Journals | I Can't Imagine

22 and 6…a story about the remarkable life of Emilia Quinn Sears and her Parents Journey watching their daughter fight for her life and try to regain their own after losing her.

Day 1: 3/15/20

I love you
You made me a Dad. That’s the best job I could ever ask for.
That was the scariest thing I’ve ever been through in my life. Emilia was so strong and so was her Mom. I’m overwhelmed with emotion, tired, scared, frustrated, positive, happy, optimistic, pretty much every emotion you can have.
That was the longest day of my life as well. It started off with Felicia cramping and not concerned. Like an idiot I told her to call a doctor and went to go on a run...wtf. Thank god Brittany was there when she started to feel bad.
We got to see her as she was rushed to the NICU
LDR 20
22 and 6…22 weeks and 6 days, I had never heard this term before today.
Our first visit in the NICU, she waved and we got an awesome photo. It’s like Emilia was telling us to chill and she’s got this.
I’m glad my parents were able to be here and sad that Genie couldn’t because of all this coronavirus stuff.
I love you

Day 2: 3/16/20

I love you
I can’t believe she choose to be born during the coronavirus outbreak...what a total Sears move.
The bells and alarms in the NICU are overwhelming. Trying to understand everything. Tons of questions.
Keep hearing “honeymoon phase” and that scares me about what is to come here in the near future.
The nurses are all so nice and helpful.
Felicia and I got to talk a lot about everything and help each other through this. We made a vow that we will remain patient and positive and only think happy thoughts. If we go negative...we promised to speak to each other to help.
We officially made it through her first day. I was there with her and it felt great. All the nurses keep saying that she’s doing amazing which is great to hear.
This is going to be my ultimate marathon (which I’ve always hated long distance running). I feel like I’ve been training for this moment since the day I left Angie’s List a few years back. I’m 100% clear and locked in on being the rock of this family for both Felicia and Emilia and everyone else.
I gave Felicia my health wristband to keep for Emilia. I’m going to only wear my Felicia (happiness) and Success wristbands.
I love you

Day 3: 3/17/20

I love you
I’ve decided to journal about this whole process and put down my thoughts every night before saying I Love you and goodnight to Emilia.
We got a call at midnight while were asleep from the NICU...we missed it...never again.
Emilia’s a fighter. I can’t wait to talk to her about all of this when she’s older and we are playing tennis together or dropping her off at college.
Maybe I’ll write her a little book she can read that includes all of our journaling. It would be cool to combine photos and her mom’s notes as well. Might make it a book to publish someday and help out other parents as well.
I’m literally crying as I write this one.
THE BONGING IN THE NICU IS REALLY HARD TO TAKE!!!!
There was like 7 women around her when I was sitting here. I think they thought it was overwhelming for me or something to have so many people around. One of them kept asking me if it was okay and explaining what was going on. I thought it was amazing to see how many people love and care for her.
I NEED TO ALWAYS REMEMBER TO SAY THANK YOU TO THESE LADIES. They are doing such an amazing job.
I let myself slip for a hot second and go a little negative in my thoughts...that won’t happen ever again.
I’m going to spend so much time here with her...I can’t wait to be here with her as much as possible.
The Motto- SHE’S HERE, SHE’S GREAT, SHE’S ADORABLE, and SHE’S LOVED! That’s what I’m saying to myself anytime my mind goes negative.
We made the decision today to announce to the world the birth of our beautiful little Emilia (which I’m going to always call you Quinn btw...that’s a fun story for when you’re older). That announcement was not taken lightly given the circumstances, but we wanted to have all the people that love us shower down their thoughts and prayers to you because you deserve them. The more people out there that love you and are thinking of you...the more support you have to keep fighting. I made this decision while sitting watching you in your NICU crib and thought...you’re too beautiful and I need to tell everyone about you. You probably won’t understand this by the time you are old enough, but there is this thing called Facebook and Social Media in our day. They are ways to connect to the world of people we love through technology. We didn’t just announce you to your aunt, grandparents, great grandparents...we told the world and they have all showered down their prayers on you through us. I hope you feel it. For our generation, it’s become a rite of passage for us to be able to announce these milestones on these channels. However, you being miss unique, refused to let your mom and I have a “normal” time with your pregnancy from day 1. Someday I’m going to love that unique story because you aren’t like everyone else. You’re our little baby and we know how unique you are and will become. However, this was our 1 moment to be a little normal and I’m glad we did it. We have to share your story and journey with the world because you deserve it.
That was a long thought.
Your mom and I got to go home yesterday for the first time. It was great to finally be able to have your mom see your grandma and help each other.
This won’t make any sense to you, but nobody can visit you other than myself and your mom right now because of this weird coronavirus thing. That really sucks. I wish your grandparents, aunt, cousins, great aunts and uncles, etc. could come in to see you. I’ll explain later how you were born in one of the weirdest times our world has ever seen. Google it someday (if that is still a thing).
Quick note - You’ll learn this over time but your dad is weird and superstitious as hell. I gave your mom my health wristband that I always wear so she can watch over your health. I’m going to wear my Felicia wristband and Success wristband to watch over your mom and all of this so we know this whole thing will be a success and we can get you home.
We Are calling in the grandmas to bring you a bunch of stuffed animal lions and Shelties to watch over you near your bed. Btw...your code word is LION to get in because you’re so strong and the queen of the pride lands. Again...your dad is weird and superstitious
I feel like God has been training my whole life for this moment to use my super powers of optimism and positivity to shelter over you and your mom and everyone else as we go through this. I swear to God, I won’t let him or you down. That’s why I’m journaling all of this to make sure we watch how far we’ve come and never forgot.
I love you.

Day 4: 3/18/2020

I love you
We brought your lion and sheltie stuffed animals to watch over you. They will help you through today.
You have a BIG day ahead of you. You’re experiencing a little bit of concern around blood sugars overnight and early today. The docs adjusted to everything and each passing few hours it slowly went down.
We had a doctor come in and tell us all about what you are experiencing. YOU ARE SO STRONG!!!!! I can’t believe how strong you are. I’ve never seen anyone stronger in my life.
They told us 20-30% good outcomes for baby’s your age...screw that...they don’t know Emilia Quinn Sears yet. God gave you 100% chances of survival
Your mom made breast milk today to give you...I was so proud of her. I could tell that made her feel a lot better.
I had a talk with your older self while you were home from break in college. I brought you too this room in the IU Methodist NICU where we waited and I told you how amazing you are and what you went through. I’ll always say you’re amazing and a miracle every day going forward...because you are. That was a fun talk, and I can’t wait to have it for real someday in the future. Trust me...this is happening like it or not.
We are keeping a really close eye on your blood sugars, but they are coming down. Keep it up...you’re doing so great. You’re doing so well right with everything else. No infections, gut issues, head bleeding, or major respiratory issues. The doctors have said those are all looking amazing for what is to be expected. You’re so impressive.
You crushed it all day with bringing back down your blood sugar levels. You are so strong.
The doctors made the call to move you from the chaos of IU Methodist NICU to the quiet and serene pros over at Riley Hospital for Children.
YOU GOT TO TAKE YOUR FIRST CAR RIDE!!! The nurses said you did so well and really enjoyed it. I have a feeling that is where I’ll get to you to relax at in the future.
Selfish Dad moment. After the move to Riley, it took me awhile to get adjusted to our new settings at Riley and I was pretty frustrated and a little grouchy with everyone. It felt like we were in a war zone before at IU Methodist, but we had gotten used to it and you were doing well. You’ll learn this about your Dad in the future, but don’t do well with change and new things at the beginning. I come around quick, but I don’t love disruption into my daily life unless absolutely necessary. You’ll have to work with me on that one in the future. Methodist felt more like much more of an intimate environment. That is where you were born and they had saved you. The nurses were all so nice and did such a great job. I just felt bad leaving. Riley on the other hand is so professional and clinical. You can tell that they are pros. We have more space and you have better care which is all that really matters. For some reason though, it just felt weird to start so I got a little grumpy and tired (which I also do). Either way, Riley feels like a much better place for everyone to run this marathon in the long run.
I slipped a little yesterday in my optimism. I let the emotions get the best of me and started to complain about your Mom’s family living in our house and moving all of our stuff around when we aren’t there. I need to remind myself that everything is happening for a reason and that everyone cares and just wants to help. That isn’t a bad thing at all.
We found out we get a camera for you at all times in your NICU room...what a relief.
Your mother had a moment last night where she let herself slip as well and broke down. I was able to help her...which selfishly was nice to know that I could do something for her. I’ve told her that I have her and the overall success of getting you home…she just needs to worry about you. We’re working through all of this and getting better day by day.
Finally got some potato chips...I was in withdraw (lol).
Going to bed. I love you

Day 5: 3/19/20

I love you
YOU DID SO GREAT LAST NIGHT. You are so strong and incredible. Glucose is down and everything is in range. Keep getting stronger
Riley is amazing...your nurses are so nice. I’ve turned a corner with everyone here and I’m back to not being a grumpy jerk.
I posted your camera feed so everyone could see you. They are loving you from a distance.
Your grandma is stressed...I need to help her by helping myself. She’s loving so many people right now and overwhelmed herself. Your Aunt and cousins are in town from Germany as they fled back to the US because of coronavirus. They are all living at Grandma and Grandpa’s. Your Grandma also works in a hospital that is getting overwhelmed with new cases of coronavirus and that is stressing her as well.
I called Brittany (your Mom’s best friend) today to thank her for everything the day you were born. She made a huge impact with everything and I’m sure you’ll meet her soon.
Relax was the scripture message of the day...we are all in God’s hands. Great message, but I can’t let my mind “relax” while thinking about the future like it suggested. I can relax about the present and that is it for now.
I found a way to actually get a run in today and find a few minutes for my myself. That meant a lot. I’m starting to trust your caregivers more and more. They are so nice.
Your mom got to spend a lot of time with you today and relax a little with her mom. She’s also making more milk for you which is making her feel a lot better. She’s here to help you. She started buying you clothes already...it’s starting. It’s great to see her coming around and getting back to her normal self. You are going to love her as your mom. I will try to not let her helicopter you too much...I swear.
Your Riley doctors and nurses are amazing. I can’t wait for you to meet them someday. They told me that your graduation day and following your progress are their favorite parts of their jobs. I can’t wait to have them see the amazing woman you become. They are saints for all they do.
You’re a little all over the place today, but nothing too bad. It’s a constant struggle to keep you in perfect vitals. That is the big challenge we keep hearing overall and we need to expect that more and more over the next few months.
During my run today, I started to think about all the parallels to a marathon and your journey. Sometimes a run feels easy and you’re cruising along and then you turn a corner to a new street and you are staring at this hill to climb and can appear overwhelming. Just like with you; I have to keep telling myself just take the next step (never get too high or low), stay present, and just take the next step. You’re doing an amazing job at staying focused on your next steps right now. Just stay focused and we will as well. We’re Sears’ and we can do anything we set our mind too. Nobody is ever going to tell us what we can and can’t achieve.
I’m not as annoyed at your grandma living in our house. I’ve actually come to love that they are here for your mom. I need to keep reminding myself of that.
These bible scriptures have been super helpful. Who would’ve ever thought...me reading the Bible??? I’ve always believed in God, but never found a lot of help in formal religion. For the first time in my adult life, faith and Religion is actually helping me. I promise to make this a part of your life (along with teaching you other methods I use as well). Personal growth and self-awareness are also critical along with religion. I can’t wait to watch you discover your own path and help guide that way.
I love you.

DAY 6: 3/20/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Message - don’t go to a dark place.
I officially (successfully so far) smuggled your sheltie AND a Lion into your room to help watch over you and protect you. You have your protector in the sheltie, and your strength / courage from the Lion.
The nurses said you had a great night last night. When I got here your little tongue was out and so cute.
YOU’RE A SPRING BABY....it is actually 67 degrees outside today and humid. Perfect Indiana spring day. Spring brings sunshine and new life…that’s you. We’re going to have to watch out for you during spring break week when you are older because you’ll be celebrating a birthday and vacation at the same time. Your mom and I got married in the spring as well. SPRING APPARENTLY MEANS A LOT TO ME EACH YEAR!!!! It’s my favorite season. I used to think it was fall, but you officially tipped the scales toward spring.
SOOO...I talked to my psychic today and she told me the real reason you came to us early is because you have such a STRONG SPIRIT. Apparently, you knew you could handle what was to come, but you were worried that your mom couldn’t because your pregnancy had been so challenging. That makes so much sense to me now. You truly are the strongest little thing I’ve ever seen. It’s really incredible. Your also so selfless to do that for your mom. You took on all the struggles of this first pregnancy and said ENOUGH… I got this from here. It makes sense why you are always kicking and flailing so much. You probably just want out and to go run a marathon or something. You’ll get there, but you have to get strong and big first. I’m so scared at what this future is going to look like with you being such a strong spirit. I sense a lot of battles coming and I CAN’T WAIT. Luckily...you’re just like your dad. We’ll see what happens when 2 lions collide. :). Just remember, I’m always still the big LION and you’re my little baby forever. I’ll let you roam the pride on your own in time. I promise.
Btw...yes, I have a psychic and no it’s not weird. We all need help and guidance sometimes. Good news is that she helped me to see what this was all about, and I’m officially RESOLUTE that you’re coming home happy and healthy. It’s no longer just a thought in my mind to stay positive and optimistic...I know. Just like I knew we would get pregnant when we did, that you were a girl, and that your name would be Quinn. I know you’re coming home with us from this place happy and healthy. Now for me, this is all about patience and letting this incredible team do their jobs. They are so good at it.
You’re so adorable on your little NICVIEW monitor.
I tried to read to you earlier and apparently you thought I was too loud. Again, get used to it little lioness. Your Dad is super loud, fun, and a little crazy. I don’t blame you though. I’ll leave the reading and relaxation to your mom. We’ll just play like crazy.
Man...shit got a little crazy for a minute yesterday. This must be the roller coaster we’ve been told we’d be on by all of your Doctors and Nurses. I guess you can’t run a marathon and always be running downhill.
Your mom freaked out a little bit. I tried to help calm her, but she is struggling. It was pretty scary in all fairness. The worst part is that I wasn’t THERE next to you. I felt so guilty you both had to go through that while I was at home eating chips and queso. These stupid virus rules keep us a part from each other so we all can’t be together. When my “shift” ended you were doing great. I went home to relax while your mom had you, and then you immediately got all crazy for some reason. They had to turn your oxygen up to 100 for the first time while one of your tiny lungs had partially collapsed. That won’t happen again...I promise that I’ll be here if something like that happens again.
Speaking of your mom, can we give her a break for a day or 2 please. Poor lady has been through so much already. Every day is more and more trauma that she is not processing well. It’s not bad…but not great either. Sadly, I don’t know that I can really do anything to help her. She needs to fight through this on her own. I can’t have her stuck-on March 15th every day of her life. I need her to be present in the moment with you and I and what we are going through.
I’m sleeping at the hospital for the first time tonight. I never could have imagined being here a week ago.
You’re such a miracle and a fighter...it’s unreal.
I set a daily alarm to go off at 5:16 PM to remind me of your birthday time and each new day with you. I’m playing the song “Alive” by Sia on the alarm. It’s such a perfect song for you. Strong and emotional. Check it out someday if you want to cry. I’m sure I’ll have played it for you a million times by then anyway though.
I love you

Day 7: 3/21/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Message - giving, not getting is the way. War on selfishness. My Thoughts - So true. This is a family of givers. We owe it to the world to leverage our gifts and abilities to the fullest to make the world a better place. You’re going to be the rock star of this family someday.
Quick Note, these daily scriptures have been really helpful to read. I think we need to go back to church more regularly when we bust you out of here. I mean...You are a little miracle baby and we owe a lot to God for you. No more doubt in my head, not that there really was, that God exists after I’ve met you and seen what you’re going through these past few days and how you’re overcoming all the odds.
Wow…this is hard and exhausting. I’ve never worked this hard doing nothing in my life. It is a brutal, but I’m happy and honored to do it. Your mom and I need to find a balance for ourselves while we are here for you. We can’t be here for you if we aren’t taking care of ourselves as well.
Quiet day so far, but we all know that can change in an instant with you being Miss feisty. It’s ironic that the same thing that brings us all joy of watching you flail around all the time is the thing you really need to stop to get better. Just sleep and heal please.
I can’t wait for you to open your eyes. Your little face is adorable. You clearly have your mother’s nose.
I’m listening to a book in your room. It’s so weird because it is quiet and we’re alone. It’s such a serene environment sometimes and bizarre that we’re all here. Kind of relaxing, but at the same time I know that I can’t relax at all with you because I’ve learned that lesson already.
Your alarm went off at 5:16...made me smile. Another day of Quinny Bear.
I’m learning so much about your care and it is kind of fascinating. You definitely don’t want to get into this because I’m going to think I’m a doctor by the end of this. I can’t help myself though...it’s pretty fascinating stuff.
They took your little beanie off to weigh you tonight and you had so much hair!!!! I couldn’t believe it. Freaking adorable. That made the whole day worth it.
I’m so afraid that tonight will be another crazy night. Please keep it chill. You’re doing so well again. Give your mamma a break please :) when she gets here for her time with you.
Monday is the big Ultrasound day. I’m feeling great about it, but I can’t get ahead of myself.
You’re going to love meeting your nurses someday. I can’t wait to introduce you when you are older. Marissa and Lori have been the best so far. Everyone is awesome, but those 2 have really taken a lot of time to help us all.
Dr. Patel and Dr. Osa have been super knowledgeable and helpful as well. They are all like a dream team. We need to find the Doctors and Nurses that delivered you to thank them. Allie was who was with us in the LDR 20.
Your mom and I had this overwhelming connection to each other last night. I’ve never felt that close to her before ever and it is really all because of you. We’ve always been an amazing team but you’ve really kicked us into overdrive. I know more and more every day that she and you are meant to be in my life forever and God has put you here for a reason. You 2 are both amazing.
I love you

Day 8: 3/22/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Message - Love is the answer. My Thoughts: So true. Love unconditionally, give unconditionally, and you’ll eventually get it back 20-fold. You’ve already given me so much love and joy back that you’ll never know. I’ve never been this unconditionally happy in my life. I’m usually always really happy, but it is tasks and activities that keep me moving and motivated. Sitting in this NICU and doing nothing with you all day and staying patient would normally be torture to me. Oddly enough, I’m the exact opposite right now. I look forward to doing nothing and just sitting around and loving you every day. Seeing you every day, and checking in on the monitors when I’m not there just literally makes everything else go away. You truly make me want to be a better person and share this love and feeling with everyone else.
You’ve had about 24 hours of no events and have been pretty stable. You’re snug as a bug in your swaddle. It seems like wrapping you up and strapping your flailing arms and legs in lets you relax and has been really helpful. It was entertaining to watch you kick and flail but that wasn’t helping you.
They are all making fun of you during rounds because you are so “wiggly”. I’m secretly listening in to them. I feel like I’m about a day or 2 away from just asking to join the team overall and be a part of your daily rounds. We’ll see. Your care is fascinating. The technology and team are unreal.
Can you poop already!!! I’ll probably regret saying this in the future, but for right now just LET IT GO!!! :)
Holy Shit, you’re going to be a WEEK OLD in a few hours. What a miracle. It’s unreal. This week feels simultaneously like a it’s been a whole year and only a few hours at the same time.
24 Weeks!!!
Tomorrow morning is the big day for the ultrasound scan for any potential brain bleeds. Let’s be on your best behavior young lady. Go crush your first test. I’ll know your mother will love to know that we have another little straight A student in the family (that is definitely from your mother).
I just remembered, your mom went to the hospital in a Harvard hoodie. I’m sitting here in Harvard shorts. You’re crushing your exams every day effortlessly. I think you may be destined for Harvard Medical or Business School someday :). I’d be devastated if you weren’t a Boilermaker like your Mom and Dad. However, given the signs and how special you are...Harvard may be the place for you.
They called you a little flirt because you kept having to get Devin, the respirator therapist, to come over all day today. Lol
YOU’RE A WEEK OLD! My Sia alarm went off on my way back to the hospital. I listened to it all. I’M STILL BREATHING...I’m ALIVE!!! Way to go baby girl. It feels like the past week went by in like 4 hours. Nurse Lori told me that in 4 months when you’re out of here I’m going to look back and feel like it was 2 weeks. It is going to go by so fast. She’s been such a great help for me in giving me guidance and advice on what is about what is to come for all of us. I’ve really enjoyed our conversations. Someday you need to meet her.
All the nurses are obsessing over how cute you are. They are literally fighting over who gets to take care of you!!!
You continue to be up and down all day. For 4 hours you’re great. 2 hours you’re not. The Doctors are worried about x, we did y, which caused z, etc. It’s like a never-ending game of a dog chasing its tail. Only difference is they will catch up to you and you will all figure it out. That’s the beauty of the human body I guess.
I’m so excited for your tests tomorrow. You have a big day with the ultrasound and they are deciding on your pic line. It feels like a cliff hanger of a TV show where I can’t wait to get back in there to figure out what they decided to do. You’re must see TV for me.
They took the beanie off again to do your care. You’re so freaking cute. I usually think babies aren’t very cute at all. I’ve always felt weird about that because I thought I was being a jerk. Everyone always fawns all over babies and I would almost run away. You are legit cute as hell. It’s hard to not fall in love. I’m pretty sure I’d say the same thing even if I wasn’t your dad...who knows though. I’ll let your Dads’ friends give him a reality check when they get to see you. :)
I actually got to do a real workout today...yeah me. Felt great to finally sweat a lot and get some stress out.
PS - the world around you is falling apart. It’s insanity. The economy is collapsing, people are losing their jobs, most people are quarantined at home, etc. It’s a nut house around the world due to this Coronavirus pandemic. I can’t wait for that crap to be over so we can all get back to focusing on just you.
I’m exhausted and going to bed.
Love you

Day 9: 3/23/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme- Show God’s love to people. My Thoughts - Don’t just talk about it...be about it. The way I’m being about it is to support your care team, your mom, grandparents, family and our friends. Trying to keep everyone calm and informed. Saying thank you to all that help you. Not getting too high or to low for you. That is how I’m showing God’s love. Once we are all through this, I plan to show that a little more demonstratively and pay it forward. I’d love to share your story with the world and other preemie parents. This stuff is stressful, and I’d love to be there as a support in some way for anyone else that may be experiencing what we are going through. I also want to be more involved in church for what it is worth.
ONE WEEK OLD!!! You’re already close to the old age of 8 days. Unreal and amazing.
I think you hate your crying neighbor in the next room. Every time they start screaming it looks like it stresses you out as your heart rate goes up a little it seems. Maybe it is just me...lol.
You officially have graduated to only one nurse for 2 babies...congratulations. They only give one dedicated nurse to the most special babies like yourself when you were first born. It’s a big deal that they feel like you can be one of the normal babies in here that needs less support. That means that you are getting stronger and stronger.
Funny thing about our nurse having 2 babies is we have your friend’s stats now on your monitors. I feel like I have watch over you both now.
You just got another new neighbor across the hall today as well. It sounds like a complicated case. They closed our door (which they never do) because of privacy concerns as they read out the info on the baby. I’m so praying for that new little baby right now. I know everything your mom and I went through just a few days ago and all of this is incredibly intense. You 2 are both going to graduate out of here together soon and we’ll make sure you stay connected and get to meet someday.
Watching them orchestrate this new move into the next room is unreal. It’s a delicate and complicated dance. This must have been what you experienced as well. I can’t imagine all you’ve gone through. Again, this team of medical professionals are unreal in how talented they all are.
You got your first tummy time. You were NOT HAPPY when they flipped you, but it seemed to help you breathe easier.
Whenever it is quiet and calm in the room and I get a chance to look into your little incubator, I can’t help but feel so proud that you’re here and we created you. I guess this is the Dad life. It feels pretty good.
Probably the only time I’ll ever say this…TAKE A SHIT PLEASE!!!! You’re making things hard on yourself. Let it go. It’s really important. I’m really praying for this one right now. Keep fighting.
I’m so glad I set this alarm at your birth time. It’s amazing to hear that song every day as it reminds me you’re here, you’re amazing, a FIGHTER, and I’m your dad.
Break time is over, it’s time for this fight to pick up now. We’re going to kick some ass the next few days. Fight my little girl. You need to get past this next tummy/gut hurdle.
I’m sleeping right next to you and not leaving you.
Crush this next X-Ray tonight and get this poop out of you.
Praying for no infections either or if you do that it the antibiotics kick it really fast and nothing serious comes from this.
I love you and I’ll see you in the morning.

Day 10: 3/24/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme - whatever you can do is worth doing.
YOU FREAKING POOPED!!!! Like...literally it was at the last minute at 3am of nurses talking about possible surgery and then you just shit all over them. You’re so strong and apparently a jokester as well.
It’s your parents wedding anniversary day! We’ll have a lot to celebrate each spring (your birthday, anniversary, spring break, etc.).
Well Quinny Bear, you’ve passed your first REALLY BIG HURDLE. I need you to stay strong all day today. It’s so important.
I’m glad I was here last night and not your mom. That one was a pretty scary one. Literally, as the nurse practitioner and surgeons were coming up to discuss options to deal with your tummy...you went ahead and just pooped. It was amazing, and almost a slap in the face to us all letting us know you got this.
Every nurse that comes in that room always talks about how feisty you are. I love it and wouldn’t have you any other way. You have to be a fighter to overcome this challenge and you are.
I’m having all the feels today. Last night was REALLY INTENSE. This morning / afternoon I was doing that bad thing again where you look to the future and start thinking I have no idea how I’m going to endure this for 4 months. Then I get kicked out of the waiting room because of coronavirus and we are officially only allowed to have 1 visitor now (in the hospital) as that gets worse. Now I’m at home and trying to sleep a little to get back to the hospital and the dog is barking and your grandma decided to stink up our entire house by clean the oven randomly. Then I get stuck at a train crossing on the way back to the hospital. It just all got to me. When you’re negative, negative stuff happens to you. It’s all about how you respond to the stimuli and your environment. In truth, I’m mad about people protecting and caring for you (getting kicked out of the waiting room for coronavirus), your grandma cleaning our house, and a loving dog barking. That’s stupid. All those are great things. I started to tell this to your mom and she talked me out of the negative mindset. For some reason I still couldn’t shake it. And then out of nowhere, I got 4 random acts of love from people telling me how they watch you every night and pray for us all. Then your mom gave me a beautiful card she wrote about how great I am as a Dad for our anniversary. I just had to look up to and realize that God is trying to help me right now and accept it. I HAVE TO STAY STRONG, positive, and optimistic for you. THAT’S MY JOB!!!! Thank you to everyone and God for reminding me today as I was starting to get a little frustrated.
I really think I want to write your story someday and publish it for NICU parents to have at hospitals. There just isn’t much to do in here and I know it would help me to be reading another parent’s real time thoughts as they were going through one of the most challenging things a parent can go through. I’m going to do this someday once your story is complete and we are out of here.
YOU CALM ME DOWN SO MUCH!!!! As soon as I walk into this room it seems like I find my peaceful happy place. I honestly don’t ever want to leave, but I have to because of the stupid virus rules and I can’t be selfish to your mom and take up all of your time with just me.
You continue to amaze me every day with your strength and resilience.
Every damn day this song at 5:16 PM just makes me so happy. I’m going to do that forever. You’ll be so embarrassed eventually, but I’m not going to stop. That song reminds me of this journey, you and how strong you are, how much I love you, and your mom.
I love you

Day 11: 3/25/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme - add flavor everywhere you go. My Thoughts: You certainly do that...so expressive and feisty. Everyone loves watching you, and the nurses all think you’re adorable. I added a little flavor today with my attitude and shoes (choose a fun and colorful pair to show off to you :). You’ll love to see my “flare shoes”, as your Mom calls them, when you get older. I like to Peacock a little bit everyone once in a while. I have a lot of them, but it’s rare I bust them out because I don’t want to get them dirty…I will do it for you though. I’m sure you will be super embarrassed to be seen with me around your friends in the future.
You’re healing nicely from your belly scare a few nights ago. They are checking to see the damage right now and I’m praying it didn’t tear anything in your intestines…as that would require surgery (which we don’t want).
Okay baby girl...intestinal wall tear it is but they caught it early. You got to fight hard the next few days and don’t let this thing spread. We love you. YOU ARE SO STRONG. NEC ain’t got nothing on you girl.
Every day that birthtime reminder alarm goes off it makes me so happy. Best thing I’ve ever thought of in my life.
No matter how much you go through...I just KNOW you’re coming home and going to overcome this. You are literally your mother’s daughter. I know you’ll never quit. I don’t know what it is, but I just know. I may just be the HYPE MAN of this family, but I’m watching 2 incredibly strong woman do their things and I couldn’t be happier.
I love you

Day 12: 3/26/20

I love you
Daily Scripture theme - I was always on my mind. My Thoughts - Switching from being a Taker to Giver. I’ve probably been pretty selfish most of my life. Not that I didn’t ever care or give to someone else. I just always came first and was the priority. The moment you were born that 1000% changed and I’ll never look back. You will always be my priority going forward. I still need to take care of myself, but only so I can provide and care for you. We have to trust in God that you’ll be okay...AND I DO.
The doctors literally let me be part of your rounds today. I think they are seeing how smart your mom and I are and figured it best just to include us as we’d pepper them with questions anyway afterward...just our nature. I’m sure you’ll have some of those traits as well.
The doctor said he’ll make a neonatologist out of me by the end of this...lol. I think he can tell that I show my care for you and your care team by being so involved, asking a lot of questions, and learning. Truthfully, I do this so I can calm myself and focus on something so I can help keep your mom calm. If your Mom and I are calm, we can all keep you calm.
Milk is your best friend and worst enemy right now.
You started to try and open your eyes today. I got it all on video...how amazing to watch my daughter get to see the world for the first time. I wonder what you were thinking and seeing. I’m glad I was one of your first sites. I think you are starting to recognize my voice. You seem to want to look at me whenever I’m talking near you...show off. Such a little daddy’s girl.
Your Mommy is struggling right now. She can’t seem to break free from March 15th and enjoy each moment with you right now. I need us to be a team to combine our super powers for you. While I’m pretty cool...she’s the real brains of this operation. Trust me, we both need her a lot. I’m going to get to work on solving this one. That’s my priority for sure.
I love you

Day 13: 3/27/20

I love you
Daily scripture theme - the journey toward unselfishness.
You and your Mommy got kangaroo time today. It was adorable. I can’t wait to do that with you as well. Truthfully…I’m terrified.
The nurses are all in love with you and literally fight over who gets to take care of you.
Your mommy is struggling and I don’t know how to help her. She’s scared for you and rightfully so, but that is taking her down a negative road. Anytime I try to help it makes matters worse.
Not a ton of notes today because I feel like we’ve finally hit a stable patch in your care and it was kind of “normal” ish today.
You’re going to be 2 weeks old in a few days.
I love you

Day 14: 3/28/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme - God is love. My Thoughts – “no privilege without responsibility. We must be patient. The things we are most grateful for are the things we’ve waiting the longest for.” This is going to be my ultimate test in patience. Not just the NICU, but the rest of your life. You are the thing I’m most grateful for every day.
There is a baby in the room next to you that squeals like a little piggy when it cries. It makes me wonder what your little cries are going to sound like. I’m praying it isn’t going to be like that young man btw :). I imagine yours will be like little rainbow sighs. You certainly will be trained well to deal with crazy stimulation and stay calm with all that you’ve already endured in the NICU and will endure in the future.
Random thought - I wonder how doctor’s think about your outlook? Is it all statistics and treatment or is it hope, love, prayer, and optimism combined with Science and Stats. Do they BELIEVE in you like we do and with their other patients? I know your mom and I do, but I wonder how Doctors and Nurses process all this as well. It’s not easy for your mom and I, but at least we can channel all of our love and optimism into you and ONLY you. That is exhausting already. To do that for all of their patients must be overwhelming. I wonder how they cope overall? How they process their thoughts? I may try to dive into that one with a few of them in the future.
I’m going to read you the daily scripture and share with you my thoughts. Don’t freak out on me please. It seems like my voice excites you...or scares you???
You and your mom live streamed your kangaroo time tonight. I could see how happy you made her...and nervous. It was pretty amazing to watch.
I’m getting concerned things are going too well the past few days. We’ve been told to expect roller coaster after roller coaster on this marathon. I don’t want to relax, but I don’t know what to do either. Pretty confusing. Only thing I KNOW is that you’re coming home safe and sound no matter what.
I love you

Day 15: 3/29/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme: Be a blessing everywhere you go. My Thoughts - this is such an important concept and important change for me personally right now. In keeping with the 7 habits book I recently read, I’ve gotten really good at the personal habits of 1-3, and 7 over the years which is why I’ve always had decent success in life so far. The INTERPERSONAL habits, 4-6, are still a huge struggle for me. A key theme to getting better at these is to remember to be a blessing everywhere I go. Through my next 5 years of my 30’s, I want to make this a priority as a Father, a Leader of my own business, and a Husband to excel in these areas. It’s not just MY agenda...but ALL of our agenda’s. I’ve struggled with this fact for a LONG time and probably distanced myself from a lot of amazing potential relationships because of it through the years. I’ve made a point to say thank you and MEAN it for all your care team every day since we’ve been here. I’ve always been polite my whole life, but even I knew it was often disingenuous and just checking a box of a societal norm. I’m making a point to actually have that gratitude mean something and not just be a polite gesture anymore. Your mom and I will work on some gifts for everyone before we leave here.
HOLY SHIT...it’s day 15 and you are about to hit 25 weeks old. It feels like we’ve been in here only 1 day and 2 years at the same time. I’m so proud of you. Every day you’re a miracle.
No offense, but I really don’t want to come to the hospital today. I’ve never spent more time in one place other than work or my home in my life. I could use a day off, but I’d hate not seeing you. So I’ll go, like every day to come, because I love you and seeing you makes it all worthwhile.
And I’m here and it’s totally worth it. You’re so adorable. I just want to fast forward and get you home. I know I have to stay patient, but I can’t help imagining the future.
I’ve started the process to build your nursery. I’m having fun planning this one out with your mom. We will definitely will have a Lion theme of some kind. I’m going to try and ask your Nurses if I can somehow steal that Lioness photo from your NICU room...we’ll see. I’ll just have to take it if they don’t let me buy it…lol.
Hahaha - I asked the Nurse tonight if we can take the Lion Photo and she said she wouldn’t say anything, but will ask to make sure. She said it is a real photo from the head of Neonatology here at Riley. He apparently travels a lot and took a bunch of photos on Safari’s. She will see if at worst case we can get the print.
Dr. Osa said that you are doing well. The biggest areas we need to overcome the next few weeks is getting you off the ventilator and resuming milk feedings. He’s checking in on all the antibiotics you are on and see if he can help ween you off to focus on your gut. He’s a good dude and I’m glad he’s overseeing you.
I love you

Day 16: 3/30/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme - Seek to do good. My Thoughts - the key that they mentioned was SEEK!!! Go figure it out. Don’t sit around waiting for life to happen. It’s in front of us every day. You can find ways to make an impact.
EVERY DAY WITH YOU IS A MIRACLE...it’s so true. I can’t believe it’s been 15 days and you are officially 25 WEEKS!!! I don’t know why, but I feel like 25 weeks is a huge deal overall in my head. I can’t really figure it out. Maybe because all the extreme preemie success stories I’ve heard from friends and family at this point was around 25 -26 weeks when they were born. Either way...I know you’re coming home. For some reason, 25 just feels really good.
For how strong I can be sometimes mentally, this coronavirus thing is really starting to get to me. The news coverage when I go home at night from the hospital is overwhelming with death and dark stories. Only 2,500 people have died, but it feels like a million the way it is being portrayed and discussed. I went to bed last night with the news on the TV, and I think by osmosis I kept hearing all the dark and negative stories and it freaked me out and I woke up in a panic at 3 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. It’s ironic, the most stressful thing I’ve ever been through in my life has been your NICU situation and I’ve only really been scared twice since you got here for about a total of 8 hours. One was when you were born and those tense minutes afterward between when we got to see you again and didn’t know if you were able to be revived. The second was your belly issues the other night that led to your surgery. Even those 2 overwhelming events I was able to process well and keep the family positive and optimistic. For some reason, this whole coronavirus thing feels even worse with all the coverage and world shutting down around us. I have to get my mind out the gutter. Death and Destruction are not the state of mind I need to be in right now. I think I’m going to ban myself from the news going forward for the next month.
One more coronavirus note, the only REAL concern I have is Riley shutting down access to the NICU. It’s really not too far-fetched to believe at this point. I don’t know what we’d do if we couldn’t at least see you. Let’s cross that bridge when /if we get there...control what we can control.
On a weird note, the past few 4 days have been in cruise control with you. You’re doing so good. Oddly enough, this has been some of the hardest few days for me because I don’t know what to do. I’m good with crisis, tasks, and constant action to process. What I’m not good at is patience and relaxing. This is why I’ve mentioned so many times before that I’m awful at marathons and distant running. Sprinting is fun for me. Just go really hard and fast and do it over and over again until you can’t anymore. You don’t really think…you just do. Then do it over and over again until you achieve your goals. Running the same pace forever is so challenging for me for some reason. I always want to push too hard. My mind races and I get frustrated going the same speed. This is my lifelong struggle. This is why your mom is amazing. She’s the marathon runner in the family. I’m the supporter on the sidelines drinking an Aperol Spritz and watching / cheering in awe. This is also why we make an amazing pair. I cover the fast-paced crisis, and she covers the patience and steady pace. I can tell she’s so much better the last few days and is coming around. However, she’s one new crazy event from a full-blown panic. I’m one more day of nothing to do and mind racing. Kind of funny if you think about it. I wonder how you’ll be when you are older. My dream would be that you get the best of both of us, and then you’ll be able to RULE THE WORLD!!! A sprinting marathon runner (is that even possible?)
Gosh - you’re been really touchy the past few days. Every time your nurses touch you, all of your sats go nuts. I hope this isn’t a sign of the times to come when you’re older ...lol
I actually played the Sia song for you at 5:16 for the first time tonight. I’ve been a little embarrassed to share that with the nurses around up until now. It felt good. We need to play you more music anyway. I’ll see how I can incorporate that in going forward.
Love you

Day 17: 3/31/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme: Remember the Source of all Truth. My Thoughts: God is the source of truth. We need to believe in him and trust in him. We can only control what we can control in our sphere of influence.
Every day with you is a miracle. It’s something that your social worker, Rachel, reminded your mom and I of yesterday during a conversation. She’s been through all of this with her own daughter, and it is really nice and reassuring to hear her story as it gives us some nuggets to help our journey. That’s why I’m writing this story...for you, for us, and others to come. If there is anything I can do to help another family going through this situation in the future I will. That is the point of seeking to do good and doing god’s will. We owe it to the world to share our story with others. You’re too special to not share with any and every one who wants to listen. That was a decision I made the second day we were here, and I’m so glad we started writing and documenting this journey in retrospect. Sharing your story and our story helps EVERYONE!!!
Your dad needs to make sure he’s taking care of himself physically. I think I’ve let myself get a little run down, tired, and sick. This is a marathon and we have to stay healthy for you. It’s okay for us to sleep in a little, take an extended break at home, focus on exercise or work. We can’t be here for you if we aren’t there for ourselves.
Because your mom and I can’t be in the room with you at the same time, I keep missing your marathon kangaroo sessions. I REALLY want to be there for them, and it is so sad to miss out. I know it is helping you a ton and I’m so glad you both are enjoying it. I’m terrified to try it myself for about 1000 reasons. I don’t want to get you sick and my hands sweat all the time. I’ll work up the nerve here soon…I swear
I love you

Day 18: 4/1/20

I love you...you’re a miracle every day.
Daily Scripture Theme: worry or trust? It’s your choice. My thoughts - I love their quote that “worrying is a waste of time and energy as it will never change your circumstances.” Yes - you’re in the NICU and a million things can happen to you daily. I could sit around and let every alarm, ding and dong, blood gas result, glucose readings, etc. get to me. I could worry about the next day, week, month, year, 10 years and let my mind go crazy. Or…I can just enjoy that You’re Here, You’re Great, You’re Adorable, and You’re Loved. That was the motto I told your mom 15 days ago and it has helped us both through a lot of dark anxiety driven thoughts. I choose to focus my energy on controlling what I can control. That is sharing info with family, thanking your care team, being by your side every day, talking to and helping your mom, thinking about the progress you’ve made, staying positive and optimistic overall, etc. I think this message is important not just for today, but for the rest of your and my life. We can’t control circumstances and outcomes, those are in God’s hands. What I can control all the time is my response to them, and that gives me more freedom and peace of mind than you can ever imagine. I could talk about this topic for days as it fascinates me as to why people always tend to focus on the negative aspects of what COULD go wrong instead living in the present. Ironically, last night your mom and I discussed this very topic for hours after we got home from visiting you. It’s amazing how her and I can be given the same set of facts and completely interpret them differently. Everything we’ve learned and seen with you as positives to me are growth toward daily progress. Your mom sees ALL the other negative stuff. It’s not that I don’t see them, I just CHOOSE to focus on the positives, read the people around me, and control what I can control. This is one of the reasons your Mom and I have always been an incredible pairing. We balance each other out in all the good ways. My blinding optimism makes me look past key details sometimes that I shouldn’t. Your mother always balances me out there. Vice Versa - when she goes too negative and focusing on the minutia, I’m always there to bring her a dose of the bigger picture and optimism.
510 grams.... you’re gaining weight and officially almost 20% heavier than you were when you were born. You’re doing so well. The nurses were excited to report that to me this morning when I got here. You had a great night as well!!! I’m so proud of you every day. You really do have this and I can’t wait to get you home.
You have the tiniest little Mohawk. It’s adorable.
This belly issue is so frustrating...this appears to be developing into the real marathon for all of us. The gut is so temperamental and hard to understand. I’m terrified you’ll have to have surgery, but I know you’ll be fine. It’s just so hard to watch you go through all of this.
We had a nice heart to heart tonight during our staring contest. Felt nice to talk to you without 20 people around and it seems like you recognize me. Starting to feel more and more connected
I love you.

Day 19: 4/2/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme: confidence, no more pretending. My Thoughts: duh...I love this. You be you and we’ll get you the hell home. You’re so strong.
Oh, the belly...just the source of all of our problems. I just don’t understand it at all. No imminent danger, but it doesn’t seem like you’re out of the woods just yet. Just a never-ending problem it appears. I can’t wait until we are past this issues and get you off the ventilator.
Your mom and I had a rough night last night. I still can’t figure out how to soothe her when she is upset. Her stress is starting to stress me out. I just want to help her and she doesn’t seem to want help. She’s stuck in a bad place where any little set back feels like Armageddon. Last night, your nurse Reyna let us know that your belly might have a tiny amount of inflammation again. I talked to doctor Osa for 30 minutes about it to try and understand. Bottom Line, it is concerning but no imminent danger (unlike the first time). I debated whether or not to tell your mom who was at home. You 2 had had a lovely day of kangarooing, and you’d been so good for 5 days. I decided I should share the conversation and news with her and did. I immediately regretted it as it sent your Mom into a tailspin. I learned my lesson...I can process this stuff and she can’t sometimes. Sometimes it isn’t the worst thing to keep something from her that I know will put her in a bad place. I need to focus on keeping her spirits up and if that means leaving out some deets that aren’t mission critical...then so be it.
I’m really starting to want to try this Kangaroo thing with you. Still working up the nerve, but I’ll get there soon. Holding babies has always freaked me out. I don’t want to hurt you at all. After seeing all the poking and prodding you take every day, I’m pretty sure I can’t hurt you at all because you’re so strong.
New room who dis? We moved to a room with a window...holy shit...I’ll be able to see sunlight again.
Side note on the new move, we went from the lion room to the monkey room. Working on a plan to switch these pictures around because you’re a lion after all :).
I swear I’m starting to feel your pains at night. Let me take that on so you can stay safe. I GOT YOU.
It was a beautiful spring day today, and I got a bit of a sunburn doing yard work. I can’t wait for you to see playing in our yard someday...it’s really an amazing place for that. I’m so looking forward to that. As I was doing yardwork all day; it just felt different. I’ve always liked it, but it always felt like a chore in the past. Today felt like I had a reason to do it now for you. It was interesting processing my thoughts about yardwork after I was done. How I feel about yard work is how everything in life feels right now; I just effortlessly get stuff done because I have to so I can spend time with you.
Since it was so nice out, all the neighborhood kids and parents were out going to the park, riding bikes, jogging with strollers, etc. I saw them all and felt happy, jealous, and scared all at the same time. I can’t wait to do that with you, but for a moment I got scared that I might not be able to do that with you. Then I remembered you’re so strong and that went away. I can’t wait to go take you to the park and play tennis. That will be the day I break down in tears probably as it will mean so much to me.
I love you

Day 20: 4/3/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme - be deliberate. My Thoughts – “be deliberate about being a blessing to everyone.” I think we can have the most impact with our current situation by sharing updates with everyone that cares about you and treating your care team with the love and gratitude that they treat you. Your mom and I want to try and do something special for all of them at the end of this and probably once a month as well while you are in the NICU. These people LITERALLY are keeping you alive every day, and we should do our part to make them feel special and deliberately be a blessing while working with them to make their lives easier. That could even be as little as a conversation and entertaining them.
Looking good today...keep it up. I love slow days. A week ago, I hated slow days...now I’m starting to get more used to it. Slow day every day would be a great motto going forward.
I REALLY wanted to hold you today and chickened out again because I was afraid to get you sick. I hate these allergies and honestly can never tell if it is a cold or just allergies. I would be devastated if I did something to harm you at this point and unintentionally get you sick. I’ll get there soon. For now, your Mom is better at the touchy / feely stuff anyway.
Still more wait and see on the belly front. Hopefully we have some answers mid next week. Praying that the best case happened where you healed yourself and no additional surgery is required.
I love you

Day 21: 4/4/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme: fear isn’t going away, so do it afraid. My Thoughts- SO MUCH to say on this one. It is odd that today, of all days, I’m kangarooing with you. I’m freaking terrified...but DO IT AFRAID. Much more to come on this after we’re done as I’m writing this right before we Roo. So nervous, I feel like my hands won’t stop sweating and I have to use the bathroom at the same time. Lol
So, the Roo session, it went great. Not gonna lie...that was SUPER scary. It takes an army of people to move you out of your isolate and reset up your respirator on our Roo chair. The RT’s and Nurses were super nice and supportive getting us set up. We had only planned to do an hour and we ended up doing 2. I touched your little hands for the first time, at one point you gripped my fingertip and I could feel your little strength. It was pretty impressive. Your mom was able to watch us on the NicView, which was pretty cool. She said she’s never loved me more than watching me do this. That was pretty nice to hear. You’ll learn this later on, but I’m not the most touchy-feely kind of person. I’m usually very protective of my space. This was a pretty big step for me to do this and I’m really glad I did it. For some irrational reason, I’m so afraid that I got you sick. I’m sure I didn’t, but it is really scary to think about that as a possibility.
Roo-ing is hard btw. My arms and wrists were locked up in that chair for 2 straight hours. It was certainly worth the pain, but no where near as easy as I saw your Mom make it look. I think I’ll let your mom do the majority of the Roo-ing going forward for many reasons. I’ll try once or twice a week going forward.
Your mom and I actually watched a movie last night together. We both passed out early, but at least that was progress.
I love you

Day 22: 4/5/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme - know you are loved. My Thoughts - this is really comforting to me at this point because I’m constantly struggling with thinking if I’m not there to love and care for you...who will? God will! Your mom will! Your family will! All of our friends and co-workers will! Etc. This is really helpful for me to hear right now as I’ve been struggling with this one for a while. It isn’t all on me and your Mom. I need to remember that.
Your Mom and I are getting really tired from this daily NICU grind. It is emotionally and physically draining. I feel like we are both on the verge of a cold or getting sick at any moment. Constantly getting updates from doctors. Feel tired when we are here and feeling bad when we’re not. We’re all alone in this because no one else can visit due to this stupid pandemic. It is pretty hard. I don’t want to miss anytime with you, but I’m not sure being here all the time is helpful either. It is just a super tough situation. I’m not complaining at all as every day with you is a miracle and I have to remind myself of that. Remember, we control our responses to stimulus. That’s my job. I think this is where the marathon really starts to kick in. We are at a point where things are RELATIVELY stable, and we don’t have to live in crisis mode all the time. I find that almost harder because I have to try to still love my life and deal with our circumstances as well. It’s like we’re frozen in time for 3-4 months and each day is Groundhog Day. That is the definition of a marathon. Eventually this will pass, but it is not easy to do.
Speaking of resuming normalish life...I’m going to try and go back to work tomorrow. I’m really curious how this is going to work. Can I really stay away from you all day and be productive? How am I going to find my groove and how long will that take? I really don’t care about work at all. I’m just going back so I don’t waste time with you when we finally get you home. I’m so torn. Nothing else really matters at this point, but I have to have balance.
The more balance I seek, going back to work, working out, sleeping at home, not going back for late shift bedside, doing yardwork, etc... the ickier I feel. It’s really a bizarre feeling. I know I have to be selfish for you so I can be present when I’m with you. However, it’s really hard to tell my mind that as I’m get done with a workout, eating food, and watching Tiger King (I’ll explain this one in the future as well...don’t google it). I feel like a bad Dad at that point. When I’m in the room with you, I’m always in the know. If I’m not in the know and thinking about something else or myself…I feel really gross. Everyone has told me to stay balanced and I agree. It’s just really hard to think that way when you still literally could get worse at any minute. It’s a little paradoxical to think that way as on one hand, I know you are coming home and I should just live my life thinking that. On the other, I can’t stay away because I need to know what is happening at every moment. Every stat, weigh in, blood test result, etc. I really need to find balance. Knowing helps...but I can’t know it all.
I love you

Day 23: 4/6/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme: A Great big happy life. My Thoughts - this is all about giving more than you take. I’m writing this stuff every day with that in mind. This is going to be my gift to you and other NICU parents when this is all said and done. I hope all of our experiences can help make an impact for someone else in the future.
Big day for all of us. It’s the first day back at work for your Mom and I. AND...you are getting off antibiotics and having a tummy X-Ray to determine what the extent of the damage (if any) from NEC infection from a few weeks ago. Praying that you’ve already healed yourself and we can resume milk feedings. Margo (the psychic), told me that you would overcome the belly issues, but it may be a little longer than we thought. That kind of leans heavily over my thoughts right now; however, I also know you’re coming home so no worries in my mind.
Busy day in the NICU already...surgeries, rounds, X-Rays...I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to work in this environment. We’ll figure it out, but this is going to take some time to process.
I can’t tell you how weird it is to be typing a work email while doctors are rounding around your room and discussing care. It’s like an alternative universe. Throw in Coronavirus and this world is so weird.
Your mom and I can’t seem to get on the same page right now, and have been arguing the past few days about how much physical time we are spending individually at the NICU. We’re both here for hours every day. In my view, we can only spend so much time in a day physically being by your bedside. We both want someone here for you ideally at all times, but we have to take care of ourselves and our household as well. Bottom line, we are wasting energy arguing when we have no more to spare. I want to create a positive and optimistic environment around you. To do that, takes a lot of prayer, strength, patience, positive thoughts, etc. All of that is a lot of energy to maintain. Being negative and blaming others is so much easier. Sadly, we’ve fallen into that trap. I have to get us out of this and I will. Your mother is scared, as am I, but she is letting her fear turn into anger and then directing it at me. She wants to be here as much as she ca,n but she also can’t take being in this place for very long stretches of time. She’s anxious at the bedside and guilty when she’s at home. We need to turn negativity and fear for you into love for each other and everyone around us.
Tonight, we were speaking pretty angerly toward each other during our “shift change” in the lobby. As soon as I walked into the room, you were in your isolate asleep with this adorable little hand on your head exhausted from a Penrose surgery they just did again. I almost started crying and thought...what are we doing? You’re so adorable and strong, and we are wasting time being selfish. You’re fighting every day and we need to fight just as hard...in our own ways. Fighting each other is literally the worst thing we could ever do.
Speaking of surgery, the time has come for the scary “real” surgery where they are going to cut out the bad section of your bowels. It’s super scary, and we are in for a long few days of hurry up and wait to see how you recover. I know you’re a champ and will be okay, but I thought it was a good time to have another “chat” with your 20-year-old self again just like we did back when you were still at Methodist and having your Glucose issues. This time it was me taking you back to your room at Riley to talk about all that has been going on and reminding you how strong and amazing you are. Ironically, I know you aren’t worried or scared. You’re just tired of this hanging over you and can’t wait to show what you can really do once you have a healthy gut. For me though, I’m not so much scared as sad. I want to take away this upcoming pain from you so bad, but I know I can’t do anything other than pray and trust your care team. I look at your adorable little face and that hand resting on your head as you sleep. I see a little fighter that has just had enough for the day and wants to rest and recover. I want to give that to you so badly. We both know though you have a lot more fighting to come and I would do anything to step in there for you. This is your fight and God’s plan. I trust you both that you’ve got this. I need to let my selfish needs go and focus on just being present, encouraging your care team, keeping your mom positive, and updating all the people that love you and are praying for you. I’m really looking forward to that day I can read you this in this room, 4106, and you can see and feel how strong you are inside. I’m sure that day will be here before I can even blink.
I love you

Day 24: 4/7/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme - imperfect but perfectly loved. My Thoughts – “God loves me unconditionally and I receive his love.” That is the quote she asked us to repeat. It’s a gift...acknowledge it and receive it. Everyone needs a foundation and support. God will always be there for us all.
You’ll be proud of your dad today. I not only worked, I did my daily reading, my scripture thoughts, journaled, was there for you, got a great workout, and took the dog on a walk. It’s nice to be able to make this as “normal” as possible. I can’t wait to share all of these fun activities with you soon.
BIG DAY TOMORROW...it’s surgery time to heal your belly and get you back to the all-important milk feeding.
I love you

Day 25: 4/8/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme - Faith beats fear. My Thoughts - Do it afraid. We can’t control our circumstances, but we can control how we respond to them. I choose to acknowledge what is happening and walk fearlessly toward it. Just like you will be today, I have to have no fear and trust in God’s plan. That’s my conscious decision to control what we can control. Keep giving praise and love to your care team, support your mom, and make sure we are there for you every step of the way.
TODAY IS THE DAY...let’s kick this NEC and move on. Surgery is in an hour. I know you’re coming home…so I know you got this. You’re so incredibly strong and we love you so much. More to come on my thoughts.
Speaking of big…you look like you grew a TON the past few days. You look more adorable every day. You were so peaceful when I got here this morning. The calm before the storm. Rest up because you’ll need it.
Man...what a day of highs, stress, fear, etc. You just have to run right at it and be fearless like you are. It’s unreal what you’ve been dealing with and just keep bouncing back. It’s so hard to watch you go through this and not be able to do anything other than support and pray. It’s honestly one of the HARDEST things I’ve ever done. Just being patient, waiting, and watching...I’ve never been more exhausted from doing nothing.
Our focus on appreciating and giving love to your care team strategy is paying off. All of your previous nurses, (and your guardian nurse Great Aunt Kristie), are behind you today. They were telling me that as soon as I walked into the NICU...you are so loved.
You had your surgery on your tummy today. The waiting game was intense. At least your mom and I could wait together this time in the hospital. Dr. Rescorla did an incredible job. He stopped in after the surgery to let us know it was a success, that your healthy bowels were plentiful, and he doesn’t see any reasons for concerns to resume feedings and make for an easy fix when you are bigger and stronger to undue the ostomy. Stupid me...I was ecstatic and thought we were through the worst and wanted to run out and celebrate. I left your mom to stay and watch over you for a few hours post-surgery and you were doing well. We switched out later I think the night and all the sudden...you weren’t doing so hot. Your blood pressure was dropping, you were so bloated and retaining fluids, your oxygen was maxed out and we were at a threshold of oh shit. For about an hour, I sat in your room by myself as I watched as your little oxygen stats slowly creep down while your care team put a plan in place to get you back to normal. That was probably the scariest thing I’ve been through to date. I was all alone in your room, no family, no staff, no Felicia…and just watching what felt like an hourglass get to the point of almost running out. Like I was walking on a mountain edge and could slip and fall at any time. It was terrifying and absolutely nothing I could do at all. Then all the sudden, your doctors and nurses put your plan into place, I buried my head into some work, and 2 hours later everything was trending well again. You’re my freaking hero. I think this may be harder for me sometimes than you. This must be like what it is like for a parent of a pro athlete to watch their kids play. I bet they are more terrified in the stands than their kids are on the field. I can’t believe everything you’ve gone through. If you aren’t the president someday, that has to be my fault for not telling you what you’ve already done and capable of doing. By the time you’re 4 months old, you’ll have shown more strength and courage than I’ll have done in my entire life up to this point. I’ll never let you forget this as you get older.
I love you

Day 26: 4/9/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme - stop waiting and start trying. My Thoughts - I’m getting so close to figuring out my path in life. It’s been a work in progress for about the past 6+ years. Trying new things, incorporating new strategies, starting new challenges, etc. Spirituality has alluded me up to this point, or better said, I’ve actively chosen to not focus on it for whatever reason my whole life. I feel like since your birth everything has starting to change in me. It feels like I’m discovering my WHY in life, and it is pushing me to be above and beyond what I’ve always done. I’m getting closer to figuring out my spiritual calling day by day. Writing this journal to you is my first step.
What a night! You did great and have rebounded so well. I’m so proud of you. You scared the shit out of me for a while and took your recovery to its limits. Then, you did what you always do, and bounced back great and made everything seem so easy. I don’t know why I even remotely doubt you at this point. We love you so much.
I really love it when we have lazy days with you and can just sit around and joke with the nurses and hang in your room. I’ll probably look back on those times pretty fondly once we come out of this.
At this point in time, I think your stay can safely be summed up in this fashion, first 3 days (chaos and confusion), week 1 NEC scare, week 2 surgery, week 4 major surgery, and everything else is just you being cute and hanging with your nurses with a few de-sats in between. It’s amazing how really only 3 bad days out of 4 weeks can require so much energy. You just never really know when those bad days are coming. When they’re here, they’re terrifying and awful. When you get past them, the next few days kind of feel relaxing. I’m learning how to pace myself. I still can’t believe everything you’ve already been through at only just less than a month old.
I love you

Day 27: 4/10/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme: Avoid Comparisons. My Thoughts - I typically don’t compare myself to others. I love my unique self and my own unique journey...probably a little too much sometimes (I can be selfish). I will try my hardest to make sure you always remember how special you are and that this is your journey and yours alone. The more you blaze your own path, the more others will follow you. On a different note, I’m actively trying to not “compare” our NICU journey with anyone else’s either. I want this to be our unique journey. I’ll write it all out and process this our own way.
Daddy had a bad selfish day today. I’m a little ashamed to admit it given what you’re going through. I still did everything I had been doing the past few weeks, but for some reason I was just ANGRY. I was tired, had a ton of work to do, on a call all day basically, worked out in the cold weather, feeling sick, tired of the back and forth with your mom about how many hours we log at the hospital, etc. I’m just ashamed that I let myself behave that way. I only let this happen because I knew you were okay, but that doesn’t excuse it at all. This fight is draining of all energy...this is exactly why people said this is a marathon. I really need to speak with your mom and set some ground rules around keeping ourselves healthy and sane during this process. The last thing I want to do is to be in the room with you and literally not even thinking once about you.
Going back to work has been A LOT harder than I thought. I’ve been so busy at work (it’s good in some ways), but it has distracted me from EVERYTHING around the routine we had built the past few weeks. I was doing really good being present for you, discussing your care, helping the care team, working out, reading, learning new things, journaling, etc. All the sudden…work blew everything up. I’ve been able to still do it all, but it’s making everything miserable. I’ve got to get organized and into a routine. Coming to see you should be the highlight of my day. I’m sad to say that today it wasn’t and that makes me want to puke.
Writing all this down has been therapeutic. Dad’s are allowed bad days as well. Sorry little girl…I’ll get better tomorrow.
No one is still allowed to see you other than your Mom and I. The world is still on lockdown. What a crazy time to be alive.
I got chased off a tennis court on Wed by a cop for playing tennis...TENNIS!!! Like I’m a felon or something for hitting a tennis ball, on a tennis court, at a public park. It’s like we were punk skateboarders or something. This world is bananas.
You’re so puffed up still from your surgery...it’s like a whole new baby with how much bigger you look. Your little face and ears are like 4x what they were before your surgery. You weighed in at 660 grams last night which was like 25% growth day over day. I wanted to celebrate the weight gain but just couldn’t because it isn’t real.
Your mom texted me today this “Our daughter is such a fighter. Sometimes I just stop and think about how much she has already been through in her first 27 days of life. It’s certainly more than I have been through in 33 years.” I think I said those same words in my journal a few nights ago. It really is insane how much you’ve gone through. It really puts life in perspective sometimes. No matter how bad things get...we know how to struggle, fight, and keep marching along. We’re Sears!!!
I snuck wine in the NICU tonight in a little Yeti mug. Sorry...not sorry. It’s a Friday night tradition after a hard week’s work. If we have to be in this room all day, at least we can relax and have some fun.
I love you

Day 28: 4/11/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme: Take Action. My Thoughts - so important, you can’t wait around for things to happen. You have to be proactive (the first is the seven habits of highly effective people). You control your mindset and God is always there with you as a foundation. We all could look at what has happened to our family as a tragedy with a mindset of why us? I tend to look at this all as a blessing. I get to spend so much time with you every day. I know more about how your body works than I can ever imagine. Your nurses are training me to be a better caretaker. I’m journaling and writing a book for you, etc. All of that wouldn’t be possible without our situation. So, we can sit in here and say “woe is me”, or we can be proactive and take action. I’m writing a book, learning about you, and keeping your care team encouraged and entertained. I could be sad, angry, and anxious. We get to choose and that is the beauty.
Beautiful spring day today! I was able to not work, relax a little, cut the grass, eat breakfast at home, get a bunch of chores done, work out, etc. I love these lazy days with you. It’s so nice when we have these lulls in the chaos. I’m not taking my eye off the prize...I just know I need to save my energy for the inevitable next big fight that comes our way. I’m thinking the next big battle will be the will or won’t you take to milk feedings again well. I know you got this so I’m not worried. I’ll just take it easy until then.
I don’t want to jinx anything...but it’s REALLY NICE to think in terms of days and weeks vs. hours and minutes in the future. I’m 100% not getting ahead of myself, but I’m more looking forward to milestones now vs just being happy your still here every day. That is progress I love.
Trying to think of what to get your care team as your first month thank you...any ideas?
Oh…talk about weird things in the world today. Your cousin, Katie (my niece), had a drive by social distancing birthday today. We can’t “gather” due to rules from the governor so we all drove by to say hi and honk our horns for some birthday wishes. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I’VE SEEN ANYONE OTHER THAN YOUR CARE TEAM IN A MONTH!!! The whole family wanted to know all about you and they said they watch you flail around all the time on the NicView. You really have a fan club. I’m so happy for that stupid thing. At least they all can get to know you a little bit even if they can’t see you in person.
Going home early tonight and I’m eating TACOS from La Parada!!! They’re my absolute favorite thing. I can’t wait to introduce you when you’re older. Plus, you and your Mom are Hispanic so we need to start you early on that good Mexican food. Your Grandma Genie will be really happy about that.
I love you

Day 29: 4/12/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme: Choose Carefully. My Thoughts - All day I’ve been trying to think of my “personal brand”. What people think of me, the way I present myself, and in how I live my life. I think I’m settling on “Never Quit” as my personal brand. I’m not the nicest, funniest, caring, smart, determined, consistent, lovable, passionate, positive, prepared, analytical, etc... but I never quit. Lol. You have to forcibly take something away from me for me to stop. Only things I’ve ever quit in life were gambling, cigarettes, and 1 job (which that was way off brand). Ironically, I’ve become “never quit” now on never restarting gambling or smoking. With this in mind, I need to be super choosy about what I bring into my life. Only things that match my goals can come into my world. For that...I must choose carefully.
On the never quit brand thing...that’s a great thing for you!!! You know I’m not going ANYWHERE!!! You’re stuck with me...and all of my weirdness.
4 weeks old!!! Holy shit! I can’t believe it’s been 4 weeks with you. What a blessing and I’m a forever changed person. I already want more kiddos (I’m sure your mom is excited to hear that one).
Happy Easter as well. Usually we host Easter for the family every year. We have a huge yard you’ll love to play in, hunt eggs in, etc. We can’t wait for you to be able to enjoy it and play there. We literally bought our house for you about 6 years ago with this dream in mind. Unfortunately, due to coronavirus, Easter as we normally know it was cancelled. I never thought 2 months ago that we’d be sitting in a hospital during Easter with our beautiful baby girl, not seeing my family, and not hosting Easter like normal because of a pandemic. What a strange few months.
Speaking of strange, you had another REALLY bad morning again today and we all had no idea why it was happening. Pretty scary stuff really. It just makes me wonder, WHEN IS ALL OF THIS GOING TO STOP!!! It is so hard to develop any kind of a routine. I go to sleep and you’re great. I get back to the hospital in the morning and no one has any idea why you are spiraling. I’m making breakfast and get a call from your Mom that basically everything goes to hell in a hand basket. It’s a crazy alternate universe. It’s so hard to figure all this out.
I was talking to your Mom today and wondering out loud, knowing that I KNOW you’re coming home, would it be better if we just didn’t know what was happening sometimes back at the NICU. Obviously the answer is no; however, it’s an interesting thought. Probably something we should check with other NICU parents on their thoughts around knowing everything or not. I’m pretty sure they’d say be there…just thinking out loud.
Is there any better noise than when you are sat-ing high on your oxygen? Just makes me so happy.
Inversely, is there any worse noise than when you are sat -ing low????
Lol...it’s the same noise btw. One creates a smile, the other makes you poo your pants.
I love you

Day 30: 4/13/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme - treat yourself. My Thoughts - Balance. Life is all about balance. Your mom and I have to keep ourselves sane every day by staying physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually centered. To do that, we have to be strategically selfish. While you are the most important thing in the world to us, we can’t be the role models and care givers you need unless we take care of ourselves first. I often feel selfish when I’m not at the hospital and instead I’m mowing the grass, reading, working out, etc. That’s not God’s intention for us, we all need balance.
27 weeks old...you’re like a Grandma! Hahahaha
We are marching into week 5 like a boss! New week...who dis? You’re going to crush it this week. I expect you back to milk feedings by Sunday, post op recovery complete, and MAYBE getting closer to coming off the vent. You got this girlie!
You did GREAT all day today. I’m so proud of you. We’re going to have a great week. I’m back on the positive train with you. Not trying to push you too hard, but I’m going to need you to get off this ventilator by mid next week and start drinking milk again.
You’re getting back to your funny, adorable little self again. All the nurses just love working with you. Your nurse the past few days, Sarah, has been incredible. She talks to you all a day and can’t stop saying how cute you are...plus she got you through some really tough days as well. We all owe her big time.
Finally going home feeling good for the first time in a few days. We’ve OFFICIALLY turned the corner in my mind and we are getting ready for some fun times the rest of the way out. Keep fighting and getting stronger.
I love you

Day 31: 4/14/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme: don’t shrink. My Thoughts - when you have a challenge...don’t back down. That is when people are made and you see the real person. Are you going to cower in fear, let anxiety take over you and cripple you, etc; or, are you going to face it head on, try harder, be better, learn, grow, etc.? We have this choice every day and even more so right now given our situation. I’m disappointed to say that at one point in my mid-20’s, I let fear work the opposite effects on me. It made panic and anxiety a part of my daily life. I fought back though, learned the why, learned how to correct, and ultimately choose to take control of my own actions and thoughts to overcome and be a better person. That training has prepared me for this ultimate battle that our family is facing today. I thank God he put me through that earlier in my life so I could get my selfish reactions out of the way and be there to support you and your Mom today. Remember, your Dad’s brand is never quit. I try to live up to that every day.
Well EQ... today is a great day. You’re crushing it with the new steroids and Emily, your NP, is talking about extubating you in a few days as a “remote possibility”. What an amazing surprise. You’re looking so much better.
Pretty lazy day overall. Your Momma spends most of the time at the hospital. You 2 got back to Kangarooing and improving.
Whenever I’m away from your room and the hospital, it is a struggle to keep consistent and focused for some reason. All I can seem to think about it getting back to the hospital all the time. It is really distracting to everything else in my life.
I love you

Day 32: 4/15/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme - your change begins with you. My Thoughts - I loved this line “your circumstances aren’t your problem. Until you change your thinking, no matter what’s going on in your life you’ll stay stuck.” It’s ironic if you read the bullets below that I started writing before reading this today. Those notes sound like someone who feels a little stuck and letting circumstances dictate their mood doesn’t it? Great message to remember. I came into this week knowing it was going to be a great week. Let’s keep up the momentum. I’m closing deals at work, voluntarily reading and writing daily for the first time in my life, staying healthy and active, and my little baby is still here and I’m blessed to get to see her.
I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I woke up at 2 am and tried to check your NicView camera, but it was down for like 2 hours. Finally I gave in and called the hospital. I knew something wasn’t going the way I was hoping it was when I left. I knew you were fine, but I also knew you were having a setback of some sort. It’s so frustrating to watch you yo-yo back and forth. When you are doing good, I get excited and want to watch closely. When I know you’re taking a step back...I get so confused and can’t seem to figure out why.
The first few weeks we had big themes and goals to observe and work toward. Now, it feels like every day is Groundhog Day. 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Eventually that has to change right? You can’t always go backward??? It will flip to 2 steps Forward and 1 step back. It has to…right? In the meantime, it’s just so hard to watch and live.
We live in such a now society, this is the ultimate test in patience.
I walked back in this morning and you were doing better, but I knew that was coming off a bad night. I could already tell on the nurses faces. I feel so bad for them that they have to deliver this news to parents all the time. They’re saints. The worst part is I definitely can’t tell your Mom this...she’ll freak out and think the sky is falling. I can’t do that to her again. I won’t “lie” to her, but I also won’t go into details.
I had a deep thought and then I forgot it...damnit. Lol. The charge nurse happens to be the wife of a childhood friend and stopped by right as I had my epiphany. Oh well, I’m sure it will come back.
I love you

Day 33: 4/16/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme: know your strengths. My Thoughts - a book I recently read, 7 habits of highly effective people, talks about the how habits 1 through 3 are all personal habits to master of knowing yourself, your core values, and to be proactive and intentional with how you move about your life. You can’t master these principles, or how to interact with others (habits 4-6), unless you know yourself first. I can’t wait to be a role model for you to teach these skills and watch you grow and develop as you get older. This is an area of life I’m very passionate about and can’t wait to share with you. Also, knowing my strengths (specifically optimism, competitiveness, and never giving up) have really helped me to be positioned to manage this current situation we find ourselves and stay focused on the prize of getting you home safe and sound. I feel like God really has indirectly been training me for years and honing my strengths to prepare me literally for this exact moment. I won’t let you down.
Still up and down this week on the ventilator. I’m choosing to be optimistic. I KNOW you’re going to make your big breakthrough still this week. You’ve got this...you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met and that is not hyperbole. I can’t imagine anyone being able to endure what you’ve gone through. You just keep fighting and never give up. I often wonder what’s in your mind that keeps you going and where it comes from? I’d love to know how babies handle all of this, and why some fight and survive, like you, while others don’t. You truly will have endured more than any single person I know by the time you’re 4 months old. It’s remarkable. I wish you could walk me through your mindset.
I was looking through my video and photos yesterday from the last week. It’s amazing seeing your progression, coloring, physical growth, mannerisms, etc. It may only be 5 weeks, but it feels like 2 years in those photos.
BTW - we know you can tan...whew! When they had that light on you for a week…you got super dark. It really showed in the pictures. I was worried you’d get your Mom’s inability. Lol
Speaking of your Mom, your Grandma sent a photo of your Mom as a baby to us yesterday. You 2 looked identical. I guess that debate is settled. I’m just glad you got my tanning genes at least.
I love you

Day 34: 4/17/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme: Is your GPS on? My Thoughts – “Prayer is your GPS (guidance, protection, strength).” It IS true…if you don’t use it you lose it! I need to start praying at the end of my readings every day. I don’t have to do this alone. I can ask for guidance, protection, and strength and turn God “on” each day. You’ll never get what you don’t ask. One of my life problems has always been to not ask for help and always trying to solve my own problems. You miss out on guidance and mentorship a lot by doing this. That guidance could help prevent you from driving yourself off a cliff. Use it.
Oh man...belly day drama part 2. So, the surgery team came to check on you routinely this morning and had some concerns. That led to a “minor” procedure we were told. That “minor” procedure turned into a full new ostomy procedure AND a new PICC line for some extra fun. I’m so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts that I won’t do it justice in this writing. Partly because I’m just too damn exhausted to think. This stuff just saps the life out of you.
It feels like Groundhog Day every day in here. We come in expecting a different outcome, we talk about it with doctors and nurses, we game plan, and then it all goes to shit. Rinse and repeat and do it all again the next day.
Selfishly speaking...I’m overwhelmed. I can’t focus on anything...work, you, errands, etc. It all just blurs together in an endless sea of the same day over and over again.
I feel so bad for you. I want nothing more than to give you a week...ONE FREAKING WEEK...of no bullshit and see what you can do. It’s like we’ve been stuck in this belly rut for 4 weeks and we all can’t move on until this is in the rear-view mirror.
I need to go back to focusing on day by day and hour by hour. I let my mind get ahead of me again. I started thinking about weeks and months in the future a few days ago. Thank you for the reminder that this isn’t possible in this situation. FOCUS and I guess fall in love with the process????? That’s a saying I’ve used to remind myself in the past that NO ONE likes hard work, but if you focus on the process, lock in, and execute on what you can control; than at least it can be somewhat more enjoyable.
You know what...that’s a load of crap. There is NO PROCESS in this environment and that’s why it is such a struggle. I think Patience and Faith is the process. I need to fall in love with that.
I BLASTED your Sia song “Alive” today...I got chills. You’re so strong. It just reminds me to imagine you yelling at the top of your lungs so everyone can hear you that you’re going to be okay. You’re a fighter. You’re alive.
I love you

Day 35: 4/18/20

I LOVE YOU!!!! I’ve been writing these 3 words every day at the beginning and end of my writing since this all began; however, the past few weeks I’ve been forgetting to remember the why behind the words I love you when I type it out. This morning I took some time to think a little deeper about those words so they aren’t just words. You’re truly the strongest person I’ve ever met in my life. You’re a role model for me to live up to as I try and live the “never quit” motto each and every day. As you know, that’s my personal brand I’ve recently settled on...never quit. You’re truly are your father’s daughter, and already in one month you have shown more “never quit” than I’ve ever in my entire life. I’m so proud of you...truly. Watching you has reminded me while I’m running, working, hanging with you, etc. what those words really mean. You are already making me a better person. Hell...I’m WRITING every day. I HATE WRITING!!! I probably haven’t ever once in my life written for any other purpose than being forced at school. It’s like I’m living in an alternate universe.
Dad joke of the day - why did the shopping cart quit its job? It was tired of being pushed around. I’m going to start a new trend in my writing, a dad jokes of the day. Hope you enjoy!
Daily Scripture Theme - break free from other people’s expectations. My Thoughts – “Jesus walked his own walk and we should do the same.” Don’t let anyone make you feel like you need to change who you are. You’re super special and God has a plan...let him guide you and be true to yourself.
I’m also going to actually READ out loud to you the jokes and scripture reading each day. It seems to be working to calm you down today so I’ll keep that up going in the future.
Man... what a day yesterday. You’re still recovering from your last surgery and we are back to you being SUPER swollen, low blood pressures, pumped full of fluid to counteract, etc. Rough days are ahead for all of us, but I know you’ll get through it because you’re the strongest little thing ever. PLUS, in a weird twist of fate, we just did this last week so we all know the drill this time :). Listen to the scripture theme today jn your recovery. Don’t let me, your mom, or your doctors and nurses’ pressure you to be something you’re not. Your recovery is your recovery. You do you. We’re here to support you.
Okay...you’re officially scaring the shit out of us. YOU GOT THIS!!!!! I’ve never wanted something more in my life than to see you pull through this. Please God, get this baby home to us happy and healthy.
I love you

Day 36: 4/19/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the day - did you about the 2 thieves that stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.
Daily Scripture Theme - Listen to love. My Thoughts - this is very timely for us. The message is all about listen to people around you and give them something special based on this. Your mom and I are still trying to figure out what to get your nurses as gifts to thank them for all of their incredibly hard work. We were just speaking about this yesterday. I think it may be something called Dansko Clogs. They all seem to love their shoes. We’ll keep listening though and that will guide us on what to do,.
What a freaking day and night yesterday. We really almost lost you again. It was a crazy whirlwind of a day where everyone was chasing you around based on your symptoms and throwing everything they had at the problem. You just didn’t seem to want to respond and make that breakthrough.
Ironically, due to all this latest trauma, your Mom and I ACTUALLY GOT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU AS A FAMILY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER A MONTH!!! How crazy does that sound. We haven’t all been together in the same room since basically when you were born. The nursing staff was so nice to let us break the stringent coronavirus rules, yep...that’s still a thing, and we were able to be bedside together. Sadly, that was because how bad the situation had gotten, but we were able to have some fun. That was the first time we’ve truly felt like a Family together since you were born. It felt really good. We read you jokes, stories, held your hand, etc. I forgot what it almost felt like to have a teammate in all of this process because we’ve been so isolated from each other due to the pandemic. We’re way better together than apart. I got to see how amazing of a Mom she is going to be first hand. That is just so amazing to have that opportunity even if it is in this crazy of an environment. I can’t wait to get you home safe and sound so we can continue with these amazing little moments.
You have a huge day ahead of you today. Keep turning that corner and being the strongest person I’ve ever seen. Your resilience is remarkable. Someday I’m going to tell you this story, and you will be crying your eyes out as you learn what you are truly capable of overcoming.
You have the best nurses with you today. Stacy is going to be so happy to learn where you are now when she gets back for her shift tonight.
I love you

Day 37: 4/20/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - what do lawyers wear to courts? Lawsuits. Fun story - your Grandma and Grandpa got to read you a few more Dad Jokes today via FaceTime. That was a cool experience. You loved it.
Daily Scripture Theme - you can cope with criticism. My Thoughts -
The 4:45 am phone call. Stacy promised us we were okay to go home and finally get some sleep last night. The past few days had exhausted us and we were back in a good place it seemed. Stacy, whom we trusted like a sister, promised you were good and she had this. We went home to sleep. 4:45 am, the phone rings, and it was a doctor saying that your potassium had spiked and your heart was all over the place. They said to get in here as quickly as we can.
Your Mom and I jumped into action and sped off to the hospital. When we got there...it was chaos. Your heartbeat was everywhere and they were scrambling to correct it. The decision was made to try a few more drugs to counteract and wait and see. They worked, but the damage was done and noticeably visible. Your little body’s blood pressure had been so off on Fri and Sat and your kidneys were shutting down and not peeing any of the fluids off. They were failing. Your electrolytes were way off as well. We were all sitting around waiting and praying for you to pee. That was the only way out of this mess. It was all on you, but you were still fighting.
Dr. Rescorla, the surgeon, came by to check on you and said he unfortunately doesn’t think you’ll make it and there is nothing they can do. That was the first time I’d heard that from anyone. Dr. Matori agreed. I was terrified.
The rest of the day we waited and prayed for you to pee. We tried everything we could and you started to pee a little...and then a little more...and then a little more. We had hope.
By the night, your pee was blood red and slowly declining…but still there. We just wanted to make sure you were comfortable.
Your Mom and I cried and cried. Your grandma, Grandpa, and family came to wait in the lobby (because they couldn’t get it because of coronavirus). Everyone else who had been watching your journey prayed for a miracle to happen.
Your Mom and I got to spend some reflective time talking about how incredible, strong, and how much you exemplified the “Never Quit” Sears brand. You fought and fought and fought!!! I was so amazed and proud.
The palliative care lady came by to talk about end of life options...our minds were blown. We couldn’t process it. Your vitals had stabilized and we weren’t ready to wave the white flag...but deep down we knew.
This day took everything out of us and it started to become real that we might be losing you.
We threw a Hail Mary of a blood drug to pull fluid into your veins then immediately followed by lasik to help you pee it out...it failed.
We had you baptized to help you be closer to God if something were to happen.
We finally went to sleep at the hospital (barely...it was another long night)
I love you

Day 38: 4/21/20

I love you
Daily Scripture Theme - do something outrageous. My Thoughts - I read this to you out loud and recorded it with you, your Mom, and I all together. It was hard not to break down...I thought this might be the last day overall. God is outrageous and full of surprises. Every minute with you has been full of surprises and joys. Highs and Lows. Love and Optimism. Scared and Afraid. It’s been a journey I will never forget and has profoundly changed everything about me to the core (more on this to come).
By the time the morning came, your vitals had stabilized from the traumas of the past few days but the damage had clearly been done. Your Mom and I had a decision to make. It is the hardest conversation I’ve ever even thought to consider.
You are still fighting and going strong...you won’t ever quit. You make me so proud. You truly live your life fearless and will never throw in the towel. Because of this...I can’t make that decision for you. Your mom and I talked and agreed to let you fight on until it was absolutely clear what the outcome would be. Even if there was the smallest glimmer of hope, I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t let you go for it.
That’s what we are learning parenting is...we can’t do it for you. We have to watch you succeed or fail on your own while we sit on the sidelines cheering you on with love and unwavering support. I can’t / we can’t make this decision for you. We won’t let you be in pain, but we also won’t stop you if you want to keep trying.
We made the call to fight on today, but we have a plan in place for tomorrow if you aren’t showing progress in the next 24 hours. I won’t watch you be in pain that can’t be overcome.
Today was such a blessing. It’s a BEAUTIFUL spring day outside. God…you would love to be out in the yard playing or us the tennis courts with teaching you new shots. There are so many things that I’ll never get to do, but TODAY is a blessing I won’t forgot.
Your mom and I spent all day holding your hand, reading you books, talking about the amazing times we have so far already. Crying about what we’ll miss most and what we won’t be able to see you achieve. It was memories that I will never forgot and YOU gave this to us. We love you so much.
How many people get to spend time with their daughter and do all the last things they’ve dreamed. That is a unique experience I’ll cherish forever.
Your Mom and I will be fine, but forever changed.
No one can take away this time we’ve had. I will MAKE SURE the world knows your story and doesn’t forget. I VOW this to you here and now.
I will live my live in your honor. I will demonstrate your strength in how you lived and fought. I will never give up just like you showed me how to do. They are going to need to drag me from the field beaten and bloodied and not on my own power before they would see me quit. You’ll never see anything unleashed like the new me now that it is infused with your strength and power.
As I’m writing this...5:16 pm alarm and Sia Alive went off. I got to play it again for you and tell you how strong and powerful you are. If you have a miracle in you...let’s see it baby. Tonight, is the night!!!
Your Mom and I Face-Timed your immediate family members so they could say a personal goodbye. You are so loved. My biggest regret is not being able to show you off to the whole family and rest of the world. You literally would have taken this world by storm with your strength and adorable cuteness.
So…the hospital won’t let us all stay together tonight because of coronavirus rules as you are “stable” and even though we are planning on tomorrow making the call based off of your lab results overnight. Really sucks. I wanted your Mom to be the one that guides you through the night, and we’ll all be back together again in the morning.... assuming you don’t make a miraculous turn around. I sent her home to get cleaned up and grab some clothes for tomorrow. I’m here all alone with you and this is the most scared I think I’ve ever been. I’m worried that I won’t be able here with you if you pass away from something bad happening tonight. I’m also terrified that I won’t be there physically to support you and your Mom through this. This is really cruel. It makes me want to puke.
I have to sit at home, alone, and without you, on most likely, the last night of your life. What kind of a sick world is this.
The Nurses have muted all the noises in your room as your sats are so low and would be triggering alarms all the time. Those quiet times with just you and I in your room are magical. No nurses, de-sats, binging or bonging, blood gases, labs, x-rays, poking or prodding, etc. Just you, me, the ventilator breathing noise, and my thoughts. I’ll cherish those times forever. I need more peaceful time like this is my life of just sitting and thinking.
Your Nurses made a little heartbeat recording for us all to remember you should you pass away. Listening to your heartbeat in a quiet room is so relaxing.
I love you

Day 39: 4/22/20

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!
Dad Joke of the Day - What happens when you get hit by a rental car…it hertz.
Daily Scripture Theme - “there’s peace in no”. My Thoughts - Your Mom and I read this to you while she was holding you during your final hours. I think the biggest thing I can take from this is our decision to end your battle. We said no to you and there is peace in that. Some might question our decision, but they aren’t your parents. They didn’t see who you were and what was going on with you. They didn’t see your pain, discomfort, and struggles to come in the future even if you did miraculously make it through all of this. We said no to you in the most selfless act I’ve ever made in my life. I knew you wouldn’t quit (which is why I love you so much and you are my role model…more on that to come).
I don’t even know where to begin today as so many things happened.
Let’s start with 10:30pm on 4/21. Your mom and I were together with a few of your nurses who were looking after you. I don’t know what changed but your blood pressure started dropping a little and then your oxygenation started sating WAY lower than it ever has before and you were on 100% oxygen. I don’t know what had changed because the whole day you were so stable in your extremely critical state. We were hoping and praying you could maintain until 4 am the next day for your lab tests to see if your kidneys had started to recover…. we never made it.
I’m not sure why (and I don’t think I’ll ever really know) but I jumped up and said it’s time when your oxygenation sats dropped so low in the 60’s for over a minute. It was kind of out of nowhere but I think my dad instincts just kicked in and said I can’t let you keep doing this to yourself. From there, it was all a blur.
Around 11:15 I picked you up out of your isolate and carried you over to your mother waiting in a chair to kangaroo with you. It was incredibly emotional and we cried forever it felt like. The care team left us alone all together and we just sat there thinking about you, talking about your life, reading you some dad jokes, reading the daily scripture and discussing, etc.
You started to do so well on your vitals…you just needed your mother.
You 2 looked so perfect together…like you were literally made for each other. I can’t even describe what I’m saying. It was like a lock and a key. It just all fit so perfectly together.
For the first time in 5 days, it started to look like you and I could see you were comfortable. You were so tired and exhausted from them poking you all the time for IV’s and blood gases. You just wanted your mom and to rest. It was so clear.
Around 1:00 am, the chaplain came in to read you your final blessings. He was the same old guy from the night before for the baptism. He was sweet and kind. I have no idea how these people do what they do.
Around 1:30 am we called in Reyna, the NP, and the RT to extubate you while your mom was holding you. We were all ready to send you to a better place where you could be pain free, grow, and heal.
They extubated you…. we cried and cried. Your mom kept holding you tightly and I held your little hand. The Nurse Practitioner told us it might be minutes to an hour for you to pass.
Again, you looked so peaceful being held by your mom and we could finally see your full face again without all the tubes and tape. I could tell you were happy.
After about 30 minutes, I walked out of the room to go talk to the nurses as I had no idea what was going on…were you alive, gone, etc.????
The nurses came in to check your heartbeat…you were still around 100 bpm. I was dumbfounded. How could this be? How could my little girl be so strong? Was I doing the right thing? This was so confusing.
Another 20 minutes pass and we still hadn’t heard anything. I called in a nurse again. 80 BPM now. Oh my god…why did we not talk about this before. We were told an hour max. Are you really THIS strong??? Was this the right decision???
Around 3 am I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. I feel asleep holding your hand on a couch I had pulled up to be next to you and your mom. You were still holding strong. The nurse came in again and I was awoken. Still 50 BPM.
I’m so exhausted. I haven’t slept for days, hadn’t eaten, I was out of energy…I fell asleep next to you and your mother.
Finally - Around 5:10 am I get a tap on my shoulder from your mom and I spring out of my slumber. The nurses are finally let us know your heart stopped beating. Over 4 HOURS after we extubated you. In that moment the decision we made couldn’t have been clearer. YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER GIVEN UP NO MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES. We had made the right call for you as you were too strong to give up yourself. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to be a part of.
While hard, it was so beautiful to watch. I’ve never been more at peace in my life than looking at you and being held closely by your mother and seeing you at ease. You had gone through hell the past 5 days and this finally gave you some relief.
I have NO idea how your mom did what she did. She sat in a chair for 7+ hours holding you so tightly and never moved. Here’s something to know about your mom…she normally pees like every hour. It’s always drove me crazy. She didn’t today. I know where you get your strength and endurance from. It certainly isn’t the little bitch that passed out on a couch. It is your mother…you 2 are both my role models. I’m glad she was there to share that moment with you.
Reyna came in as we got cleaned up and she dressed you up in a gown and we took a few photos.
You looked beautiful and at the same time you looked like you had just endured so much. Another reminder that we were making the right decision.
We cleaned up the room and packed up. What a surreal moment. This had been our home for 35 days. We had stuff everywhere. It felt like we were packing up our house.
I walked all of our things to the car with a little red wagon. As I walked through the hospital alone and passed the guards we saw every day…they said…” going home??? Congratulations!” I didn’t know what to say. I just nodded and kept walking. I can’t remember if I was embarrassed, scared, tired, or what. It was just so weird.
I walked back in to the room, grabbed your mom who was holding you by the window, kissed you goodbye, and got the hell out of that place. While I loved our time at Riley, I couldn’t take being there another second. Reyna offered to make us some mementos and we said we’d come by tomorrow to pick them up.
Driving home - I called my mom and told her your story. It is so clear that I’m going to spendthrift rest of my life living up to you.
We got home in a daze…everything was blurry and crazy. We were so tired. WE SLEPT.
We woke up around 12 and cried and cried together over how much we missed you.
We pretty much spent the rest of the day on and off crying all the time.
Eventually I thought to myself, this isn’t how you would want us to live. Emilia wouldn’t live this way. Emilia just DID. When she was confronted with an obstacle…you just kept on going and didn’t think twice about it. Emilia would keep on pushing through.
I made your mom watch my stupid Darren Daily. I thought…this is so dumb for me to care about these things but it turned out to be a great message. Ironically it was about how to keep on fighting in times of crisis. It was like you made the video for us. 1 step at a time…1 step at a time.
I got us up and cleaned up. Forced us to eat. We then made a vow to finish your book and live every day like Emilia would.
We walked outside…it was the most amazing spring day. You were shining down on us telling us it was okay.
YOU ARE MY ROLE MODEL!!!!
Your Mom and I opened up the most expensive and special bottle of wine we owned and had been saving for 8 years. It was incredible. We talked about you and all of the things we loved and missed. I told your mom that I’ve always struggled my whole life to understand my WHY. I’ve always been talented and successful but it was empty. It was just me forcing myself to do it for I have no idea. That has always bugged me. I then read a book, ironically during your ICU stay, that had talked about knowing your why and how important that is as motivation to develop new habits that will compound overtime to make an impact on yourself. One of the things they discussed was know you’re WHY. The example they gave was why would you cross a tightrope to a burning skyscraper to save what was on the other side. When you know that…you know your why. Before I met you, I had no why. That is what I’ve been missing my whole life. Knowing what you’ve survived and went through and how you would never quit…you gave me the example that I will live the rest of my life by to honor your name. YOU ARE MY WHY. Being your role model and living up to your strength will make it so easy for me to do what I need to do to better my life for myself and our family. It will Never be a struggle to muster up the courage or strength to do the stuff I hate because how could I let you down. All I have to think is what would Quinn do…and it is so easy.
Your mom and I took a walk together. We agreed to call this our “Emilia Walk” that we would take every night and talk to each other about you, life, etc.
NO ONE WILL EVER FORGET YOU…I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN.
We told the world of your passing on Facebook. It was painful but I’m glad we did. We told your story and it was beautiful.
We were flooded with condolences and sadness. It is funny when people say I’m so sorry for your loss. The truth is, don’t feel sorry for me at all. It was an honor to know my hero and role model in this physical world for 37 days. I’m not sure how you can change that saying but I’ll try to remember that the rest of my life.
We finally slept.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Day 40: 4/23/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Did you hear about the 2 radios that got married? The reception was fantastic.
Daily Scripture Theme: Like a Child. My Thoughts - Holy shit. They nailed this one. It was all about how children love unconditionally, try hard, want to experience everything, and how we can model our life this way. Clearly, you are my role model from this day and for the rest of my life. I’ve learned so much from you. I have my why. I will honor you with living every day the way that you would, with unending love, energy, and fight.
Is this really only day 2. It feels like 2 months. How is this even possible to have time go this slow?
We have to keep moving for you.
It’s so hard to get out of bed…what would Emilia do?
It’s so hard to eat…what would Emilia do?
It’s so hard to respond to all the messages from friends and family…what would Emilia do?
I don’t want to write…what would Emilia do?
I don’t want to work out…what would Emilia do?
I don’t want to call the funeral home and cemetery…what would Emilia do?
I don’t want to update the world on your next steps…what would Emilia do?
I don’t want to answer the phone…what would Emilia do?
It’s so easy to just give up. How did you not give up? How were you so strong? How were you able to endure what you did? Why couldn’t I protect you. How could I stop you from trying?
I wrote.
I ate
Your mom and I took a walk.
I answered messages.
I updated the world.
I took care of the funeral stuff.
Your Grandma and Grandpa came by to drop off food. That was nice to talk and feel a little normal for a while.
I went back to Riley’s to pick up some of your memorial stuff they prepared for us. It felt so weird being there again and so familiar at the same time.
I ran into the amazing guard I always saw everyday going through security. He had always been so nice and treated me so well. He said “I hope I never see you again”. He was an amazing person. He told me one time that his 28-year-old son was a micro preemie and that “It was ugly” and there is hope. He was so supportive.
I ran into the McGrew’s on my way out. The McGrew’s were your next-door neighbor for 30+ days. He said “What’s up man?”. I just said hey…I didn’t have the heart to tell him. They still have their own battle to fight. I pray that they’re okay.
I talked to my Dad about some feelings I had about how he was handling all of this. I was worried and confused. I know my Dad loves me and I love him. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way as we’ve never really expressed a lot of emotion toward each other in our lives. Now that you made me a Father and I learned what that means, I wanted to tell him why I needed to understand how he didn’t have the same pain and sorrow for me that I have for you? We were able to talk about it. It was a struggle. I told him that you’re my role model and one day I hope he can say the same thing about me. I just want to live my life to the fullest to honor you. I promise I will do that every day. I’m doing it now as I’m writing all of this. I don’t want to do this at all, but what would Emilia do?
I posted on Facebook to send donations to us so we can do something special for the nurses at Riley that took such amazing care of you during your time there. Within an hour we had $1,000. I can’t wait to share with them when we are done.
I typed this…it was really hard to do and took hours.
Tomorrow I have to type your Eulogy and I don’t know how I’m going to do that…. Is this your Eulogy?
I got my haircut today (even though no places are open because of the pandemic lockdown). Marta is a saint for helping me and allowing me to come to her home for the haircut. I just didn’t want to look like an asshole for you as we sent you off from this world tomorrow at your funeral.
Felicia’s friend Ellen made us an amazing Spotify playlist and we listened to it together until 2am. It was really nice.
I love you so much.

Day 41: 4/24/30

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - Did you hear about the population of Dublin? It’s Dublin
Daily Scripture Theme: Fight off Stagnation. My Thoughts - Another great and timely message. Be proactive and do things with intention. When you find something you don’t want to do (which is everything right now), you just have to do it. It may not seem like much, but each step forward will lead you to something you never knew was possible. With how much you fought…I’d be ashamed to stagnate and waste God’s blessings.
It’s another beautiful spring day today. Thank you so much Emilia, I enjoy this time outside thinking about you and avoiding stagnation.
I cut the grass today. As I was cutting it, I couldn’t help to think why am I doing this? I wanted more than anything to be able to play with you in our beautiful and big yard someday. You would have loved it. I had to stop myself and remind myself again of my why. That why is and will always still be you. I need to keep this yard pristine so you can enjoy it wherever you are. When I think of it like that, it’s pretty easy to keep mowing.
Your Mom is struggling a lot right now and I’m worried about her. I can’t get her to eat and she is in a constant state of depression. I can’t seem to find any way to pull her out of this and it hurts me to see this. I’d love your advice on this one? You were so much like your Mother…I could already tell. You both had endurance I’ve never seen before. I’m worried her endurance around being in pain will be a catastrophe for us all.
Our nightly Emilia walks have really helped. I think I need to keep pushing this one as it will build on itself eventually and make a little impact every day to help us through.
Grandma Genie is on her way today. I’m hoping that will help your Mom as well.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!
I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I was still in the NICU. I thought you were right next to me and it felt so real. When I realized I was at home, it was so sad because I knew you weren’t there. Those nights in the NICU may have been a nightmare, people coming in and out of the room all night, flashing lights, bonging, etc. I’d take all that every night for eternity if it means I’d get to still see you another day.
We’ve now already raised $2,000 toward your nurses’ gifts and my company will double whatever the end total is. I can’t wait to do something amazing for them in your honor. You would have loved meeting them and having them in your lives as you got older. They cared so much about you.
God…it is so hard writing this stuff as I can’t stop crying.
I have to write your Eulogy tonight. What kind of a nightmare is this????? No parent should ever have to do this! I’m dreading it so much but “What would Emilia Do?” Keeps ringing in my ears. I’ll get it done and make it great.
I love you.

Day 42: 4/25/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive? Someday my prints will come.
Daily Scripture Theme - There’s Only One You Really Need. My Thoughts - Today is the second hardest day of my life…your funeral. It is hard to believe that we’ll get through this, but God gives us strength to keep doing what we need to do. I need to live my life the way you would have lived and just keep moving forward step by step. Your memory and spirit is my why. I’ll get through this.
I wrote your Eulogy at 2 am this morning. I couldn’t stop all the thoughts swimming in my head so I woke up and just started writing. I want to make sure I do my absolute best for you so I’m going to rewrite and practice this morning. I still can’t believe I’m having to do this.
It happened again…2 nights in a row now. I woke up in the middle of the night after dreaming I was asleep in the NICU. We were talking about your care with your nurses and could feel you were slowly fading. I woke up and was asking where you were to your Mom? Your Mom kept telling me you were gone and for some reason my mind couldn’t understand it???? It felt so real. She told me it was Saturday and you left us Wednesday. I just repeated that out loud over and over as it wasn’t computing in my head. Finally, it clicked after like 3 minutes of confusion. Then I was even more sad, and now just confused as to why this is happening to me over and over? Is this some alternate universe where we didn’t make the decision to end your battle? Is this me living out the experience we would have had? That’s pretty torturous if that is the case.
We are heading to your funeral. Why is this happening??? I want to be present and remember this whole day, but I also just want it over truthfully. I want all of these people out of our house. I want to be alone with your Mom.
I saw a commercial today for a lawnmower where a Dad was cutting the yard and his daughter saw him from the window, grabbed a baseball glove, and came outside. Then they were throwing a ball in the yard. I wanted that so bad for us.
It’s another gorgeous spring day…thank you
We got to your funeral and saw you. It was overwhelming at first. To see your tiny little baby in that tiny little casket.
You looked beautiful. It was so clear that you had your Mother’s looks. I hadn’t see you in a few days and I was so worried about how you’d look given your state we left you in on Wednesday night. You looked like our baby again!!! I’ll forever remember you that way vs. Wed night.
Your Mom never left your side until the service. She sat in front of you and cried while everyone hugged her. You 2 are just so made for each other.
I set out all of your mementos, shelties, and lions around your casket.
I’m so relieved that we could only have 10 people there and live stream it to others. I needed all of my strength for your Eulogy.
Father gave an amazing service.
Finally, it was time for me to speak. I had worked really hard on your Eulogy because I wanted to make you proud of me. I wanted to show you my promise that I would always live like Emilia and never quit. I normally hate public speaking, but I wasn’t scared.
I gave you the speech of my life and I have no regrets. It was what you deserved. I’ll continue to work like that through you for the rest of my life. Thank you for your strength to get through it.
Your Mother spoke beautiful words about you as well. I’m so exciting to finish this book together for you. It will be a true mash up of all of our talents combined together. It will help so many people and keep your memory alive at the same time.
On to the cemetery - Your little final resting place is in the area with a bunch of other little baby infant angels. The priest spoke eloquently again.
All of your family that was able to be present spoke, except your Grandpa. They all shared beautiful thoughts, poems, and words. God, I wish am they all could have gotten to know you better. You would have LOVED your family so much, and they would have loved you as well.
I’m out of energy and just want to go home. I’m the sprinter remember...I tire easily. I’m so jealous of you and your mom have endurance as a superpower. It’s so admirable.
I just want some wine, tacos, and time alone.
We got home and spent the rest of the day with family in love, smiles, and happiness. It was really nice to not feel sad for a change.
We played some board games late into the night. Your Mom’s family loves playing board games...you would have had so much fun at our Christmas’ down in San Antonio every year.
Your EULOGY:
- Thank you all for being here today, and Thank You all so much for the love and support you’re shown to Emilia, myself, and Felicia over these past few weeks.
- I’ve never in a million years dreamed that I’d be eulogizing my own daughter, but here we are and it is pretty surreal. We still can’t believe she’s gone. We thought with all of our hearts that she was going to make it home safe and sound, but God had a different plan.
- First and foremost, I want to make it clear that I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for Felicia and I. Emilia gave us 39 beautiful days together. Felicia and I will be forever grateful for the time that we had with our little miracle baby. Focusing on feeling sorry for ourselves is not how we want to choose to move forward from today.
- I wanted to start off by saying a few words about Emilia. Even though we only got to know her in this world for 39 days, I don’t think I’ve known a person better in my life. She was feisty, courageous, loving, a fighter, ADORABLE, and most importantly never quit. She had to endure so much. EVERY challenge or obstacle that was ever thrown her way; she took them head on without a second thought and just kept pushing forward.
- Because we had a lot of time in the NICU to ourselves, I spent a lot of that time reading and writing. One of the books I read was called the “Compound Effect.” It’s a story about how little consistent actions each day can turn into habits, and those habits over time compound to have powerful results.
- In one section of the book it talked about to maintain a habit it is essential to have a powerful “why” behind all you do. The why is that driving force that whenever you want to give up compels you to keep moving forward. If you have a why...everything else is easy.
- They described a true why as that thing that would make you walk across a tightrope, in between 2 skyscrapers, to rescue someone on the other side from a burning building. Basically...something you don’t even have to think about to act because the why is so strong.
- I started to think about that as I was reading. I kept pondering what was my “Why”? I’ve always tried hard my whole life and done the right things, but it was always such a struggle and took so much energy to create positive habits and momentum.
- It finally dawned on me that I’ve never had a why before I met Emilia. That why wasn’t necessarily her physical person, but who she was and how she lived her life each day. Her courage, fight, and never quit attitude is inspirational and something that makes me so proud of her to call her my daughter. Watching her battle each and every day and wondering where she got that energy and that never quit attitude was remarkable to see. She never asked for this, but she never once felt sorry for herself, quit, or gave up. Ultimately, her Mom and Dad had to make her quit to protect herself from undue pain…even then she still wouldn’t give up. She’s already become my role model and the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my life. I’m the proudest Dad in the world. I vow to live the rest of my life trying to live up to her incredible standards, and make her proud to call me her Dad when we get to meet again someday.
- In keeping with making you proud of us…your Mom and I have decided to write a book to you based on our daily experiences since this journey began. We plan to publish this and give this to other NICU parents as a guide to help them in their own journey’s. We won’t stop writing and will make you proud.
- Here is my journal entry from her last day Wed…read day 39.
I love you.

Day 43: 4/26/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - what’s red and bad for your teeth? A Brick.
Daily Scripture Theme: Don’t worry about tomorrow. My Thoughts - Interesting reminder and once again very timely. Deal with life one day at a time. Yesterday was the second worse day of my life. If I hadn’t have focused all of my energy on it, I would have let you down and been embarrassed / ashamed for the rest of my life. Given where we are today, this message reminds me to not worry about anything, roll with the punches, and keep on pushing forward. Eventually those actions will compound and life will be different.
Thank you for another beautiful day. It is so encouraging to walk outside and feel your energy and spirit.
Our first “normal” day since you’ve left us. I’m not sure what normal is anymore… apparently it is this. We are back to being childless parents just living our lives, watching tv, eating, etc. We should be taking care of you, walking you in a stroller, etc. Instead we are eating leftovers and watching a stupid Netflix show “love is blind”.
It’s hard to know what to do right now. We all need time to heal and grow, but what does that even really mean? A part of me wants to get out there and take on the world for you because you can’t. You deserve that and I don’t want a second to pass not honoring you. Another part of me just wants to not get out of bed and “cheat a few days” by not working out, eating right, writing, reading, learning, yard work, etc... normal life. I guess just one day at a time.
I responded back to all of the messages, cards, flowers, and gifts we’ve received so far since your passing. It was exhausting trying to say the right thing and be cordial. How do you thank someone for a gift for your daughter’s death? No one is “thankful” for that. It was exhausting, but I got through it and it felt nice to accomplish something.
You are going to be so proud of us for the gifts that we ultimately give to your care team. We’ve been able to raise over $5,500 for them to date. I’m going to be so proud to give back to them in your name. That is a great step in the right direction.
Your Mom and I took our Emilia walk again tonight at 5:16 PM...this one was different. She is in such a different place than I am. Her sorrow is overwhelming. Her anger seems to be growing. It is exhausting for me to maintain and feel at her emotional levels to try to help her and be empathetic with her. I honestly don’t know what to do. I guess we just have to keep walking and talking each day…little by little the storm will pass. It has to eventually???
I watched actual TV for the first time in what felt like months. It was great to zone out for a few, but it felt like we were back to life pre-Emilia and I don’t ever want to live my life that way again. It is so confusing how to live right now without you.
I love you

Day 44: 4/27/20

I love you
Dad joke of the Day- how does a train eat? It goes chew chew
Daily Scripture Theme: don’t make big decisions in the storm. My Thoughts - “let your emotions subside before you decide”. There is a major storm in my life right now. I don’t think I’ve ever been in anything more serious in my life. It’s a category 6 hurricane. Damage that I have no idea is being done and I’m sure it will take a long time to repair. After all the storm has passed...so much rebuilding will be needed. My home, my marriage, my job, my future kids, etc. I need to let the hurt happen first before I can move forward. I was blessed to know my daughter and see first-hand how she lived her life. That really has helped me whether the storm and gave me a compass through all of this. Is this all a bad thing...maybe? I’d this all a good thing...maybe? Who knows as this is God’s plan. I’m not smart enough to understand.
What a BEAUTIFUL DAY again. God, I love you. I saw your little cherub on the pedestal on our patio shining in the sunlight and surrounded by lush green plants. It felt like I had you still here with me.
I had another crazy dream about us all last night. This time...we were still in the NICU, but no one was panicked. It seemed like the fight was finally over and the room was calm. Then I saw this dark figure coming toward you (was that the Grim Reaper, Holy Spirit, or Something Else)? I have no idea what it was...but I could feel the fight was over for everyone in that room. A part of me feels like this was the alternate universe where we didn’t make the call we did last Wed. The bad nightly dreams I’ve been having may have been what would have happened the following few days or something had we not acted. I don’t know what they are, but I hope this is the end of them.
I’m struggling to be intentionally sad. What I mean, for example, is listening to a song, reflecting, crying, and being in the moment. I struggle with that. I want to get deep and emotional, feel all the feels…but I just can’t. It feels like I’m just really bad at being sad. It makes me think something is wrong with me. I was driving my car on a road down to the lake house today. I thought it would be a good idea to just jam out to Ellen’s Spotify mix she made for you and be reflective as I drove through the back roads. In between weaving in and out of cars and driving like my normal self (like an aggressive idiot)...I just couldn’t do it. When I got to the lake and saw the beauty of the day and water; I wanted to stop and reflect and just couldn’t do it. I suck really bad at this. All I ever think about is just keep going.
Speaking of the lake house, it was so awesome to be down there. It’s such a beautiful and peaceful place. Unfortunately, all I could think about was all the memories you and I won’t get to make there. I feel like you would have been an amazing swimmer, kayaker.... and everything else. You would have shown the boys what’s up skiing and tubing. I’ll never get that with you and that sucks so much. I hear my Dad talk about your cousin Sarah catching fish and how good she is...he’ll never get that with you. He’ll never have stories like that about you. Will people just forget you existed?
Your Mom, myself, and your Grandparents all had a good time down at the lake. It was nice to get away.
We used our Emilia walk time down while we were there.
On the drive back. I started listening to one my books again for the first time since your last surgery (called the Hard Things About Hard Things). In one chapter they were talking about CEO’s having to make hard decisions, choose between 2 bad options, and just own the outcome. I thought to myself...I CHOOSE TO KILL MY DAUGHTER!!! I made a decision to end my daughter’s life just a week ago. Talk about heavy decisions and choosing between no good options. I have to own that for the rest of my life. That is such an awful thing for anyone to ever have to do. I can’t doubt myself or else I’ll have a mental breakdown knowing I took the most precious thing in the world to me voluntarily. I know what we did was right for you, but it is really hard to think about sometimes. When I hear someone talking about hard decisions...it makes me want to puke thinking that anything could ever be harder in life. If that is all it takes to be a CEO than this will be a piece of cake.
I love you.

Day 45: 4/28/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
Daily Scripture Theme: positively possible. My Thoughts - positivity and optimism...that’s my jam. There’s always a different perspective and way to view things. Is what happened to my family the past 2 months a bad thing...I honestly don’t know? I see a ton of positive things about this every day. Obviously, I’d give anything to have you back. I don’t know why you were taken from us yet, but I know there had to have been some reason. I have to think that way otherwise this would be the end of me. God HAS to have a plan? In this moment, I have to intentionally choose how I interpret what is happening around me to be a positive. A part of me worries that people may think it’s fake...I know it’s not.
Quinny Bear...another Gorgeous day!!! Thank you so much! It’s like you knew all the shit we went through together and you are giving your parents a little break. Thank you. I love you so much and miss you so much.
No bad dreams, or any dreams at all, last night. I really do think that was an alternate universe that was playing out in my dreams. I’m relieved to know we made the right call when we did and you didn’t experience more pain that was apparently to come.
I have to write at the end of the day going forward. I can’t seem write in the mornings and remember the previous day vividly enough.
This was the first day that your Mom and I were officially on our own. Her family was gone and it was back to just us in our house. It was like the whole thing never happened.
I have no idea how to feel right now anymore. I don’t want to spend all of my time sad and depressed; however, I feel weird / wrong thinking about things other than you.
It is so confusing. Just a few days ago, I was a Dad and had so much to worry about. Now I’m back to just figuring out what to do every day and I’m not even at work. I’m actually bored.
I’m also struggling to understand how to help your Mother as well. She’s going through so much more than me, and I don’t know how to help. I think this is really the time to focus on those “seek first to understand” and listening skills that I suck so bad at.
The therapist called for her today finally and that seemed to help a little. I know all of this is going to take time, but this was a great first step. They spoke for like an hour. That was really nice to see her talking. She’s just so sad all the time. I’ll randomly look at her and see her just staring at the ground where you can tell she’s just on the verge of crying. It breaks my heart.
We saw a friend walking his daughter in a stroller on our “Emilia Walk” tonight. It was SOOOOO awkward. I didn’t know if he knew. Apparently he did and didn’t want to say anything. We were talking like normal for a few minutes until he brought it up. It’s like we are lepers or something. It is so awkward. How do you bring this up with people? Just get it out at the beginning? You don’t want to be to callas and pretend like nothing is going on, but I also don’t want to break down and cry on people every time I see them. This whole thing just SUCKS.
God, I miss you so much.
I love you

Day 46: 4/29/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What did the Buddhist say to the Hotdog Vendor? Make me one with everything
Daily Scripture Theme: Fear leads to worry. My Thoughts - Control what you can control. We are all going through so much right now and have every right to worry all the time. However, I have the CHOICE to determine how I let that stimulus affect myself and my actions. So often we will spend hours, days, weeks, years, etc. worrying about a future event and then when it is over…what will be was. The anxiety you get from worrying and anticipation leading up to the event can literally kill people in extreme situations. Your Mother is such a worrier. She is really worried about having another child. What will be will be…we just need to trust in God as our foundation. I guess this is where faith comes into play. I’ve always hated that word as it means to me that we are supposed to trust implicitly without asking questions. I have to question everything, but at the end of the day…does that change the outcome? The answer is probably no.
Holy crap…we’ve raised like $6,500 for your nurses to date so far. That is amazing. I’m going to be so proud to do something really nice in your name at the Hospital. I know they won’t forget you. But I want to make sure that happens.
I’m getting really sick and tired of cards, donations, and flowers coming to the house. I know everyone means well, but it just makes me feel so bad reading all of them and reliving the worst event in our life. It is also exhausting responding to everyone. I REALLY want to acknowledge their gifts and say thank you but it takes so much out of me. It just feels so weird. I just want to be left alone.
I WANT TO RUN AWAY SOMEWHERE FOR LIKE 2 WEEKS AND JUST BE ALONE WITH YOUR MOM! I just want to get out of here. I hate looking at all the stuff in our empty home without you. I hate trying to think of things to do every day. I just want to go explore and see some beauty in this world. You were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen and that was taken from me. I don’t know what it is, but I just want to be with nature or something.
Workout, eat, read, write, watch tv, repeat…it’s like it is Groundhog Day every damn day. I’m getting restless.
I don’t have any more sadness left to give, but it’s totally inappropriate to go back to work right now. I’m like stuck in this limbo world. I’m such a busy body and need tasks to do. I don’t have that right now.
I called a friend today to talk work stuff. He was probably super confused what I was doing. I just had to do something normal.
THERE HAS TO BE A REASON FOR ALL OF THIS!!! I have no idea what it is, but I’ll find my way toward it eventually. I just want to fast forward a few months and figure out all the profound things I learned.
I’m ready to try for a sibling for you. You were so amazing and made me a Dad. I want to be a Dad in this world again so bad. I wish it was with you. No one will ever replace you, but I want that feeling back again. Your brother or sister will have SO MUCH to live up to following in your footsteps.
Your mom is super scared to even talk about a sibling right now. She is afraid that her body will let her down again. I’m not sure how to help her…I’d love it if you could talk to her and ease her mind? She needs to know that she didn’t fail you. You didn’t fail you. Nobody failed anyone.
I need to get to work on a meaningful project or something.
I love you.

Day 47: 4/30/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - Why does our solar system get such bad ratings? Because it only has one star.
Daily Scripture Theme: Encouragement always pays. My Thoughts - Be a giver. In this awful time of need for your mom and I…All I want to do is give for some reason. We’ve had such an outpouring of support and we are “sowing” right now. We’ve sowed too much. I don’t like to take from anyone EVER. It just feels weird and gross. Giving feels good and helpful. We are working hard on a project to give for you right now. (I need to post that message on Facebook about your charitable donation in your name). People need to know…I’ll do that today.
I will not be defined as the Dad who lost a daughter. Oh…there goes that poor guy over there they’ll say. He could have been great, but that tragedy was too much for him and his family to take. YOU WOULDN’T WANT THAT FOR US! We are a strong, feisty, and courageous family. Each day waking up and trying to do more is courageous. I have to keep going.
I’m getting so sick of all the condolences. It hurts so much each time. How can we help? Are we are invalids! If you could take what you took…then I can surely wake up and eat breakfast every day on my own.
The messages from your nurses hurt the most because they knew you best. It is heartbreaking for me to hear their kind words. They loved you so much (and rightfully so). You were a miracle. Our family was a miracle. I feel so bad for them as well. It must be gut wrenching to do what they do and watch families go through this process. It does give me a little solace knowing that we were clearly different than everyone else. They all told us that so many times. I guess that does take the sting away a little. We would have made an incredible and powerful family.
Did we do the right thing? I’m not doubting why we did what we did for you; however, selfishly we could have had you longer. Was that the right decision? I’ll never know and will always wonder. If we had waited, I’m sure I will have forever thought, “how could we let you stay in such pain and discomfort for our own selfishness.” What an impossible decision.
We are waking up too late in the mornings these days. Tomorrow, I’m going to WWED (What Would Emilia Do) and get back up at 6:30, read, write, Darren Daily, Workout, etc. I need to lock down this morning routine for when real life happens again and I’m ready to take all of this on.
Everyone at work knows now. Am I just the sad co-worker that lost a daughter? I know how I used to think about people like that before. It is always in the back of their minds when they speak to you. That is going to be so weird whenever I see everyone again.
I Love you

Day 48: 5/1/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - Did you hear the cyclops closed his school? He only had one pupil.
Daily Scripture Theme - No more negativity. My Thoughts - Negativity sucks. You have the choice to control how you respond to environmental stimuli. That is all on you. I can choose to be upset, mean, sad, depressed, ask why me / why us, etc. Every time my brain goes down the negativity route I intentionally think, “why would anyone want to feel this way?” That line of thinking helps me to stay positive, think in the present, focus on the future, find the lessons and silver linings from the past, and keep moving forward. It’s the Quinn “Never Quit” mindset at its finest. I often wonder if people think I’m just an idiot. I wonder how I’m perceived sometimes because of the way I live my life. I know if someone was like how I am all the time…I’d think they were delusional as well. The truth is that I haven’t ALWAYS been this way. I’ve always fought and never given up, but I did it kicking and screaming. Over time that mentality has merged with lessons of knowing how those negative response did nothing to help which has created this mindset. I don’t have time for negativity. I don’t mind getting frustrated for a hot second…I do that all the time and often find that a fun release. I don’t have time for long term negativity is a better way to put it.
I’m so worried about your Mom. Every morning I wake up to hearing her crying uncontrollably while holding your bear. Last night, she was sobbing in the shower so loudly that I felt compelled to come into the bathroom just to make sure she was okay. It is scary Emilia. I don’t know what to do. As I mentioned, I don’t have any place in my head for negativity. Negativity, sadness, depression, etc. take SO MUCH ENERGY. When your Mom does this, I have no idea how to react. My first initial thought is to try to help and talk her through her thoughts and emotions. That honestly ALWAYS makes things worse.
I need to really focus in on my “seek first to understand” and listening skills right now. I’m going to try and go the whole day without offering any suggestions or advice to her and see how that goes. Just so we’re clear…that is a HERCULEAN effort for me. I never shut up. Patience and listening are my 2 worst skills. Please help me on this one Emilia.
I really need to get out of this house and go on a trip. I was so looking forward to traveling with you and showing you the world. There is so much beauty out there that I wanted you to experience. It’s just so unfair that was taken from you before you had the chance to see anything outside of a stupid hospital room.
It’s your Aunt’s birthday today. You would have loved her…and your cousins. They were so excited to meet you. I was so excited to watch you show all of them up (minus Sarah). You would have been the favorite Grandchild by far if I had to guess.
I really miss doing the dad jokes in person with you every morning.
10:15…I got the morning routine finished by then. This needs to be completed by 8:30 before I go back to work. I’ll get there. Slow and steady.
I love you

Day 49: 5/2/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - Why don’t they play poker in Africa? Too many Cheetah’s
Daily Scripture Theme: A well balanced mind stays positive. My Thoughts - This is the #1 life lesson I was looking forward to teaching you…balance. Ironically, this has become my #1 focus right now during these past tumultuous 49 days since you suddenly arrived. It has been my only way to say sane and calm during these stressful times. Balance of mind, body, spirit, are essential to living a successful, happy, and productive life. If anything is out of balance, everything feels off. I’ve been out of balance before and it took me down some very dark paths and deep soul searching. I was so looking forward to helping to educate you in these areas, observe how you interpret this as you grew, and the lessons I could learn from watching you.
I don’t want to write today, I don’t want to work out, I don’t want to read and learn…I just want to be lazy and do nothing. I’m sore and tired. I’m already forgetting your never quit attitude. However, it is so easy to do get up and do something when I remember watching how you struggled and how hard you fought.
IT’S GORGEOUS OUT. The birds are chirping, the smell of cut grass is in the air, it’s 85 degrees in May. God, I wish you were here to experience this beauty and see it with your own eyes.
Watching all of the young families walk by our house with their babies in strollers while walking their dog really hurts. I saw a little girl running down sidewalk toward me while chasing a puppy. Her Mom was walking closely right behind her monitoring her every move. The little girl looked so effortlessly happy. It made me so sad that I wouldn’t ever get to see you act like that.
Today was a HUGE day…your Mom asked to go see your gravesite for the first time. I don’t know why it had never dawned on me to even visit up until this point since your funeral. I’ve never had a “grave to visit” in my life of such importance. It just never even occurred to me as that was a thing to do until she said that.
We got to your gravesite and pulled up near your headstone…it was surreal. It was so amazing to see you again, but all I could feel was anger for some reason.
Your Mom was sobbing and crying as she has been doing for weeks. I decided to walk around and look at the other infant graves in the children’s section where you are buried to keep my mind occupied. To my surprise I discovered most of these babies’ graves had only lived 1 day. You had 39…how the hell did this happen? I only found like 2 graves of babies that had lived longer than you in the whole infant circle.
I got more and more angry. Not at you, but at the situation overall. Why did we lose you? I started to question what the hell had even happened that lead to this point. The whole last week was still so confusing. How did we lose you? Why did this happen? Babies that make it as long as you had don’t die. You were incredibly strong. I just found myself getting more and more angry that I had to sit here and stare at your grave because you weren’t still with us.
God, I would give anything to be back in the NICU with you again.
I’m starting to doubt my decision that last day. If all roads led to me staring at a grave…why did I not let you continue trying even if it was hard for us to watch. Even if we were 99% sure that you wouldn’t make it; there was still that 1% chance that I’m not staring at your grave today. 1% is better than 0% which is what we choose. What was I thinking? I know we did the right thing, but it is hard to think that while we are staring at your grave.
I’m so glad we went and I will be back all the time. It felt nice to be near you again.
Your Mom said your Grandma told her she was planning to move to INDY last week before you passed…WHAT???? That is incredible news and I honestly can’t believe it.
We went back to our stupid lives without you, got take out, and watched a stupid Netflix show. Life really sucks sometimes.
I love you.

Day 50: 5/3/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
Daily Scripture Theme: Expect Favor. My Thoughts - “aggressively expect good things” is a quote from this theme. It is a great reminder that it is okay to ask for help, to win sometimes, to want the best for your family, etc. We are all going to come out of this okay. I’m not sure how this will all shake out, but I know that this was meant to be for some reason and that reason is good. What’s the point in spending all day thinking that only bad things can happen? That does no one any good. It is okay to be positive. A friend of mine sent me at text after you passed that still sticks with me today. They had sent condolences via a text. I had sent back a positive message about this isn’t a negative and we will come out of this stronger having the blessing of knowing you, etc. That is all very true in my head. They had responded that it is okay to hurt, and that I don’t have to come out of this as a superman. That quote has stuck in my head for a while now. Am I faking this? Am I hiding my true feelings? Am I not grieving right? These are questions to consider, but that doesn’t mean I can’t expect this to turn out to be a good thing at the end of the day. Of course, I know it is not…I would trade anything to have you here. I have to think that there is a reason for all of this and to keep fighting every day, being balanced, positive, expecting favor, etc. Otherwise I’ll crumble. I know that isn’t what they were advocating for and, to be honest, this really isn’t about their message at all. That message just struck a chord because I do wonder if I’m doing something wrong here with how I’m grieving…I don’t think I am.
Another beautiful day…these are really keeping me going. I swear if this was winter and we were going through this process stuck inside all day long…I would go crazy. Thank you, Quinn, for doing this for us.
BTW...I hate the smell of flowers. It is so overwhelming in our house right now. It makes me want to puke. I just want them out of here. It’s nice to know people care, but I’m really over it.
I HATE MAIL-TIME EVERY DAY. It is death by 1,000 paper cuts. When does this stop? We aren’t a charity case. Our daughter was the strongest human being I’ve ever seen…we don’t need any pity. I just want to be left alone for a while.
ALL DAY LONG…I see happy families walking by our house on the way to the park. Why can’t that be us?
Your mom cried in bed this morning for like 2 hours. I wish you were still here more than anything in this world.
I tried to get her to run with me…she did. She also cried the whole time because she was so mad at her body for being able to run, but not carry you all the way to a healthy and normal delivery. I can’t offer any alternative views to her anymore as she wants nothing to do with them. I’m so glad she is talking to a real therapist.
This is hard…I feel like we are just stuck in quicksand. Then I think of you and how hard you fought and this is nothing.
I love you.

Day 51: 5/4/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - Did you hear about the new automatic shovel? It’s a groundbreaking invention.
Daily Scripture Theme: Your trials are temporary. My Thoughts - “god uses trials and pressures to produce good results in our lives” …I was walking with your Mom on our “Emilia Walk” the other night, and we were talking about God. What if he isn’t real? What if he is? What if all of this doesn’t really matter? When bad things happen like us losing you, it really makes me wonder why God (if he is real) would do such a thing? As we were walking and looking at the beautiful spring weather, birds chirping, etc…I couldn’t help but to this there has to be a plan for all of this and an order somehow. Because of this, there has to be a God. We have no idea why things happen. Was this all bad…maybe? Was this good…maybe? I have no idea. What I do know is that my time with you forever changed me. I don’t know how that will ultimately manifest itself, but I have to think it is a positive and meant for good somehow. If I didn’t…what is the point?
I’m going to be positive all day today in my writing. It doesn’t do anyone any good to keep these negative thoughts going forward.
May the Fourth be with you baby girl…Lol. Hopefully they have Star Wars in heaven and you’ll get that joke.
Yesterday, after I read, wrote, worked out, did my morning routine, etc. I had nothing else to do, so I watched 2 WHOLE Netflix series. That’s insane, I should be a Dad right now. I was all set to dedicate all of my time to you and figure out how to bend my life around my new role. I was so excited for that and now it is gone. Writing time to you is the only time I get to be “Dad” these days. I don’t know how to fill that void in my life yet. I could dive back into work, focus on my own business, run a marathon, drink all day and watch Netflix, etc. Whatever I choose it won’t be what I truly want which is to be with you in the NICU, talking to your nurses, and being your Dad.
I miss you so much. I don’t want to replace you in anyway, but I can’t wait to regain my title as Dad again here soon. I always “wanted” children someday. It wasn’t until I met you that I wanted as many as we could have as you were so amazing…and now you’re gone. It hurts a lot.
Your Mother is struggling. I’ve never seen anyone in so much pain. This morning she woke up at 5 am and just started balling because she was dreaming of you dying on her chest. This happens many times a day. I have NO IDEA HOW TO HELP!! It hurts a lot to watch. I just want to do SOMETHING, and usually end of making it worse if I open my mouth. Her therapist said that people think that grief “passes over time”. She said that is wrong, it actually is like trying to stuff a pillow into a small jar. The pillow is grief and that never changes. The only thing that changes is the size of the jar over time. It makes it a little easier for grief to fit in your life. I hope that is the case as your Mom’s pillow is like 4 times the size of her jar right now.
I started my “August Book” yesterday. You would love this one, it is called the “Go Giver”. It is all about making giving your mission and good things come back to you. It is really good so far and I’m glad my boss recommended it. It reminds me a lot of you. You did nothing but give your entire short life. You gave everything you had. That courage and love you showed was so impactful to everyone that knew you and your light will live on through that gift that you gave to the world. I know for sure that you are and will always be my role model. I can’t wait to tell everyone about you and your journey the rest of my life in this world.
I love you

Day 52: 5/5/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What do you get when you cross a cow with a shark? I don’t know but I wouldn’t want to milk it.
Daily Scripture Theme - Let go of the past and look toward your future. My Thoughts: “It is useless to worry about anything and doubly useless to worry about something over and done with and that nothing can be done about it”. "God has given us wisdom, and a wise person won’t spend time doing something of no value”. This is a really tough concept for me to remember recently. It is such a valuable lesson to remember that we can’t change the past and it does no good to dwell on it. We also must learn from the past; so at the same time so you can’t forget it. I’m struggling to move on from the past and look to the future right now. You were my new calling and I don’t really want a future without you or without being a Dad. That is a tough one to swallow. I know it does no good, but it makes me not want to look to the future as I have no idea if that will ever be in the cards again. God has a plan and I understand that. In this case, it is really hard for me to accept that plan as I did what I thought was all the right things. I gave, I prayed, I thanked, I trusted, I was patient, I was calm, and it didn’t work out. I will continue to “look to the future”, I just wish that future was with you in it here with us more than anything in the world.
Cinco de Mayo is today. I forget sometimes that you would be 50% Hispanic. This would have been a great day to teach you a little about your culture. I’m sure you would have been inundated with Mexican Cuisine and cooking tips every trip to and from Texas to see your Mom’s family. That would have been amazing to watch. Don’t forget that you are 50% Italian and German as well. We Italians also have a pretty damn good culture and cuisine as well :).
You’d be so proud of me…as of this writing it is 7:30 am and I’ve already done my daily mentoring lessons, read 45 minutes, prayed and reflected on the scripture and started writing for the day. My goal is to get all of this down to an art to be done before 7:30 so I can head off to work knowing that I’m starting the day off with habits that will compound into exponential growth over time. I’ll keep trying to nail down this routine as we go. This is a part of the motivation and inspiration I’ve gotten from you. This is being proactive and doing the things we hate the most every day to better ourselves. If you can endure what you did…then I certainly can get up, pray, read, write, and reflect each day. The physical workouts will come during the day. I wish that physical workout was playing tennis with you or running with you in your stroller. That would have been so much fun.
Your Mom and I spoke at length last night about my feelings really for the first time. I was feeling a void missing in me that I wanted to express. After a while of talking, it dawned on me an analogy that made so much sense losing you. It feels like I’ve waited patiently working hard at my job for 5+ years for that big promotion. That promotion that would put me into a new club, that would allow me to grow so much personally and professionally, to lead people to success, to mentor and coach, etc. I got that promotion and loved every minute of it. Then, all the sudden, a little over a month later the company went completely under and I lost it. Not only did I lose it…but I’ll never have a position like it again. I may get a chance to lead, but not at that company and with those people I loved so much. That promotion to me was being a Dad for the first time. I had waited so long and you were everything I had ever imagined. I’ll never have that opportunity to be a first-time Dad again. I don’t want to be a first-time dad again. No future child will ever compare to that feeling. Sadly, we only go to experience that for just a few short weeks. Next time we are blessed to get you a sibling…it won’t be the same. I’ll be with a new company, much wiser and better equipped for what is to come…but just not the same. I’ll love my job again, but it won’t ever be the same as that FIRST promotion into a leadership role at the first company you had worked so hard to achieve.
My daily mentoring video today couldn’t have been more spot on with its message. It was about the story of Glenn Cunningham who was an Olympic mile running champion. Glenn was badly burned as a child and almost died. He was told he’d never walk again. He worked tirelessly for 3 years in a grueling recovery process before discovering that running was easier to him than the grueling walks he was taking. He ran everywhere and became a champion. He went on to write a book and live by the motto of (you guessed it)… “Never Quit”. That was his secret…don’t ever quit. That is you…you were incredible. I will never forget watching your never quit on your battle. It’s burned into my mind for forever.
I love you.

Day 53: 5/6/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - What state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota.
Daily Scripture Theme - You’re never too old to grow in your thinking. My Thoughts - The passage says it take the human mind 18 years to grow and a lifetime to mature. We are always evolving, growing, and can train our minds to control our responses and actions. That is what I’m trying to do right now with our new normal. However, it is really hard to train for positivity in the most negative situation I can personally ever imagine. I do know that it is possible and won’t quit trying…but it sucks.
This is changing today…2 weeks ago I was a working Dad. Running to and from meetings, in and out of the NICU all day, updating the world on you progress, taking care of myself, etc. I was beyond busy. If I only had 30 minutes to work out…I worked out and got it done. Now I have nothing but time and can’t seem to find the motivation to do ANYTHING of value. My days are consisting of reading, writing, working out, taking a walk with your mom and then watching Netflix the rest of the day. My life is SO BORING!!!! I want to give, to help, to work on house projects, yard work, etc. I just can’t seem to find the motivation because I have nothing really to work for anymore. This changes today. Just as the scripture theme says…I have the power to control my mind and actions. I’m going to do that today.
It’s incredible outside again and that makes life a WHOLE lot easier. Thank you, sweet Emilia.
Saying Thank you. Sometimes the world and God work in such mysterious ways. I’ve been STRUGGLING a lot with saying Thank You recently. I’ve always struggled with accepting help as I do want to be a burden on other people. That feeling is even more extreme right now due to our circumstances. My new book I’m reading, called the Go Giver, is about living your life by the laws of giving if you want to add value to others’ lives and be fulfilled. Then, this morning, my daily mentoring video was about hoarding “Ego Chips” and not giving them out by saying “Thank You” and I’m Sorry” enough. Finally, the scripture reading was about growing and evolving in your thinking…I GET IT. I’m going to say THANK YOU TO EVERYONE TODAY that I can.
We have so many people to say Thank You to today. I’m starting with you…my little princess. Thank you for all the joy, love, and courage you bestowed on us. You showed me true love and the power of being a father. I will never forget any of that. We also have to thank so many people for the showering of support we’ve received these last few weeks. I’ve tried to keep up with responding, but it had become incredibly hard and painful to say something nice when I just wanted to be left alone. No more. We finally need to finish our project to give back to your nurses…no more delay. We’ve raised the money…it needs to happen and happen fast. Thank you is the theme for the day.
THANK YOU, MY SWEET ANGEL.
I love you

Day 54: 5/7/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - what’s red and smells like blue pain? Red Paint
Daily Scripture Theme: Get over Guilt. My Thoughts - I feel really guilty Quinn. I feel really guilty that I took your chance of fighting away from you 2 weeks ago. I feel guilty knowing that the strongest fighter I’ve ever known, I took out of the game. I told you and your Mom, a few days prior to our decision, that I felt like a sports parent while watching you in the NICU. I literally was watching you fail every day. As a parent, the only thing that you can do is let it happen so your kids can learn, get bigger, stronger, and better. Watching your child fail is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I swore to you that I wouldn’t take you out of the game and that I’d let you make that call on your own. When I saw it was clear that you would never quit, the odds were so stacked against you, how much pain you were in, and the thought of each compounding minute and hour of suffering…I had to do it. I knew that I’d feel guilty about this the rest of my life. Your Mom and I talked about it at length. I still can’t believe I made that call. I know it was the right thing to do (probably), but that doesn’t change the hurt and the guilt I feel. I’m sorry Quinn and God. That’s what this scripture was about. Pray for forgiveness and leave the guilt in the past. I’m praying to you and God to forgive me. I’m truly sorry for what I did. I’m truly sorry that the scenario in which I had to decide existed at all. Please forgive me Quinn. I hope you know I believed that you would pull through which is why I feel so guilty. I just didn’t want you to see the irreparable damage you would have caused yourself as you pushed to make that happen.
3 Things I’m grateful for about you. Your beautiful eyes - the day that you opened them was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. How many people get to be the first thing that their daughter sees in this world? Your incredible fight and courage - I’ve never seen anyone battle as much as you did. You are an inspiration to so many…and me in particular. How you made your Mom feel when you 2 kangarooed, there was something magical and mesmerizing watching you 2 be together. It was like you were both “home”. You made each other (and everyone else) around you better people.
Your Mom had her post partem appointment today at her doctor. Someone asked her what she had as they didn’t even know you were born and obviously no longer with us. I can’t imagine what that appointment must have been like. You are still supposed to be in your Mother’s belly. WE STILL HAVE 2 MONTHS LEFT TO GO!!! How the hell did this even happen? The doctor said there is still no explanation as to what happened in your Mother’s body. I’ve stopped asking why at this point as it is a fruitless effort. Your mother, on the other hand, asks herself this all day, every day. I had to sit with her as she uncontrollable cried after her appointment and explained the situation to me. For the first time I think since we lost you, I was actually able to not say anything (which is incredibly tough for me as I always want to help). Listening is all I can do, I can’t imagine what she is going through. Nothing I can do beyond listening can even make a dent in her pain.
I was playing tennis with a friend today who I hadn’t seen in a while and had to explain to him what had happened to you. He and his wife are going through their own trials and tribulations as well unfortunately. At the end of our talk, he said “I’ll say the same thing that everyone says to us…I’m so sorry and let me know if I can help with anything.” That made us both laugh a little. It is so true, people naturally always offer to “help”…but what does that mean? Do you really think I’m just going to start rattling off all the things I need help with and you can pick something off the list? It doesn’t work that way for either side. One thing I know for the rest of my life, I’ll never say that to someone in a difficult situation again as it is beyond insensitive. If you want to help…just do. If you don’t…just say something kind and let them know you are thinking and praying for them.
Ozark is a pretty good show. I really dig it.
I finished my latest book today (The Go Giver). It was a short and awesome read. You would have loved it. Such a great way to philosophy to model your life after. Not sure what I’m going to start tomorrow, but I have a lot of options already picked out.
I love you.

Day 55: 5/8/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye, Matey!
Daily Scripture Theme: The Battle for Truth. My Thoughts - Choosing to own your relationship with God has been a challenge for me over the years. The passage talks a lot about children going through life standing on the faith of their parents and then ultimately having to find their own path as adults. I’m not going to lie, my journey to this spot, post childhood, has been a long and winding path. I’m still nowhere near where I probably need to be in terms of blind faith and belief that all thing are ultimately through God. However, I’m finally at least past 50% of the way there. As I’ve grown older and seen what being “on my own” has done to my body, mind, and how hard I had to fight as a mere human to understand and improve on my own. I’ve slowly grown back closer to God. Your birth and fight for life that followed has really thrust that return to God into overdrive. I’ve never been this connected to thoughts and being outside of my own in the past. I’ve also never been this calm, strong, and able to process what is going on as easily either in my life. All of my trials in the past and “self-learning” have led to this. Also, turning to God has made it a lot easier on myself and helped with the feeling of not having to do this alone. I don’t think I’m there yet. I’d love to be in a place where I 1000% agree with my thoughts and don’t question my faith; however, I’m at least 50% of the way back and not doing it alone this time. I’ve always believed in God, but this is the first time in my adult life that I’m actively choosing and accepting his help every day. That’s a lot of progress.
I’m waking up to late again…I can’t let myself slip from the routines and habits which are ultimately how I’m going to pull myself out of this. I HAVE TO BE PROACTIVE. Please help me Quinn…don’t let me slip.
Mother’s Day is coming up on Sunday. I’m so scared and nervous about this one. God…I wish you were here for it! It would have been so amazing with you here…at least for this first one as it was so close to your birthdate. I’ve gotten your Mom some cool gifts I’m excited to show her. Deep down I know that they all don’t really matter at all. Material things really mean nothing at this point in our lives. Sadly, all we have is material things and memories left from our time with you. That really hurts to even write that. It’s only been a few weeks and it feels like YEARS already. Time is moving so incredibly slowly. I don’t know why and can’t quit figure it out. Each day, I’m inventing things to do when I this should be the most hectic time of my life…it’s like we are living in an alternate universe.
My daily mentoring video talked about how Mothers have an unbelievable ability to inspire greatness in their children. It said to write down one thing my Mom made me believe in about myself that inspired me. I couldn’t help but to think about you and your Mom instead. She inspired you with the calm and peace at the end in order to ultimately let you feel comfortable to give up your fight. It was the most selfless act I’ve ever (and will ever) see in my life. She gave you the strength to end your fight, and you did it together. It makes me want to cry, be inspired, and puke all at the same time thinking about it. What a miracle you are and that was to witness. You two are the most amazing women I’ll ever know (My mom being a close 3rd and Grandma being a close 4th).
I had my first conversation with my “therapist” today. I never thought I’d need a therapist as I’ve always been good at asking questions and seeking answers through my own networks and methods. However, it was surprisingly helpful. It was nice to just talk to someone about all this who was there fully focused on helping just me (even if they are only there because you paid them). I can’t expect your Mother to help me. I don’t want it to be honest. I can’t expect my family or friends to help me either beyond just being “there” for me and knowing I have support. For the first time, I was able to talk to someone about how I’m processing losing you and I didn’t have to worry about them. It was pretty nice. Ironically, she had lost child at birth as well and had another child in the NICU for 47 days. She knows what she is talking about. I’m looking forward to continuing those conversations. One of the things we talked a lot about was the comments my friend made about not having to be a superhero and how that still really frustrates me and I don’t know why. A part of me knows deep down he’s right, but I told my therapist that I’m not trying to be a superhero because I want to be…I’m acting like this and trying to be my best self and strong because YOU wouldn’t have it any other way. You are my hero, and this is how you would act. I’m not going to be a little whiner about all of this because that’s not how my hero would act. Thank you for showing me a better path.
Step 1 of the Emilia give back project to your doctors and nurses on 4 West in the NICU was completed today as well. We were able to donate the first $5,000 to the NICU in your honor and more is on the way. Thank you so much for being so amazing. There were so many people that wanted to help that have never even met you. You were that incredible and strong. I will make sure that nobody ever forgets your name.
I love you

Day 56: 5/9/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in Mexico? Just Juan
Daily Scripture Theme: Don’t let dread get ahold of you. My Thoughts - do the things you hate the most first. I’ve had that motto for years. The stuff I dread has to be tackled first and then you are free the rest of the day to do whatever your heart and mind desires guilt free. Also, dread is a good thing...if we didn’t have dread and stuff we didn’t want to do than we probably wouldn’t exist. Dreading something may be an opportunity to turn that into a positive that we even have the opportunity to be alive to dread something. Don’t forget that.
I have to really think about those words “I love you” that I write at the beginning and end of every entry. It can’t just become another habit or routine. I need to stop and think about it…not just write it and move on. You aren’t someone that I can “make another habit”. You’re my daughter and deserve way more than that. I miss you so much. I hate that my life is getting more routine again. I miss the chaos of the NICU and being with you.
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I’m so stressed out about this. We would give anything to have you here, but sadly that is not the case. I can already sense that your Mom is going to be crushed tomorrow. Your Grandma came over tonight to drop off some food. They were talking about tomorrow and your mom just broke down in tears. It is crushing to see. A part of me is so sad that Mother’s Day has to be so close to when we lost you. Another part of me is happy that we didn’t have to wait almost a whole year later to celebrate your Mom for the amazing Mother she is and deserves to be. It is going to be a crazy day tomorrow. Please help us get through this Emilia. Give me the strength to be strong and honor your Mother the way she deserves.
Speaking of Mother’s Day, the artists that were going to make your mural in your nursery of a pride of Lion’s turned it quickly into a painting that I’m going to surprise your Mom with tomorrow. I can’t wait to show her. I wish so badly you could see it as well someday. You were my baby Lioness. So strong and would have been an amazing leader. God, I wish you were still here with us. Why do we have to live out our lives “honoring” your memory with material crap when all we really want is you.
I love you so much.

Day 57: 5/10/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel easily.
Daily Scripture Theme: Putting Smiles on Faces. My Thoughts - This is a TOUGH one to hear today. Giving back to the world, helping others, etc. while you are hurting and need help yourself is very hard to comprehend. Wanting to put others in front of your own pain, and "put on a happy face” to intentionally add value to someone else feels like a really mean thing to task of us at this point. However, it is Mother’s Day and I will do my best to honor and help your Mother and your Grandma to make sure they feel loved and appreciated.
Mother’s Day - The first one. Speaking bluntly, that was a very shitty day all around. Normally I try and look at the positive side of things, but a celebration of motherhood without you so soon just feels cruel. It feels cruel to your Mom, and to a certain extent myself as well.
We’d give anything to have you back here with us today. We went and visited your grave and I watched your Mom cry for hours. We talked about how cruel all this is. Our lives before you were pretty great, but we realized that they were meaningless without you. Now that we’ve had you in our lives and lost the only job that has ever really meant anything…this hurts A LOT. I’m honestly not really even sure I have any words to describe how crappy today was from the moment we woke up until it finally ended.
Call it jealousy or whatever you want…seeing everyone celebrate their Moms today, announce pregnancies, talk about their newborns, etc. just feels like a slap in the face. I never cared about stuff like that before. I’d just focus on your Grandma and Great Grandma’s and tell them how important they are on a day like today. I still do that, but something feels way off today. This doesn’t feel like a day of celebration anymore. I don’t want to hear about how amazing everyone’s kids / Moms are. Your amazing Mother would have been the best Mother of them all. She couldn’t ever even get to feel normal once throughout the most basic and fundamental process of life. This is all so wrong.
We saw your cousins and your Grandparents today. It was nice to be around family. However, seeing all the photos in your Grandparent’s house of their other Grandchildren, seeing them interact with each other, etc. was especially hard. This is the first time since you were born, due to the coronavirus stuff, that I’ve really even been able to hang out at your Grandparent’s house at all. Knowing that your Grandma and Grandpa will never REALLY know you or have their own memories hurts even more. It feels like you never really existed to them. I don’t blame them at all as they never really had a chance to hang with you due to the visitation restrictions…it just hurts to see.
I also discovered that I’m really not ready to “socialize” yet. All topics just feel meaningless and empty. I just don’t really care. I try to, I listen, but I just don’t care. It is really hard to care about every day topics when something so beautiful and tragic just happened in front of you for the past 50+ days.
I feel so bad for your Mom. This day was like torture to her.
Why are you not with us? How were we all doomed to be “blessed” by unique circumstances that took you. While having you with us at all was a miracle, all we wanted was to be normal. Why did we have to be the “special” family?
Will I ever be able to love your future siblings as much as you?
Are you even still a parent if you have no one to actually parent? I don’t feel like a parent at all today for sure.
I love you

Day 58: 5/11/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Did you hear about the guy that killed a man with sandpaper? He only wanted to rough him up.
Daily Scripture Theme: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. My Thoughts - It is amazing to me how bad I was at getting pissed at the dumbest stuff before you came along and we went on the journey we had the past 57 days. I’m ashamed at the way I acted and behaved all the time in retrospect. Getting so frustrated at the littlest inconveniences that would seemingly derail my entire day and that I’d allow to frustrate me. EVERYTHING feels so trivial compared to what our family has gone through since your birth. I almost feel so ashamed even think about it as I write this. I’d give anything to be pissed off having to go the NICU right now. Having to wake up to feed you or change a diaper, to be quarantined with you and have to teach you our self, to have to run for diapers at midnight, etc. People suck sometimes and are just so selfish and self-involved.
Today was your great aunt Jill’s 50th Birthday. I went over to her house and was hanging with your family. I’ll tell you what…that is 2 days in a row with people again and socially interacting. IT ALL FEEL SO TRIVIAL AND STUPID. I don’t want to really talk about anything but you. It also feels so inappropriate to talk about you and everything we are going through when we are supposed to be celebrating. It really is a difficult thing to navigate. The only way you can learn something again is just doing it. That’s an important tip I’d definitely coach you on as you grew up. At a certain point in time, just thinking about something, dreading it, etc. is way worse than doing it. It is going to be really hard to go back to work someday soon and have to navigate these conversations. Getting the first few out of the way and just ripping the Band-Aid off is important now. I really hate it, but you have to do the things you hate sometimes unfortunately. You don’t have to do it with negativity either…remember…don’t sweat the small stuff.
Quick observation, DON’T EVER TRY TO EMPATHIZE WITH A TRAGEDY UNLESS YOU’VE LITERALLY EXPERIENCED THE SAME THING! Losing a Mother, Sister, Grandma, dog, etc. is not the same thing as losing your infant child that you had a life and death battle every day in the NICU. It is not the same thing and it makes people sound like idiots trying to empathize. I will NEVER do that ever again. Unless you REALLY know what is going on, just say there are no words and just know that we are thinking and praying for you and your family. Also, don’t ask if we need anything. The last thing I’m going to do is reach out to someone who offers “help”. If you want to help…help. If not, don’t make a token gesture. It just feels wrong to put that on someone grieving. These are some important life tips for you Emilia. Always remember to first seek to understand and then be understood. Listen first or don’t talk unless you know you can add value.
I changed your 5:16 song from “Alive” to “Lullaby” by the Dixie Chicks. What are your thoughts? “Alive” brought so many visceral and powerful emotions to me; it felt that they were expressing the wrong emotion at this point of the journey. To me, “Alive” represented the fighting emotion that you portrayed. I thought pensive, reflective and sweet would be more appropriate which is why I went with “Lullaby”. It just feels off though. Part of it is because I want to remember you as a fighter, the strong, courageous, and defiant little girl that you are. All those things are still true, but the song is literally about still breathing and being alive. They both don’t fully bring out the essence of how I want to think of you each day. I think I’ll keep searching for the right song to remember you by daily…TBD.
I love you.

Day 59: 5/12/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: How do prisoners call each other? Cell Phones
Daily Scripture Theme: Follow God’s Law, Not Murphy’s. My Thoughts - Murphy’s law is a negative mindset. God’s law is hope and promise for the future. If you seek out negativity you will find it. If you seek hope, happiness, faith, etc... you will find it. Who knows if one is better than the other, which is ultimately right, or if either even are. However, I know that I enjoy the day more when I’m seeking positive things to happen and being proactive vs. waiting on the negativity to occur and being reactive. I can control my own path with one and not the other. I choose control and positivity.
I can’t believe it has been 20 days since you’ve left us. 20 DAYS!!! How is that even possible? You were with us for only 39 days and now over half of that time has already passed without you. The 39 days felt like 5, and the 20 Days feels like forever. We are STILL 62 days out from your original due date. This has got to be some weird alternate universe.
We’re starting to build your memorial today in what would have been your nursery. Again…alternate universe. Ironically, your Mom and I fought a ton over your nursery. It is my office (where I’m writing this now). I loved my office and didn’t want to leave it / give it up. I offered up the other guest bedroom and your Mom wouldn’t have it. We fought about it for a while until I finally relented and was ready to give you my favorite room. It all seems so trivial now. I’d give you my life to have you alive right now. This goes back to the scripture theme from the past few days of don’t sweat the small things. I can’t believe our life was so trivial and good that we were fighting over what room in our awesome house that we had to turn into a nursery for our beautiful daughter. It’s almost laughable given what we’ve learned is really important in life the past few months.
You would have LOVED your nursery. First off, the room is perfect and the windows are the best. Second, I had such awesome plans for it that. We were starting to work on after you were born. You got here so fast that we never really got a chance to start in on it before you arrived. I thought we still had SOOOOOO much more time…clearly you had other ideas. Lesson learned…you’re the boss and always will be.
Man, I feel so sorry for your future siblings having to live up to your legacy. You made such an impact that I’m writing a book for you and joining charities and stuff…Lol. They are really screwed. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to love a child as much as we loved / love you. I hate to say that, but we all know it is true.
I love you

Day 60: 5/13/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: how do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue
Daily Scripture Theme: Your Mission from God. My Thoughts - this was all about living boldly and trying new things. Don’t teach our children to be careful. Inspire them to try and be their best. Lead by example and encourage curiosity. You can’t grow unless you try. I was so excited to live this mission with you. We would have changed the world together here. Instead...we have to figure out how to do this separately in different worlds. The fundamentals are still the same though Emilia. Don’t be afraid to try some crazy things in heaven and be really curious. There was so much I didn’t get to teach you or learn from you here on Earth. I will make sure I try to do it for both of us in this world.
I got kind of mad today thinking about your last few weeks. I know that not looking back and re-living the past is a non-helpful endeavor; however, I couldn’t help but think about HOW DID THAT LAST SURGERY HAPPEN??? I was there for everything, we asked 5,000 questions, and the most important thing that happened to you was portrayed to us as trivial and not a big deal. God, I wish I would have been there for that consultation. I’m not blaming your Mom for anything, but I wish I was there as well to talk to Dr. Rescorla and figure out what the game plan was and set some restrictions with him. If I would have known that there was ANY chance of another large procedure, I would of at the very least told him he can’t proceed unless we give further consent and have a conversation. We were all so careful, the one time we all slipped up this happened. Part of me wants to sue so they learn that you can’t just operate and keep going beyond what was approved without additional consent. I know I’ll never do that, but it just made me so angry today for some reason thinking about how all this ended. The worst part for me was that I wasn’t even really a part of it at all. It makes me want to puke.
For the first time in weeks I watched some of the old videos I took of you. God you were so adorable. I just started crying because I miss you so much. I’ve been avoiding looking at videos and photos for a while now for some reason. I guess it is because I’m not sure what my goal would be right now in doing that? It hurts not having you so much. Why would I want to subject myself to that kind of mindset? I get it now why your Mom is crying every morning looking at photos. I can’t look at you without thinking about how amazing you are and what we lost at the same time. It really just sucks.
Goodnight my sweet princess.
I love you

Day 61: 5/14/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: How do you know there is an elephant in the refrigerator? You can’t shut the door
Daily Scripture Theme: What Does the Future Hold? My Thoughts: This was all about worrying about the future and realizing you are “never” really able to go through a future future tragedy based on what you know today. The truth is God is there with us to give us the courage and strength to make it through. Going through what we are experiencing RIGHT NOW has given me a perspective that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I never in a million years thought that I’d be going through the death of a child at this stage in my life. I don’t know many people that can process that pain and grief and still function. People keep telling me they are amazed at my strength and courage. The only 2 things that get me through this is God’s vision and your strength / courage. Everything I’m able to do right now is only because of me wanting to make you proud. You made such an impact on me that I can’t let you down. As far as the future, nothing really scares me at this point. If I can get through all of this…I can get through basically anything with the strength of you and God behind me. Your Mom and I were ironically talking about this topic recently. I used to really fear a lot of things…the death of a loved one in particular. Knowing what I know now, I don’t fear the death of my parents. I’m so joyful in the time that I get with them and being able to know them in the past and present. I’m no longer afraid of the future and being without them, they’ll always be with me no matter what and they’ve lived such amazing lives with so much more to come. For all things personal and what that future holds, well take on those challenges as they come. In the meantime, I’ll enjoy the people in my life and take it day by day.
The “business of death” is really gross. I have no idea how people do it really? How can you use a time as sensitive as the death of a loved one as a way to make money? Death is not a transaction to be upsold on packages. Who the hell goes to work in an industry like that anyway? How do they go home and sleep at night? Yes!!!!…I just made a huge sale on a new grave site and headstone upsell!!! It is literally praying on people at their most vulnerable times. Are people really going to say no? Are they going to price shop multiple cemeteries and funeral homes to get the best deal? Are they really going to look their wife in the eye and say let’s go for the cheapest option for our dead infant daughter? Do they even have another option? It makes me want to puke. How is there not a free public option for people to cover burial and funeral costs if they’d like it. Someone, with a heart, should really re-think the business of death and how it all works from funeral to burial.
I don’t feel that bad today. I’m scared that means that I’m forgetting you, but I’m also grateful to feel a little more “normal” …whatever that means.
NETFLIX IS THE WORST!!! It is damn near like an addictive drug. How do people go through life not working at all???
I love you!

Day 62: 5/15/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What do snowmen do in their spare time? They’re just chillin
Daily Scripture Theme: Get up and do your part. My Thoughts - It’s Time Quinn. God created us to work. Work 6 Days and Rest on the Seventh. I’ve been slowly building back to this point the past few weeks, but it is time. It is time to serve, to work, to get back to doing what makes me happy in life. You wouldn’t want to see your father sitting around watching Netflix all day feeling sorry for himself. The past few weeks I’ve done a good job of keeping healthy daily habits, but they only last me for a few hours. Read, Write, Spirituality, Think, and Physical Exercise. I’ve gotten that down to 2-3 hours a day and then I’m left wondering…what do I do now? I’m not working so I can help your Mom…plus I REALLY don’t think going back to my job is the right thing right now. What I need to WORK on is my business plan, myself, and service projects. I need to help others right now while I have the time to do it, and also prepare myself for future success with my own company when the timing is better out of this coronavirus.
You’re 2 months old today!!!! Congratulations baby girl. It’s crazy to think you’d still be almost 2 months from being full term as well. If only we could have made it to week 32 BEFORE you were born…then I’m SURE you would never have had a single issue ever. 32 weeks. That seemed like forever away the day you were born.
I wonder how big you’d be today? 1,500 grams? A ton of hair? You were such a beautiful little baby. I can’t even imagine how much more beautiful you’d become. You’d definitely be off your ventilator by now and drinking a full bottle of milk a day if I had to guess. I wish we could have seen those milestones happen in person. We miss you so much.
I love you

Day 63: 5/16/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Did you hear the news about the corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines
Daily Scripture Theme: See the Big Picture. My Thoughts - High level recap, when you only focus on the negative of a situation...that is all you’ll see. Couldn’t agree more. If we wanted too, there is nothing but negativity to focus on with us losing you. I could say that 5 years of trying for a child failed, I could say that we lost the most precious person I’ve ever known, I could say that your Mom can’t get out of bed every day and cries all day long, I could say that Dr. Rescorla basically killed you with an unnecessary surgery, etc. I could literally write that list for days if I wanted. However, I choose to look at the bigger picture and believe that God has a plan. I could say that your life and passing has helped so many nurses and doctors through charitable donations, I could say that you literally make me smile every time I see a photo or video of you, I could say that I got to meet my role model and spend 39 amazing days together, I got to be a parent to the most special child in the world, I can’t wait to have more children where at one point in my life I doubted I’d ever even want one, I found a true calling as a parent, etc. The lists of positive impacts you’ve made on our lives is immeasurable. Just spending some time reflecting on that can truly change another dark and crappy morning without you into a reason to get up and try. Thank you for being so amazing.
A mentor once told me a story that personifies what I was writing about above. I wanted to share it with you as well. An old man, who owned a horse farm, had a prized horse run off one day. All the neighbors came by and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss, you must be devasted to lose your best horse”. The farmer said...”maybe”. A few days later, the prized horse returned with 6 other wild horses that it had met during its time away and had brought back with it. The neighbors all came again and said, “what great fortune and that it’s incredible”. The Farmer again said...”maybe”. The next day, the farmer’s son fell off one of the wild horses while trying to tame it and badly broke his leg. The neighbors again came and said, “that’s terrible news about your son, we feel so bad for you”. The farmer again said...”maybe”. A week later, the army came to town to draft all the young soldiers in the village for an impending war. The farmer’s son was saved due to the broken leg. The neighbors rejoiced in their good fortune. The farmer again said...” maybe”. The point of this story is that we have no idea why something happens and whether or not it is a good or a bad thing. Stuff just happens. God is the only one who can see and understand the plan. You have no idea what each event puts into motion for the future. I have no idea if I’ll somehow go on and do some incredibly good or start my own company that changes the world and all stemmed from losing you and how you’ve inspired me. I also don’t know if my whole life will derail and I end up homeless, begging, and divorced on some street corner by myself. Who knows what impact you’re already having in heaven alongside the God and the rest of humanity? I’m sure that you would have had a special impact in this world...what’s different about heaven? Point is...nobody really knows. Just live your life in the present each day. Take the good with the bad as you never really know what any of it will lead to.
I love you

Day 64: 5/17/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Why don’t they play poker in Africa? Too many cheetahs.
Daily Scripture Theme: Embrace Change with Faith. My Thoughts - Change sucks. I used to think I enjoyed change when I was young warthog. That was a philosophy everyone always told me was really valuable and I embraced the IDEA. However, as I got older, I learned that I was lying to myself. The truth is that I discovered that I actually HATE change. That doesn’t mean that I can’t embrace it head on though. I can definitely get stuck in my ways and habits where change can feel like it is screwing with my entire universe. For instance…I love my office and when your Mom told me that my office would be your nursery…I fought, kicked, and screamed. That is until I accepted it and then was ready to go all in. That’s typically how I operate, I’ll vigorously fight change for a brief while. Then, after a short time passes…I’ll accept it, embrace it, and incorporate it whole heartedly into my life going forward. The process of change can be exhausting; however, magic happens once you’ve added something new to your world. That is how we felt with you. You were the ultimate CHANGE. You were thrust upon this world way before we were ready and in some of the most challenging of circumstances. You, your Mom, and I not only embraced the change but we ROCKED it out. We were such an amazing and powerful family / team in such a short period of time. My biggest regret in life will be not being able to see what this dream team could have accomplished together over a lifetime.
I’m doing a lot better this past week Quinn!!! You’d be so proud of me. I don’t really even know what “doing better” means. All I know is that I don’t feel like doo doo anymore, which can’t be a bad thing. I’ve been lightly socializing with family and friends, working out every day, playing tennis again, reading and writing every day, and doing a ton of projects around the house. Most importantly... I just miss you in a good way and no longer in a sad way. I’m not totally even sure what I mean by that. All I know is that I don’t feel devastated and detached from the world anymore. That has to be a good thing?
On the other side of the house, it feels like your Mom is getting worse and worse every day. I’m really starting to worry about her physical health. I’d love it if you could talk to her and let her know that you are okay and that everything will be okay? I know that is asking a lot out of you, but I know that I can’t help her at all.
I’ve been working really hard on creating a memorial space for you in the house with your Mom the past few weeks. It is starting to look really good and I’m excited to have a dedicated place for your belongings in the house that you never got a chance to live in. We are at the point where it is time to start unpacking your things from the NICU and placing them where they will stay going forward. Your Mom is NOT ready for that yet apparently. I moved ONE ITEM yesterday and your Mother freaked out and just lost it. She couldn’t bear the thought of actually moving the stuff from the kitchen table to the memorial we’ve been working to build for weeks now. It kind of blew me away. She had a full-on meltdown. She can’t stand the thought of moving on from the day you died. Any movement forward is like a personal affront to her being. I honestly have no idea how to rationalize this in my head. If your things are on the kitchen table and we never move them…than they are technically in their final resting place where they are now? She’s okay with them staying there…but not actually moving them to anywhere else because it is moving you to your final destination in her mind. It is so hard to try and figure out how to help her at this point. Nothing I do or say, or don’t do or say, adds any value at all in her mind. She’s lost in her own world of sadness and depression. I don’t understand it at all.
I wish I could help your Mom. I just have to wait, watch, listen, and be patient (all the things I’m awful at btw). Patience is the hardest thing in the world for me. It is my kryptonite. I’m sure you would have learned this very fast…lol. However, I’m trying to get better at this and working on it. Dealing with your Mother and her incredible sadness right now will be another giant test for me. Please give me strength.
I love you

Day 65: 5/18/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What Kind of Teacher Never farts in Public? A private tutor
Daily Scripture Theme: Your Plans or God’s Plans. My Thoughts - I struggle with this concept of wait and trust for God’s plan to develop. I’m okay with the trusting part; however, the waiting part seems off to me. If you want something, you have to ACT. You can’t sit back and just let God drop things in your lap when the time is right. Making a step forward each day in some way is what matters and God will guide that path toward his plan. I do trust that is the truth. I guess patience is a better way to say this in my mind vs. the waiting portion of the message. Maybe she is thinking, patience combined with faith and trust is the path forward. You have to wait for the plan to unfold throughout your life while working hard each day and moving forward with what you can see now. Staying present with your faith and patient for the future is the message here it seems. That I can get behind.
Your Great Aunt Sandy NAILED how to “give” a message to a grieving person that I will remember forever. She simply sent a text that said “Give your Mom a hug for me today”. That is exactly what is needed. Don’t ask me how I’m feeling, how can they help, say I have no words, say I’m sorry, etc. You don’t even need to send anything either. Just sending a hug to your Mom through me is perfect. People really try to overthink stuff sometimes when trying to help someone grieving. We don’t want to not hear from them, but we don’t want to HAVE to respond either. We don’t need stuff as that just adds more clutter and obligations for future Thank You's to be sent back. We definitely don’t want to see you unless we ask for that. Just sending a hug works perfect. We want to know you are thinking about us and you and that is good enough.
Do you have any idea how weird it is to walk into a room, just living your life, eating a yogurt, and then to see someone just spontaneously balling on the couch about something that makes no sense that triggered that emotional response? That is my life every day right now. It is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever encountered. Entering into a room thinking about yogurt and then being instantaneously transported to a dark and miserable place is hard for my brain (or any brain) to process. I literally just have to stand there with a blank stare on my face. How in the heck can I share in that pain so instantaneously to show empathy for the other person? I don’t even know how anyone could alternate back and forth from those 2 extremes without losing their minds. It is one thing for a therapist, priest, or doctor to do that in a concentrated hour of time they are with someone. Try doing that while you are eating yogurt and turn a corner in your own house, or after you brush your teeth, or walk back in the house all tired and sweaty coming back from a jog. It is truly hard to comprehend. I never want to go through something like this again.
I love you

Day 66: 5/19/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Why don’t skeletons like scary movies? They don’t have the guts
Daily Scripture Theme: You can overcome opposition. My Thoughts: Never give up is the message here again. Of course, you and I both know the importance of this message to us. It is something that comes naturally to you and I. When we get to an obstacle…we just do it and keep going. As you would say, “Hold my milk, Dad”. I know you got that from me, but you made it your own as well and did it even better. The one who really needs this message today is your Mother. She needs to know that you just have to keep moving forward. You can’t stay stuck in the past, no matter how recent. No amount of crying, reflection, sorrow, pain, etc. is going to change what has happened in our lives. The passage said that most people see 3 options…retreat, standstill, or move forward. To you and I…we only ever think of 1 option. Please Quinn, God, or anyone…help me and give me the strength to help my wife to start to at least think about moving forward.
What do you do when someone is stuck in the past? How do you grab someone and pull them into the present or discuss the future when they have no desire to budge from the past? How do you continue to move forward yourself when your partner is standing still? At the end of the day, marriage and family is a team sport. YOU DON’T LEAVE YOUR TEAMMATES behind. I will never leave her behind, but what if your teammates don’t want to move forward? What do you do then?
What happens when your teammates quit? It is one thing for me to say my personal brand and mantra is “Never Quit”; what if that isn’t your team's Mantra? How do you overcome that? In business I would say that if someone wants to quit, let them and go find a replacement. In marriage, you can’t do that. This is such a unique challenge and complication. I really need to talk to someone about this stuff and get advice. I don’t want to be held back and at the same time I don’t want to leave my life teammate behind either. I really need guidance on how to manage this situation. We aren’t at some critical point of no return, but it feels like that gap is growing each and every day. If we don’t do something to correct it I fear some very bad outcomes in the future.
Gigantic tsunami wave of emotion…that is how your Mother describes it. Try eating yogurt and turning a corner into someone “Gigantic Tsunami Wave of Emotion” at any point during any day of your life doing the most mundane things.
Dealing with your Mother’s, “Gigantic Tsunami Waves of Emotion”, may be more traumatic and difficult for me to deal with than being in the NICU with you where literal life and death was on the line. The reason being…there is no solution. At least in the NICU, there is a something to try to do to help, a question to ask, a problem to solve, etc. I’m good at that. Where we are at today, these Tsunami’s have no solutions. That is harder for me to process than I could ever imagine.
I love you

Day 67: 5/20/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Why do Gorillas have big Nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
Daily Scripture Theme: Your Thoughts Are Powerful. My Thoughts - The gist here is to think positive and trust God if you want the desired outcomes. If you always think negative, you will receive negative results. Your mindset can have a direct implication on outcomes and ultimately become self-fulfilling prophecies (good or bad). It’s ironic, because I 1000% thought you were coming home the whole time and it was a done decision. I rarely let myself go negative and kept the whole team (Mom, Doctors, Nurses, family and friends) thinking positively as well the whole time. It sucks so much because I truly did know that you were coming home. At this point, I don’t think that I have the ability to foresee if losing you in this world was a negative or a positive at this point. Only time and God will help to reveal that answer. However, I do know that my time with you was much more enjoyable and I will always remember positives about our experience together because of this mindset. Maybe …just maybe…that is why it has been a little easier for me to process this whole thing since you’re passing. Who knows?
Speaking of processing…I’m starting to wonder if something is wrong with me? I don’t feel like I’m processing anything from your passing anymore. I honestly feel pretty damn near back to “normal” or whatever that means. It actually worries me a little. Is there something wrong with me? Why don’t I have stronger feelings? I look at your Mother crying her eyes out all day, while I’m in another room joking around, doing normal activities in a day, kind of enjoying some time off from life, etc. Is that weird or wrong? I think I need to dive into this one with my therapist this week.
If a part of me thinks that, in the back of my mind, I’m doing something wrong with grieving…I probably am. I’m sure there is some truth to it for sure. I always go back to the same question whenever I’m thinking about this, how can someone feel sad ALL DAY? Feeling sad takes A LOT of energy. That is energy that I just don’t have to give right now. And what exactly am I supposed to be SAD about all day? Is it not being able to do stuff in the future that you and I would have done and can’t? I’ll get sad when they happen and process those moments as they come. Why do I want to think about your high school graduation now? That just seems misguided.
One of your Grandparents’ best friends (Dave and Rhonda Moore) asked me today if we ever plan on having more children? Without hesitation, I think I responded absolutely. You were so amazing and I loved every minute as a “Dad” with you. I love being a Dad…and your Dad specifically. I can’t wait to have some future brothers and sisters for you. I just really wish you would have been here to enjoy them.
Random Thought – In one of my all-time favorite movies, Back to the Future, it is clearly implied that Marty McFly’s performance of Johnny B. Goode at the Enchantment Under the Sea school dance was the inspiration for the original song by Chuck Berry. I ask…How is that possible? If Marty went back in time to play a song already invented…how could the person that invented it get inspiration for the song from someone who would never have heard it in the future? My mind is baffled on that one. Any thoughts Quinn? Let me know if you figure that one out.
I love you

Day 68: 5/21/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Why do Bananas Wear Sunscreen? Because they peel easily
Daily Scripture Theme: Disappointed? Get Reappointed. My Thoughts: What do you do when something disappoints you? Do you let the circumstances of man control your plan, or give it to God? As the writing says, “if you TRULY trust that God’s plan has the right intentions for you, when you get disappointed...get reappointed to God’s plan”. This goes back to EVERYTHING being a maybe (good or bad). We have no idea, if you give it to God, he’ll at least set you free in the present. Even something as stupid as traffic jams, missed appointments, or any other regular life happenings; we have no idea what the meaning was and if it was good or bad. Reappointing to God in the present is not only soothing, but can help you navigate more clearly in the moment.
On that note, I missed an important meeting yesterday accidentally that has been bothering me all night as it is so not like me. Being away from work since your passing, I’ve gotten out of the habit of checking my calendar regularly. I had forgotten about an important personal meeting that I had scheduled a few months ago (before your passing) and totally spaced it. I was really disappointed in myself. I was able to reschedule and hopefully fix the error, but that disappointment is hard to overcome sometimes. Getting reappointed toward God’s plan is a great way to look at it. Who knows, maybe having some more time to prepare for our next meeting in a few weeks will have a better impact. We shall see.
You know what really sucks Emilia, I no longer am an active parent right now. I know I’ll always be a parent to you and I’m so proud of that; however, for the time being I’m a parent by title only. That really hurts sometimes. I was so looking forward to being an active parent for the rest of my life when I found out we were having you. I had SO MUCH I wanted to teach you and learn from you. I really miss you
I met our cool new neighbor today while out doing some landscaping. You would really like them. Turns out we have a lot more in common than I could have ever imagined. Her son, Jacob, passed away at 9 months old at Riley. We are sadly both in the same club that no one wants to be in. On the positive side of things, I can’t wait to have her over to talk to us about her experiences, because NO ONE can know what it is like to lose a child unless they’ve lived it. I don’t care what losses you’ve had in your life, unless you’ve experienced THIS...I really don’t want to hear from you at all other than thoughts and prayers. One thing she did tell me that concerns me a ton is that her and her husband split from the loss of Jacob. That is now 2/2 people that I’ve met that lost a child that ultimately got a divorce. That is disturbing and I promise you I won’t let that happen...more on this one tomorrow.
I love you

Day 69: 5/22/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Why can’t you have a nose that would be 12 inches long? Because then you’d have a foot.
Daily Scripture Theme: A Good Kind of Hunger. My Thoughts - This was all about hungering for spirituality and fulfillment vs. material things. I can say that at one point in my life I REALLY needed spirituality, meditation, and appreciation of the world but didn’t know how to find it. My new spiritual journey in my 20’s was forced out if this necessity unfortunately. Through discovering and better understanding myself, I was able to tap more into my spirituality and center myself on values and principles vs things and accomplishments. That has been a long on ramp road so far, and I’m maybe FINALLY at least ON the highway and can start to begin that journey for the rest of my life. I have so much more to learn, but it is a lot more fulfilling than the depression and anxiety I had before when I was younger and lost.
It has been a month since we lost you and the last time we saw your precious little face in this world. It is truly hard to fathom in my mind. I wonder what you’d look like today? How big you’d be? What crazy / adorable little things you’d be doing? Would you be off your ventilator? Out of your isolate? We’d only be about 50 or so days away from coming home at this point. I’m sure if we had made it here than we would have made it all the way. We miss you so much. I love you Quinn.
Back to our new neighbor, her loss, and subsequent divorce. I SWEAR TO YOU that I will not let that happen to this family. I will do everything in my power to strengthen our family though this process and not let it break down. You were too important and special to both of us to let the loss of you pull us apart. I will say that this is not going to be easy, but neither were the struggles and challenges you were given. You never blinked an eye and just kept pressing on toward the next obstacle. Never quit right now means not giving up on this family. Your Mom is very hard to deal with right now, but I will push through it and find ways to help and adjust. We will not be another statistic of divorce. We can be that inspiration to the next couple we come across going through this and help them.
I love you

Day 70: 5/23/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the day: How do you tell Ronald McDonald on a nude beach? He’s the one with the sesame seed buns
Daily Scripture Theme: People who are difficult to get along with. My Thoughts - main theme here was all about act in a way that would make Jesus proud when dealing with difficult people. The most interesting thing I heard was about time though...time is far too precious to waste on getting angry at people. You have no idea what someone else is going through in life and therefore need to respect everyone the same and treat them all equally. Look at your Mom and I. We are generally very nice people. If you were to meet your Mom for the first time in the past month since you passed away, people might think otherwise. It is unfair of anyone to pass judgement and it also just isn’t worth the time either. Time is too precious, and being pissed all day helps no one.
Grandma Genie is in town to help out your Mom...much needed relief on my end. I’m hoping that can provide a little more comfort than I can.
It’s Memorial Day weekend and that traditionally would mean it is RACE DAY!!! I was so looking forward to taking you to the Indianapolis 500 every year with your Dad’s friend Newcomb, and his kids. It’s a traditional of ours and it is so much fun. You would have absolutely loved it...I hope. At least you would have humored me for a fun dad/daughter day possibly...lol.
My therapist recommended your Mom and I do some “grief goal setting” this upcoming week to try to stay aligned and bridge the growing gap between our 2 healing processes. I thought that was a great idea. Fun fact, your Dad LOVES him some goal setting exercises. Also, fun fact, your Mom HATES goal setting exercises. I told my therapist I’d try, but I know exactly what your Mom will say as I’ve been trying to get her to goal set with me for years and she always laughs at me and says how much she hates it. We’ll see. I brought it up to her and she did exactly as I suspected. Maybe I can use some Jedi mind tricks on her and get her to do it without even realizing. This feels too important to not try.
I love you

Day 71: 5/24/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care
Daily Scripture Theme: Change and Transition. My Thoughts - Change is inevitable. Everything changes eventually. What changes can be either good or bad; however, how you respond can always be a constant. Whether you win or lose, perceived good or bad happens, you can handle it with God and know that he has a greater vision that we aren’t capable of seeing. That will at the very least keep you stable and present and not be ruled by your emotions in the moment. When things happen around you that are out of your control…you can always control yourself and your response.
I was really proud of your Mom yesterday. We unexpectedly had a handful of friends and visitors over for the first time really since we lost you. She did a great job of taking that REALLY big first step of getting back into “normalcy” and communicating with people outside of me or your Grandma. I could tell it was overwhelming for her, but she stuck with it and had conversations all day and night long. I think that will make a massive impact for her going forward and breaking the seal (so to speak).
Today would have officially been your first race day. God I really wish I would have been able to take you someday. That is an Indiana tradition I was really looking forward to seeing you possibly get into where you could enjoy some quality time with your Dad. You would have loved it…I think?
It’s officially summertime as well. Being outside, walking to go get ice cream, playing in the yard, going to the park for tennis, etc. I think the thing I was always looking forward to the most about being a parent was getting to spend a lot of time with you outdoors and enjoying nature, exploring, and being active. We would have had a blast. I’ve been looking forward to this stuff for so long and it is so sad that you and I will never get that experience. I’ll always think about that forever. It will probably hurt even more as we have more children and living that with them and not you.
Speaking of brothers and sisters…I’m not totally sure and I don’t want to jinx it (as a matter of fact I may take this out in the future), but I think your mom may be pregnant again. I really don’t even know how to feel about this yet…it isn’t for sure either. I can’t wait to have more kids At the same time, we wanted more siblings for you. WAY MORE to come on this one once we figure this out for sure…TBD.
I love you.

Day 72: 5/25/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What’s white and can’t climb a tree? A Refrigerator.
Daily Scripture Theme: Celebrate through Giving. My Thoughts – So many thoughts on this scripture message today. I’ve been doing a lot of reading recently about Giving and the importance it plays in all aspects of our lives. Giving more in value to others than they expect. Being there as a help and a resource with our time and skills (not just money). Giving freely without any expectation of return or a quid pro quo. Being a giver is a mindset and a way of life. You were a giver. You did nothing but give 1000% effort every day to keep on fighting and living. Because of all the giving you showed in your battle, it inspired your Mom and I to give back to the Doctors, Nurses, and other future patients in the NICU to pass along your message. In the future, I want to give more time and energy to causes around NEC and Riley’s to help out. The beauty of giving is that the more you give, the more you will ultimately receive. That’s not why we do it…but it just will happen naturally. Giving is like a basic fundamental law of the world. It is infectious. Giving begets more giving. Eventually, we must remember that when your moment of need arises…you have to be open to receive.
Memorial Day and Living for 2. My Daily Mentoring video today was about a story of a young Austrian man in WWII. German soldiers came into their village after a disobedient act and made them all line up to shoot every 20th person as a punishment. This young man was next in line to be shot until an older gentleman stepped in and took his place. The old man told him as he was being taken away to remember that that you are now living for 2. I realize that message was about the service military personnel do for us on this Memorial Day and we need to live for 2 for them. However, I couldn’t help but think and remember to always live for 2 for you. It’s not fair that I’m here and you’re not. It’s not fair that someday, if we are blessed enough, that your siblings will get to live the life we wanted for you and you won’t. None of this is fair to any of us. However, I choose to “live for 2” for you each and every day for the rest of my life. I promise that no one will ever forget you, or the strength and courage you demonstrated in your own fight.
Your Mom and I called Dr. Rescorla back today. He had called a few times to check on us and we sat down together to call him back. That was a really tough call to make for all of us. He wanted to let us know that he had been thinking of us and that their NICU team had just reviewed your case with his other staff members. He offered to revisit all of it with us as it was top of mind. A part of me wanted to just jump right into WTF happened with your last surgery and grill him over it…I didn’t obviously. We exchanged some pleasantries and told him we appreciated him checking in on us. He then offered to have us come in and talk about your situation in depth if we’d like out of nowhere. At first, I was just going to let the invite slide and try and move on as it is so painful to think about. At the end of the call…it was too tempting to turn down. I told him I’ll take him up on it for sure when the timing is more right. I don’t know how I want that chat to go. It will be so hard to revisit it all. I think it is something I have to do though as I will always wonder and feel guilt for the rest of my life that I wasn’t there that morning to help make the call with your Mom and Dr. Rescorla on what was a billed as “no biggie” preventive look into your belly. We’ll see what happens here in the future.
I love you

Day 73: 5/26/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What was the Hot Dog’s Name? Frank
Daily Scripture Theme: A Time to Remember. My Thoughts - “we forget things we should remember and remember things we should forget”. Very true and very much in line with something top of mind for me. I’ve been actively trying to forget the actual events, photos, videos, and memories of you in the NICU. It is so hard to revisit them sometimes in my head because of the wave of emotions it brings. Sadness, happiness, fear, anxiety, anger, love, etc. All of the emotions come back whenever I see you or something from the hospital. These are things I should never forget though and should actively spend some time to remember and reflect on more regularly. Yesterday’s call with Dr. Rescorla was really tough. It brought me back to that day of your surgery and what happened afterward. I hated it and couldn’t stand to be in that moment again so I shut off that emotion immediately after that call and went back to my life. I could feel the anger coming and didn’t want to engage. I don’t know if that is good or not…time will tell. Something to think about when I talk to my therapist lady on Friday.
Speaking of looking back...Why is it so hard for me to look at photos and videos of you? Every time I see one I feel a little sick to my stomach. You were so adorable. It is a weird tradeoff between moving forward and not forgetting. Neither one feels fair to anyone. The longer I spend not looking at videos and photos…the harder it gets each day to look. I’m not sure what to do going forward.
I still don’t know if your Mom is pregnant again or not? It is starting to stress me out. Without a doubt, I want future kids. However, I don’t know if I’m ready for all of this again so soon. I’m still reeling from losing you. I was telling your Mom yesterday that I really feel sorry for your future brothers and sisters as they’ll never be you. Whenever I’m doing something with them that is like a milestone, or anything really, I’ll be thinking about how unfair it is that you aren’t here. Then I’m a bad Dad to all. I’m not ready for all of this yet I don’t think. At the same time, I don’t want to tempt fate and God either if this is his plan. I’ll get over it and push through like always. We are stuck in this weird holding pattern where we just don’t know and it is too soon to fully tell. That is the most anxious part of it all for me…not knowing. I think in a few more weeks we’ll officially know for sure, but those next few weeks are going to be tough to process either way.
I’m reading this really interesting new book called “The Originals” by one of my favorite authors, Adam Grant. It is about originals in this world and the societal, organizational, and phycological reasons they develop. One of the most recent chapters I was reading was about sibling order and how that can determine how children develop into adults and their most likely paths because of it. Main gist is that first born children are raised in an adult world as your parents are all you have as role models. They are very responsible, by the book, follow traditional paths, etc. Last born children are raised and influenced more by their siblings as their role models. They have less rules on them, and in turn often become a little more creative and rebellious. I couldn’t help but think about you while reading this and how you would have been. You are our first born, and in a normal world…we should all be incredibly close. We are learning with you how to parent. We’re supposed to be enjoying, terrified, and overreacting to all the firsts with you. Sadly, it is like we were all robbed of the first-born experience. We kind of got it and kind of didn’t. It couldn’t be weirder. I wonder how that will impact how we raise your future siblings as they get older. Will they be the middle and 3rd children or will they be the first and last born (if we have 2 more). I know for your Mom and Dad, it will always be you first and we’ll never forget. However, your siblings will never truly know the difference. They’ll never have the perfect older sister role model to help guide them. I know you would have been an incredible older sister and leader of the pack. You had the makings of all the great things about first borns from day one. You were always so calm, cool, and collected. Soaking everything up like a sponge. I know you loved hearing us all talk to you and having that time together. God it sucks we were all robbed of this experience.
I love you

Day 74: 5/27/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
Daily Scripture Theme: Truly Know God. My Thoughts - “If we know him truly…first thing we give up is trying to explain him”. This principle is something I’m learning pretty intimately over the recent last few years of my life. That has really accelerated with our experience with you. I give up trying to make sense of why things happen / where God is and isn’t involved in all aspects of our lives. That comes when you are looking for “good” vs “bad” outcomes. We look for him during both, but the truth is we really have no idea what the plan or design really is. That is the secret to knowing God. Understanding that we can’t control anything other than ourselves and how we want to live our lives. God will control everything else. I always used to get so mad when I would hear athletes first give their victories or achievements to God. It made me almost chuckle thinking that God had anything to do with the fact that they won or lost a particular game…now I’m starting to understand why I thought that was so funny. I think it might be more appropriate to hear an athlete give their loss, injury, pain, etc to “God” than the latter. That would be more realistic and frankly more entertaining.
Mom pregnancy update…I don’t think she is anymore. We still really don’t know for sure yet, but it is feeling more and more unlikely after her second pregnancy test was a negative. There certainly is still a possibility, but I’m not getting my hopes up. Honestly…I’m a little relieved. We are just not ready to go back through all of this again so soon. I don’t know when that right timing will actually be, but this just doesn’t feel right today.
Emilia, I’m finding myself stuck in a rut these past few days. My motivation for working, writing, exercising, reading, etc. seems to be gone. I’m just going through the motions. I emotionally and physically feel good, but my excitement and passion seem to be gone. I need to get it together. WWED (What Would Emilia Do)?
On a positive note, your Mom seems to be making some good progress over the past week. I think your Grandma’s visit and seeing some friends made a big impact overall. She certainly still has her dark moments, but those seem to be less often and not as long when they happen. I’m really happy to see this.
I love you.

Day 75: 5/28/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Did you hear the joke about Paper? It’s tearable.
Daily Scripture Theme: Learn to face truth. My Thoughts - God is the truth. Don’t blame others, make excuses, lie to yourself, etc. Ask God to show us who we are and be truthful to that. There is a lot of freedom in radical candor. It is often very easy to tell that to others, but really hard to say it to ourselves. I need to face up to my own truth here soon and really go out on a limb and risk it all for my own company. That is the dream and what I’ve been working so hard for over the past few years. I can do it, I’m prepared, and I’m ready to truly take on this challenge no matter what.
Remember the why day - I’ve been pretty lackadaisical and just “going through the motions” the past week. That is because this has become about me again and it should be (and will always be) about you going forward. Living for 2. It is so easy to fall back into the same habits that I wrote about in your eulogy where you are doing the right things, but just forcing yourself to do it with no real mission or joy behind it. When you live your life that way, it is super easy to sleep in, to not try as hard as possible in a workout, to not dedicate some time to writing every day, to procrastinate that stupid project you’ve wanted to get done, etc. When you have a why, you don’t even have to think about anything other than your why.
This is why today, I’m going to spend a lot of time looking at your photos and videos and remember you like I should. It has been way to long since I’ve spent time intentionally remembering. I can’t forget you or what you meant to me and your Mom.
I wanted to remember you today and be more intentional about it. I went to visit you at the cemetery and spent some time reflecting and watching a lot of videos of us together in better times. You were so beautiful and full of life and feisty. It was really painful to see you and remind me of how awesome you were. It really hurts a lot.
I understand a lot more about why your Mother cries so much all the time. She spends so much time looking at you and it really does make it feel so much worse and happy at the same time.
I need to make sure I actively build more “remembrance” time into my schedule going forward and be more intentional about getting into that state of mind in the future. While it hurt, it made me feel so much closer to you and remind me of the why.
I love you

Day 76: 5/29/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist. That kid didn’t help me at all.
Daily Scripture Theme: Don’t just be open...ask. My thoughts: you have to ASK for help, from God and anyone else. Giving is amazing and way more rewarding. Sometimes, you have to be open to asking for help as well and be open to receive. This is an intentional act and needs to be done with purpose just like everything else. You have to sow before you reap. Both are important, but we often forgot to reap or ask for help to sow. This is a great reminder. I need to ask for help on how to overcome this current situation, as well as, preparing for the next steps in my career as well.
Trying something a little new today. I going to read and reflect on a passage from this book that I HATE and your MOM LOVES called “An Empty Cradle, A Full Heart”. This book is a collection of single quote reflections from Mothers and Fathers that lost an infant through miscarriage, still birth, or close to birth like yourself. They are all very raw and painful comments. For me, this book is like looking at your pictures and videos. It is so painful and brings out a TON of emotions. For some reason, I just don’t want to explore those thoughts, but it seems like your Mom can’t stop. It shows really just how different 2 people can grieve through the same process. I just don’t like to engage in negative and sad thinking if I can avoid it. You have to force me into a situation like that for me to let my brain think that way. Today…I’m going to try and actively engage in sadness just like yesterday when we visited you yesterday.
An Empty Cradle, A Full Heart Passage - "We never dreamed when we got married that this would be one of the things we would have to endure together. I’ve heard that adversity tears some couples apart and makes others stronger. I don’t know what this will do to us; I only know that I need my darling’s love forever. I couldn’t get through this without my wife”. My Thoughts - this has been one of my biggest fears since the day we lost you. I’m terrified that your Mother and my relationship will fall apart from this trauma. I’m terrified that of the 3 people I know that have endured this are all now divorced. I told your Mom just the other day that I can’t do life without her. I’m very independent; however, going through quarantine and our situation with you, I’ve realized that everything else in this world is really meaningless to me other than you and your Mom. I already lost one of you…I can’t lose you both. To be clear…I WON’T LET THAT HAPPEN.
I love you

Day 77: 5/30/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: I used to be in a band Called the hinges, we opened for the doors.
Daily Scripture Theme: Bad Habits. My Thoughts - the main message was filling your bad habits with more positive activities and God. Habits are interesting. To me, they are the ESSENTIAL elements to success. If you can do the same thing every day, eventually it will lead to explosive outcomes. Those outcomes can be bad like overeating every day, which then turns into high blood pressure, and them followed by a heart attack. Or Good like running every day, which turns into a marathon goal, improved health, probably meeting new people, joining new circles, leads to a better job, etc. The point is, you control if the compounded effect is good or bad. That is based off of the choices you make every day. Bad choices are easy! Good choices are also easy! It’s up to you to be proactive and fill your time with the right choices for you.
I almost ran 10 miles today. That is BY FAR the longest I’ve ever run in a single time in my life. I was pretty proud of myself. I ran so far that I ran past your hospital that you stayed at which is pretty far away from our house. As I was running by it I couldn’t help but to think how proud of me you would be. I think I may try to run a mini marathon in your honor at some point. That is something I NEVER thought I’d ever do in a million years. I guess crazy things can happen when you’re trying to live up to your amazing daughter’s legacy.
Sooo....I think it is official that your Mom isn’t pregnant. She took another pregnancy test and it came back negative again. I think I’m pretty relieved to be honest. I don’t think either of us were ready for that next chapter so quickly. Some day
Speaking of your Mom...she is having a really rough day today. I’m not totally sure why, but she has just been really pissed and sad all day. Just one of those days I guess. I woke up and she was crying next to me while holding one of your stuffed animals. It is so hard to watch these days happen.
Your Mom and Dad had some amazing friends over tonight and we spent a lot of time (and a lot of wine) telling your story. You are so loved. It’s ALMOST sometimes just as sad that others can’t experience how awesome you were in person as it is not having you here with us. You are so special that it is criminal that no one else was really ever able to see that for themselves. You’ll have to live on through the stories we tell about you in the future.
I love you

Day 78: 5/31/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What did the buffalo say to his on the way to school? Bison
Daily Scripture Theme - Secrets can make you sick. My Thoughts - If you have secrets, you need to share them as they will poison you is the main theme here. While I don’t feel that I have any deep dark secrets to reveal…I do find it hard to openly share sometimes things that I’m questioning or in pain about. They are often so deep that I probably don’t even know I’m in pain from them if I had to guess. For instance, pain about losing you. I know I’m in pain, but I often tell myself that what is the point of exploring the sadness and hurt. Why would I choose that path? Sometimes you have to embrace the pain to be better. I need to be more open to sharing those thoughts with loved ones…especially your Mother. I don’t want her to feel like she’s alone in this process either.
This world is in chaos Emilia. In the middle of losing you, a global pandemic, your Grandma losing her job, etc.…we know have to deal with nationwide race riots and looting going on. It can be overwhelming. This is not the world that I would want you to know. However, we probably would need to spend a lot of time educating you about how other people have different lives, experiences, and backgrounds that need to be heard, honored, and respected. Talking with friends last night, one of the topics we discussed was how BAD people are at having empathy for others, listening, and respecting that everyone else may not be living the same life as you. Kind of like a Kaleidoscope of feelings. In my opinion, it is our our DUTY to be omni-aware of this Kaleidoscope with everyone we speak with. While at the time of the conversation, we were more so referring to our situation and people’s carelessness with their commentary about their own children…it holds the exact same thing for race relations and EVERYTHING else in life (disease, disabilities, mental health, etc.).
Truly listening, having empathy, and reflecting is an important lesson that I’m sadly just now learning as a 35-year-old. It has to be taught…or learned through pain and trauma like in my situation. I would make sure to help teach and coach you through discovering these important life lessons. As a Latina woman, you would have been a minority yourself. Your Mother and I often talk a lot about race relations, diversity, and inclusion as it is something she is incredibly passionate about. I can’t imagine how you would have been impacted by your Mom and exploring these topics. You probably would have gone on to do some crazy amazing things and I would have been so honored and proud to have watched you.
I love you

Day 79: 6/1/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the door? It won’t be long now.
Daily Scripture Theme - You’re an Everything and Nothing…And So am I. My Thoughts - Humility…God (or whatever greater being that is designing our beautiful life), is always first and we are working through him/her and not above them. We have to be humbled to know that we are no better than anyone else. No matter what we achieve or do in this world, we all report to a higher being. This is a very important message given the state of the world today. Just because I’m not a minority in America…doesn’t mean their problems aren’t my problems. If it is God’s problem…it is all of our problems and we need to work together to solve them. I certainly would think that God would have a problem with protectors straight up killing people in the streets that they are sworn to protect and serve.
I still can’t get over that I ran almost 10 miles the other day…Before a few months ago, the longest I’ve ever ran before was about 4 miles. I HATE running and still do; however, I’ve been extra motivated by you and your strength that you showed. I THINK that I may try to run an actual mini marathon sometime here soon and who knows where we go from there.
Habits (good or bad) are so powerful and so easy to break. The past few months I’ve been trying to do a daily “sharpening of the saw” so to speak where I do some personal self-improvement focuses. I’ve been so good about never missing each day doing at least 30 minutes of vigorous exercise, 30 minutes of writing and reflection, 30 minutes of reading, and a daily mentoring activity for the past few months. I’ve really gotten into a pretty amazing groove and I’m super proud of myself. However, proactive habits are SO EASY to break. I’ve been giving myself one rest day on Sunday’s recently. It feels so relaxing to not have to push yourself and take the pedal off the metal. So much so, that each Monday I regret taking the previous day off as I want to mentally take another day off and it is so easy to convince your mind that it is okay to take it off as you “earned it” with your previous activities. Just starting up the next day and knowing I need to make up now reading for 2 days, writing for 2 days, working out for 2 days just makes you more exhausted than just doing it in the first place. The human brain is fascinating and a constant battle. Luckily for me…I have you to help me. Having that WHY does make it just a little easier to say no to yourself because this isn’t about me. This is about living for 2.
Big fight tonight. First off…It’s not your fault at all, but I thought I owed you an explanation so you could understand my feelings and thoughts. Your Mom ordered a ton of large photos (40) for a wall tile mural a few weeks ago and they arrived today. They were all beautiful photos of you and our time together in the NICU. She had told me about this idea for a wall mural full of your photos and she was going to order these tiles. I apparently hadn’t listened closely enough as I thought it was just for your memorial area in the office. Then all the sudden yesterday the photos came in this gigantic box and there were SO MANY of them. She had told me she wants to put them all over the hom,e on walls everywhere, and in every room. That apparently was her intention all along. I don’t know what happened, but seeing those photos and thinking about seeing you in the hospital every day and everywhere I turn in my home just felt overwhelming to me. I basically walked away from her and the pictures. I honestly can’t stomach the idea of seeing you either looking good or bad in the hospital every day…it is why I’ve tried to not look at photos and videos a ton since we lost you as it is SOOOO HARD for me to look at them. That whole experience is so traumatic. Something about seeing those traumatic photos all over my house every day just makes me want to have a panic attack.
Of course, your Mother freaked out and started screaming at me. She has every right to be frustrated with me. I don’t get to control how she sees you and what is comforting to her. However, I’ve been nothing but supportive of her, let all the things that trigger her not be discussed or dealt with, etc. I’ve honestly not asked anything of her since we lost you. It really hurts to disappoint her. It also really hurts to not feel supported at the same time. I don’t know if I will ever figure out a compromise here. I just know that every time I see an actual picture of you, it triggers a wave of all kind of emotions that I don’t know if I can ever normalize. Memento’s and things to remember you by seem to be fine…it is just actual photos and videos that seem to trigger my pain. Who knows what will come of this in the future. I’m sorry that your Mom and I are fighting about anything as I know you would hate that.
I love you.

Day 80: 6/2/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: I’m terrified of 2022, because 2022 is 2020 too.
Daily Scripture Theme: Use your gifts wisely. My Thoughts - Main point is to know yourself, your core values, and what is important to you before you decide to use your gifts and talents on something. This really only comes with age and wisdom. While I still have a LONG way to go understanding myself and my calling, I have WAY more control over my journey now than I did when I was younger. Being young is all about learning and growing. Learning and understanding are lifelong ambitions; however, we should ESPECIALLY focus on these things when you are young or early in your career. Make every mistake possible as long as you spend time learning what you did, how it made you feel, and reflect back on your core values of who you want to be. Then it is on you to apply and share those lessons going forward. That is a never-ending battle that makes life so fun to live. Understanding who we are, what makes us happy, and then ACTIVELY controlling that path is when the magic happens. The quicker you learn this the happier you’ll be. I’ve actively been wondering what is the learning from you and our experience. I think that is still TBD, but I have a duty to keep exploring and reflecting on this every day for the rest of my life.
Passing time…I’m not sure what has been happening the past few weeks, but it is becoming more and more apparent that I have NO IDEA what to do with my life anymore. I’m staying active, working out, reading, writing, doing projects, etc.…I just have no idea WHAT I’m working toward. I have the WHY down and that is you. You are the why for the rest of my existence. However, the WHAT is confusing right now. The “WHAT” right now was supposed to be being a DAD. I don’t have that, and I don’t know what to do going forward. I’m just “passing time” it seems and doing stuff until I figure out my WHAT to pair with my WHY. Every day I’m passing time, the pain of missing you seems like it grows deep down below the surface more and more. I can’t explain it…this empty pit of not being your Dad right not just SUCKS. It feels worse and worse every day until I can find some WHAT that could even come CLOSE to what I thought I was going to be doing. There has to be a breaking point at some point in the future.
I taught some tennis lessons to your cousins yesterday. It was a lot of fun, but I hate that I’ll never get to do that with you. Seeing little Katie run around the tennis courts really hurt. I was so looking forward to sharing that special activity with you, and helping to guide you through so many life lessons and fun that can be learned through sports and tennis (in particular).
I love you.

Day 81: 6/3/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: How much do dumplings weigh? Wonton
Daily Scripture Theme: Where are you Going? My Thoughts - Man…talk about serendipity. Just last night, on the nightly walk with your Mom, I was asking this exact question. Sometimes the universe just wants to really hammer home the point…I get it. I woke up this morning at 3 am and couldn’t go back to sleep thinking about this exact topic ironically. The past few weeks since we lost you, I’ve been just living, going through the motions, and thinking a lot. This has probably been the most amount of reflective time I’ve EVER spent in my life. However, I think it is getting closer and closer for reflection to stop and action to truly begin. My roadmap is clear, I’ve been working toward this for many many years. I know exactly what I want in life and I’m ready to go after it hard…and to do it in your name with you as the driving force behind me. The only truly tragic thing in my life right now is that I should be doing this WITH YOU and not FOR YOU. A big part of that roadmap was being a Dad…now all I’m left with is work.
An Empty Cradle, A Full Heart – “Our 3-year-old made a scrapbook in Sunday school today. I was surprised to see 2 extra children in the family portrait. As he showed me his book, he proudly pointed out each person. When he came to the extra children, he said, “these are my baby brothers who died. They are in heaven now”. I was amazed. Those babies died before he was born, and I had no idea that he would think to include them when defining our family. I thought I was the only one who remembers the babies when we talk about who is in our family. It’s funny how we assume others don’t think of our little lost ones the way we do. I guess even though we don’t talk about it, we all remember”. My Thoughts - I guess this one answers my questions from a few days ago. You ARE the first born and your future siblings will never forget you. That makes me feel just a little bit better today even though I hate this stupid book (lol).
Speaking of our walk last night, your Mom and I got stopped and questioned by a cop as we were walking around the park in our quiet neighborhood. It was a little after the city-wide curfew that is in place right now due to the nationwide anti-racism and police protests from George Floyd’s killing. Again, what a dystopian world we are living in. In the past few months, I’ve been kicked off of public tennis courts for playing tennis by the cops because of coronavirus lockdowns, I’ve been stopped by cops for imposing a curfew for race riots, I have to wear a mask everywhere I go to be a good citizen and “stop the spread”, etc. That isn’t even to mention the fact that we had to have your funeral virtually and that no one in your family EVER got to meet you in person. What world are we living in? It’s not that I can’t take it…I just don’t know how we got here?
I love you

Day 82: 6/4/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Why are there walls around grave yards? Because people are dying to get in.
Daily Scripture Theme: Manage Your Emotions. My Thoughts - Emotions are natural. We can’t control when emotions come up, but we can control how we react to them. That is the most important and amazing part of being a human… we have control over our own minds and responses. We can’t control what happens to us or how that makes us feel; however, we can control how we react. We learned this lesson a lot on a day to day basis in your hospital room. There were 900 reasons to be angry, anxious, mad, sad, etc. Anyone of those triggers would have been totally “acceptable” if we had acted out in the moment. It takes someone centered in their beliefs in God, who they are, and to recognize what is happening and make a conscious decision about how to respond. That is when you know you are truly in control. It feels really good to know you are in control.
An Empty Cradle, a Full Heart - “There will be no night time feedings. I won’t have to get in up in the middle of the night to tend to the baby. I used to worry about those feedings because I’ve always enjoyed my sleep. It’s Ironic - now that there is no baby to keep me awake. I can’t sleep anyway”. My Thoughts - So true, I feel like I haven’t slept in months. This was always my biggest fear…that you would somehow through a wrench in our routine that would spiral me out of control. Lol, I clearly know now that isn’t true. I would give anything for that to be my reality today. It’s crazy sometimes how much we worry about stupid and selfish things like this.
This empty cradle book used to be something I could never open or read. I actually used to make fun of your Mom and joke with her that she has some weird attraction toward pain. To me, it was like reading every bad thought I had immediately after we lost you every time I opened it. It was pretty painful and raw to read. I don’t know what has changed, but it is kind of nice to read it now and I’m not as scared anymore. They are truthful statements with raw emotions that help me to remember that I am in pain and need to remember and reflect on these things. I think it is time I make them a regular part of my writing and reflection each day.
Speaking on control…I’m giving up watching the news. It is such a trigger on emotional responses all day every day. I will give myself 20 minutes at the end of the day to watch TV, or some time to check a few websites I enjoy to see what happened today in the world. Other than that, no more news media. It is a plague to this world. Same thing with Social Media. I will give myself 20 minutes to check Facebook, LinkedIn, etc a day and then no more. Both of these things are just time sucks that distract me from any productivity. They seem to put me in a negative space most of the time where I’m forced to exert some crazy will over myself to not react. Doesn’t seem like that makes a lot of sense.
I spoke with your Mom yesterday on our nightly walk about her thoughts on trying for a sibling for you. I’m happy to say that we are ready to at least embark on that next journey. It brings up so much fear, anxiety, and excitement at the same time. You were so amazing that we just can’t imagine life without more amazing children like yourself. To be continued...
I Love you

Day 83: 6/5/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: My wife just threw away my favorite herb. She’s such a thyme waster.
Daily Scripture Theme: Believe the Best. My Thoughts - The power of positive thinking. If you think good things will happen; your mood, attitudes, and actions will be more inclined to lead you to that outcome. If you approach everything negatively…you get the point. Losing you is probably the most negative thing that has ever happened to me in my life. However, I refuse to believe that it was an actual negative. I know somewhere deep down that all of this happened for a reason (and a good reason at that). I don’t know what it is and I don’t know when I’ll see it…but it did and I will keep believing until the day I die.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart - "My Father taught me to be strong and to protect my family. But I don’t know how to protect them from this. I couldn’t defend my baby from whatever it was that killed him. I can’t protect my wife from her pain and from that knowledge that our baby is dead today and will be dead tomorrow and every day after that.” My Thoughts - I struggle so much with both of these statements. I wasn’t there the day the decision was made for that last “minor procedure” AND I have to endure watching my wife in searing pain every day and can’t do anything about it. It is really hard to accept that there is a greater person in this world that is guiding our paths when reflecting on these realities. I love control, and it is very hard to not have it in the worst situations you’ve ever experienced.
A decision was made yesterday to start “trying” again for a sibling. I think we both agreed that you were just too special in our lives that we can’t imagine a life without children going forward. It remains to be seen if this is the right decision, but we have faith that we are doing the right thing for us all. So many reasons to be fearful of this path given what we all went through with you. However, even with all the anxiety, pain, and heartache that your life and death produced…I would do it again 100 times over if it meant that I got to see your adorable little face and little kicking legs and arms again. You were worth it and this next adventure will be worth it again.
I didn’t watch the news ALL DAY yesterday. You’d be so proud of me. I was in such a better mood ironically. That stuff is just toxic. Hate and division day after day. Not to mention that it just kills all other productivity as well.
You’re my why…you gave me something to believe in. Never giving up.
A lot of topics have been popping in my brain today that I wanted to document and journal about later - Lifetime Sentence, Grief Awareness in our society, how you would have been a mixture of Felicia and I, listening more, people empathizing and equivocating our lose to losing friends or family, and how to respond to how are you doing?
I had a really fun time tonight with a few of my friends telling them stories of you. It felt really good to talk about our experiences together and to have other people who didn’t get to know you learn about you. I can’t wait to do more of that.
I love you.

Day 84: 6/6/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
Daily Scripture Theme: Learn to live on the resurrection side of the cross. My Thoughts - Jesus Died AND Rose for us. The message here is that people stare at him on the cross and see his sacrifice but they forget that he rose for us so we can live our lives. This message is about living your life. You have the power to choose which way you want to live…keep moving forward. It’s really sad to think about this sometimes for you as you’re no longer with us. In a weird way, I feel like your mother and I have a duty to keep living our lives on the resurrection side of the cross for you (living for 2).
Empty Cradle, Full Heart – “Is there a nursery in heaven where all the babies who died too soon are happy and playing and praising God? Does my baby know me and how much I want to hold her and nurture her? Is she waiting for me to come and play with her as I long to?” My Thoughts - Your cousin Sarah, your Aunt’s oldest daughter, had her 10th birthday party today. I went over to your Grandparent’s house to celebrate and spend time with your whole family (who all love you so much and miss you). While I was there, I got to spend a lot of time with your other cousin Katie (your Aunt’s youngest daughter). She’s only 3. She’s so cute and fun to be around. We were playing with a balloon all day it felt like. Just hitting it around and running all over the house. She was having so much fun. After a while, it really started to hurt knowing that I’ll never be able to do that with you, and how excited I was for that to be a part of our life together. Later that night, your Aunt sent me a video of Katie answering a question her Mom asked of, “who she enjoyed hanging out with today”…Katie yelled, “Uncle Chris”. It made me really want to cry because I couldn’t help think of anything but you. I know I would have been a great Dad. It just really hurts knowing we’ll never have those times together and see all the joy and happiness on your face as you run around chasing a balloon.
Hot Topic - I’m getting so sick and tired of answering the question…how are you doing? People just have no idea what to say to us when they see us. I don’t blame them, but if I have to hear that question again…I may blow a gasket. If they really want to know, we’d have to go sit down and talk about it for 30 minutes. People really don’t want to do that. So I end up saying the same dumb thing…that’s a tough one to answer and I don’t really know. What do they want me to say? I’m moving forward and doing great? I’m falling apart and cry all day? Seriously…what do they actually expect me to say to that? Just stop asking please.
Speaking of topics like this, I’ve been thinking A LOT lately and want to turn this book into 3 sections to really make this a more comprehensive story around this whole journey. It was originally supposed to be a book for you to read someday so you could hear about our families experience in the NICU and understand what we all went through. It is now way more than that. This is the story of Emilia Quinn Sears, her birth, time on this earth, and then the grieving process of her parents. I plan to write a forward to the book about your life and a lot of the topics in this story…then allow people to read what is pertinent to them (the NICU story, losing our child, the aftermath, grief process, rebuilding, etc.). Hopefully this does some good somewhere in this world and can help others grieving parents like us. Sadly, your Mom and I have found out that NO ONE can empathize with an experience like this unless they’ve lived it themselves. I also want to include in a section of like a HOW TO help a friend or family member through this (along with Do’s and Don’ts).
I love you.

Day 85: 6/7/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What goes “oh, oh, oh”? Santa walking backwards.
Daily Scripture Theme: Get the small things right. My Thoughts – “Go out of your way to be a giver and you will be given back so much more.” This message has been very important to me over the past few months. We’ve been given SO MUCH…your presence and love, people helping us and supporting us, time to grieve and process by our employers, etc. I’ve read a few books recently as well about the importance of giving as a way of life that were very impactful to me as well. All I can say is that I feel like it is truly changing me for the better hearing this message over and over again. I find myself saying Hi to everyone as I jog and making a point to truly acknowledge them. It feels weird and good at the same time. I’m offering friends apologies for not being there for them in the past as much as I should have been during their own dark times. I listening more…etc. Giving and listening is a great life lesson to make yourself and others so much happier. If you get these small things and attitudes right…great things will happen.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart - “no one really knows how I feel. They think they do, and they try to understand. But there is only an emptiness filled with sadness. You know me, God. You made me, and you gave me this caring heart. Please ease my pain.” My Thoughts - NO ONE really has any idea what we are going through UNLESS they’ve gone through the trauma of losing a child themselves. I’m so sick of hearing people tell me, when I lost my…Parent, Sibling, Grandma, etc.…it was so hard and I know how you feel. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how I feel. People need to stop equivocating THEIR lived experiences with others and just listen to others stories more. Just shut your mouth and listen. If you want to hear my experience, I’m happy to share. However, PLEASE don’t tell me about how you understand…because you don’t. If you are going through something else…I’d love to listen and understand how you feel and what you are going through. The 2 are not the same. Please everyone…JUST STOP IT!
On that line of thinking…LISTENING! This has been ringing in my ears for months. Everything I’m reading, all the events going on in the world, my own experiences. Listening keeps coming up again and again. This world needs to stop talking and listen more. I feel like such an idiot for the way I’ve lived my life in the past. I can’t believe how selfish I’ve been trying to “help” so many people who probably just wanted to tell their stories and be heard. Emilia - this is such an important lesson for you to know and learn. Don’t be like your Dad and wait until now in life to learn these lessons. Luckily, you have your Mom and she is such a better human being than me. She would have made sure you listened and would have made you such a better person. You 2 would have been a match made in heaven.
You would have been 36 weeks old today. Unreal…we would have been so close to busting you out of that joint. I wonder what you would look like now? What progress you would have made? It hurts to think about that a lot. We got SO CLOSE to being able to get you out of there and get you home. I’ll never get over that.
I love you.

Day 86: 6/8/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: How do you fix a broken Tuba? With a Tube a glue.
Daily Scripture Theme: No excuses to stay where you are. My Thoughts - A mentor once said, wherever you are in life…it is your fault. Taking ownership of your life, habits, actions, responses, etc. is one of THE most important things that any human being can do. If you can’t control yourself, you can’t control anything. If you don’t take care of yourself first…you can’t take care of anyone else either. The sad thing in life is that EVERYONE is trying to do their best every day. The homeless person and the CEO are both equally trying to do their best. No one wakes up and says…I’m going to do my worst. You have to acknowledge where you are, where you want to be, and then control what you can control. We couldn’t control when you were born, what happened in the NICU, or your eventual passing. We can’t control the fact that you’re gone and we’ll never see you again. What we can control is how we live our lives every day, living for 2, and try our best to live like Quinn where we never quit and always keep pushing forward. That is the control we have and how I choose to live my life.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart - "Are they going to try again? I heard my in-laws whisper as they talked about our miscarriage. I’ve always resented it when people asked about our intentions with regard to having children. This time it took me by surprise. I’ve been so upset about the baby’s death and so busy trying to comfort my wife that I hadn’t thought about it. We have always wanted children, but it hurt so badly to lose a child. I don’t know if we can stand the pain again. God, give me faith and help me trust in you and your timing. Let my heart know that you won’t give me or my wife more than we can bear. Help me believe that you have happiness in store for us.” My Thoughts - Such a pertinent topic and reflection for us right now. We wanted you in our lives so bad. We want future children so bad. However, I don’t know that I can stomach WATCHING your Mother go through this process again. I could do it again and again because I know how amazing those 39 days were with you. It was worth every second. Watching your Mother in constant pain and sadness…I’m not sure I can go through that again. It is so hard, but we have to pray that God has a plan and we are just living it right now. We decided to start trying again…but my God am I scared!
Balance - you’d be so proud of me. I’ve always been THE WORST listener and least patient person I know. However, the tide seems to be FINALLY changing. These past few months of having you in our life, learning every day, writing every day, exercising every day, etc. Having that daily balance that I’ve never had in my life has opened me up to like a whole another level of awareness and understanding that I’ve honestly wanted to have my entire life. I’m so much more aware of my own thoughts and others around me. It’s like I’m a totally different person. This is the balance that I’ve always wanted, and I’m just starting to scratch the surface of what this means for us all going forward. Why did no one teach me these things growing up??? When I’m talking with people, I’m thinking differently when they are speaking. I’m constantly trying to be conscious of my words and actions. I’m actually trying to understand their side of an argument first. I am not good at it yet…but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop trying. It makes you feel so much more connected to other people by listening more, thinking of them and their lives, etc.
I love you.

Day 87: 6/9/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: I knew I shouldn’t steal a mixer from work but it was a whisk I was willing to take
Daily Scripture Theme: Celebrate You. My Thoughts - Don’t focus on your problems and identify with them as all you are. It’s okay to dream big and be bold (as Long as God is the guiding light). It’s okay to want more out of life and to shoot for the stars.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart – “It’s hard to endure one day after another. They are not getting easier nor are they getting better. I still miss my child. When will I be at Peace?” My Thoughts - We miss you Emilia. When I’m having a “good" day…I feel bad. When I’m having a “bad” day…I feel bad. Not having you is literally a PART of me at this point. Things aren’t going to get “better”. That doesn’t mean that life has to suck either. There are no comparisons to losing a child but, If I had to draw a corollary, it is like being diagnosed with something like HIV. You can live with it and live a happy life…but you’ll never get better. It’s a lifelong affliction and that is okay. I’d rather take a lifetime of carrying this burden if it means that I got to spend the time with you and know you like we did.
I need to go visit you again…weekly remembrance time. I have to learn to build that into my calendar.
I think I need to officially get away for a few days next week and take a long road trip to a beach or something. I wanted to do this weeks ago, but held off to be here for your Mother and to be present in my pain / grief as well. I wanted to run away before. Now I just want to go see some beauty in the world this time. Unsure if I will…at least this time it will be for the right reasons and not to run away.
Your Mother is having a minor surgery on Monday in which she will have to go under antithesis for a few hours…. please pray for us. I can’t deal with any other tragedy right now. This is more of a plea to God to protect this family. On the flip side, I’ve also learned that I can’t just pray to God for positive outcomes. His plan is his plan…but c’mon and let’s give us all a break for a LONG time in this household please. :).
I Love you

Day 88: 6/10/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Daily Scripture Theme: Don’t Assume, Ask God. My Thoughts – “When you’re having a bad day…ask God for guidance.” This one goes back to the fundamental truth that I have no idea what is happening in my life and why it is happening; especially in the moment. We get a lot of clarity by looking back and dissecting what has happened in the past. Doing this with God’s help can be a great experience. Sometimes thinking, reflecting, and talking with God is the best way to find the answers, understanding, or strength we seek. Don’t assume you always know best or can make sense of things yourself, check in and ask for help.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart- “A friend came over today and insisted I go out with her. She didn’t try to make me forget - how could I? But we still had fun. We even laughed a couple of times. We cried too. I didn’t think I would be able to talk so freely, but her willingness to listen made it easy, and I felt better.” My Thoughts - I’ve experienced this situation multiple times now. There is so much anxiety every time I’m seeing friends for the first time since we lost you. It sucks for us all. Nobody wants to be in that situation on either side. However, I’ve found that my friends want to listen, talk about you, and hear our experience which has been incredibly helpful. Every time I feel like I can’t do this again with the next friend…I get through it and feel better afterwards. It does take A LOT out of me and your Mom though. It is exhausting telling our story. I take some solace in knowing that the more we talk about you; the more we get to spread the amazing story of Emilia Quinn to everyone we know. You were so loved and that matters. I wish we were telling an amazing story that led to you at home though.
Let’s talk about grief awareness in our society. WE ARE COLLECTIVELY AWEFUL at it! That is the conclusion I’ve come to. I’ll start by pointing the finger at myself. My strategy has always been to leave people alone and let them grieve / have space. Who wants to hear from somebody like me when they just lost their wife, child, family member, etc? That has always been my go to. However, I’ve learned that is the exact OPPOSITE thing people really want. They want to know they exist and have feelings. They want to hear from people that care about them. However, they don’t want you to force your needs or thoughts on them at the same time. You can’t help people heal with words or guidance…UNLESS YOU’VE LITERALLY LIVED THE SAME EXPERIENCE. Those are the only people who should be talking vs. listening. Also, never ask…let me know how I can help? The last thing that anyone wants to think about is someone else in that trying time. If you want to help…just help. If you truly know something that will help that person out, just do it. If you don’t, just let them know you are thinking about them and praying for them and send a card or something small that doesn’t clutter their life more. Also - when sending anything, always preface it with a “you don’t have any obligation to respond or thank me” …that also adds more burden. To sum up…reach out, act if appropriate, don’t leave them having any obligation. I want to write a whole section in the book on Do’s and Don’ts of how to help people grieve and a Do’s and Don’ts of what to do in the NICU. That will be in the foreword section of the book. At least someone should have this stuff written down for them as I swear to you people are truly clueless, and that isn’t their fault. I was clueless as well and only thought about myself unfortunately. I need to put all of these into an orderly recap, but it is good to get them out.
I love you.

Day 89: 6/11/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: I met my boyfriend at the zoo, there he was, in his uniform…straightaway I know he was a keeper.
Daily Scripture Theme: Life’s not fair…and that’s okay. My Thoughts - So many thoughts on this one that it is hard to find a place to even start. First off, I have to say that I think that you have to experience failure, unfairness, misery, etc. in order to really put these principles into place and have any real idea of how you will handle it. It is one thing to say that God has a plan, and that I fully believe in him when times are good. It is quite another to keep that same level-headed mindset, composure, strength, courage, etc. when the SH*T hits the fan. As the movie Armageddon tells us, “it’s all fun and games until someone gets shot in the leg”. When you get shot, that’s when you truly find out about yourself when you have the CHOICE to decide how you will react. Will you focus on all the things you can’t control, let your stress and anxiety grow, think only about yourself, lash out at everyone around you, blame God, etc. Or, will you remember to focus on the good, lock in on a goal, think about positives, remember that God has a plan and that we never knew it anyway so nothing has changed, etc. It is when you are shot in the leg and how you react afterward that shows your true character and your real relationship with God and yourself. Final thought, I’ve been reading this book called, “Good to Great” by Jim Collins which touched on this very topic recently and is top of mind. It talked about the Stockdale Paradox, modeled after General Stockdale, and how he carried himself as a POW in Vietnam. 2 very important things that kept him going during his time as a POW. 1 - staying STEADFAST that he will be coming home and that this was his finest moment to show his character that will shape the rest of his life. 2. Only dealing with the COLD HARD FACTS each moment and not thinking about the end outcome. These are 2 very powerful principles that I learned by experience with you in the NICU. I was always RESOLUTE that you were coming home (I told myself, your Mother, and your care team over and over again all the time). I some ways, I still believe you are coming home. Maybe not in way I meant it in the original sense, but in some way that remains to be determined. Also, we had to learn that this is a marathon and we can’t dream about the day you come all day. We had to run the race and deal with what was in front of us each and every day. We NEVER veered from that process. I was so proud of us all and especially you. Now that we’ve all been “shot” in the leg…I can without a doubt say that I know how I will handle this in the future with God as the guiding light, focus on the positives, be resolute in the outcome, and deal with the cold hard facts in the present.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart - "I have countless blessings. Many people love and support me. I have caring friends and family. I have enough to eat, a fine house, I have my faith, and I know that I’m a beloved child of God. I live in freedom with no real worries. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am constantly reminded of those blessings when I look around at the brokenness in the world. I see people whose families and countries are torn apart by hatred, war, and famine. I am grateful; I did nothing to deserve being born into my circumstances. I want to be content with all the blessings I have.” My Thoughts - What a great follow up to the scripture. Your life can be a Sh*tshow to the outside world, but that doesn’t have to be your reality. When you think about the good in life and think about others, it opens you up to empathy and removes the selfishness that plagues us all. I don’t care what is going on in your life (Good or Bad); SOMEONE out there has it better or worse than you do. Hating your life and your experiences just hurts you and the ones you love.
We’ve talked about this before, but I’ll say it again, your crazy Dad goes to a psychic named Margo the Giggling Guru. I know I’m weird and laugh all you want little girl, but I find a ton of value in it. Yesterday was the first time I’ve talked to Margo since you were still in the hospital. I originally only went to talk to her to ask about the future sibling questions and seek guidance. However, what I learned is that I can speak with you through her. I had no idea. What an amazing conversation to have with you. Thank you so much for understanding the decision we had to make for us all. You are the most amazing person I will ever know in my life. I can’t wait to talk to you through Margo in the future. She kept calling you the “Baby Wrangler”, meaning you are getting all of your siblings in line and ready to come into this world. You are already being the best big sister that we all knew you could be. I’m so proud of you and thankful for your help. You WILL be a gigantic part of this family and your siblings’ lives in the future. I know you will be watching over us all. Margo mentioned that you MAY be open to coming back into this world as our 5th child. Wow…I never thought of having 5 kids, but if that means we get to see you again in the flesh…I think I may have to change my tune.
Take care of your brothers and sisters please and we can’t wait to meet them here soon.
I love you.

Day 90: 6/12/20

I Love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool. I lost the Rock’s paper scissors
Daily Scripture Theme: The Truth About Willpower. My Thoughts - Will Power is a great Indy Car racer, but will never cut it in NASCAR…I kid. The real truth about willpower is that it only gets us so far. In order to go all the way, you have to have a “Why” to draw from when you lose your willpower. She advocates for God to be the first person you turn to…Your fundamental rock. Your home base and the foundation to which you can go home to every night. While I think that concept is right…I’m not sure that God is who I should turn to first as that guiding North Star to increase my energy levels. I think that is YOU. I’ve learned that first-hand the past few weeks. I think “God” is that default person until you haven’t actually met your real why in the flesh. To me, you were God in the flesh, and my guiding example here on Earth. The concept of God will continue to be the foundation and the home I can feel safe and loved in. When it comes to that extra motivator to turn to beyond my own means, that has to be you and the values I saw you firsthand live by every day during your short time here on Earth. Either way, we certainly can’t do it alone which is her point in this whole thing. We can only take ourselves so far without the need of a greater being to assist our efforts and be our eternal fountain to drink from when thirsty.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart - “Some Mornings I was up feeling good. The sun is shining, the sheets are crisp. I stretch, and then I remember. How could I have forgotten? I won’t see her or hold her today. I won’t hear her voice or feel the touch of her soft skin.” My Thoughts - I hate when I forget sometimes. It makes me feel like an awful parent and person in general. It sucks to have to feel bad about feeling good but that is my life these days. Hopefully someday it will all merge together where the thoughts of you are only happy and are in harmony with our daily life vs. living in 2 worlds (past and present all at the same time).
I’m joining a book club…who the hell am I these days? If you had asked me a year ago, even 6 months ago, if that is something that would interest me…I would have laughed in your face and kept on with my day. But here we are. I’m honestly pretty excited about this. Learning on your own is fun, but sharing those thoughts with others and hearing theirs is even better.
We are just a little less than a month away from your original due date. I wonder in an alternate universe what all of our lives are like? Right now, I’m sure we are scrambling to get your nursery complete, making our final plans for the hospital trip, getting stuff done at work as quickly as possible, and anxiously awaiting the arrival of our first sweet baby girl. We would be out of our minds scared. No idea about what to expect during delivery. No idea about how we’d be as a parent. What a weird thing to think about. I’ve often wondered if alternate universes exist? Is there somewhere out there where we are all living THIS life together. What would that even mean? Those are some serious thinking topics I’d have to dive into to try and work that one out in my head. At its most basic, at least it would give me piece of mind that you exist in some reality somewhere.
I love you.

Day 91: 6/13/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What was the hot dog’s name? Frank.
Daily Scripture Theme - 5 ways to trust God with your burdens. My Thoughts – Here are her 5 Suggestions, “(Ask God, Attend Church, attend a Support Group, Begin Each Day with a Daily Affirmation, and pray in moments of doubt)”. To me this all screams…YOU CAN’T DO IT ALONE. Find help and support, identify your core values, think, and reflect. All of these are incredible principles to live life by.
Core Values - I’ve been personally doing a lot of thinking lately on the core values of my business I’m building, what kind of an organization I want to be, how to I want to leave an imprint on this world, etc. It dawned on me today…why does it just have to be for my business? Why can’t these values be for my family, my marriage, my work, every aspect of my life. Why do they have to be separate? Am I supposed to leave the office and transform into a different human after that? That would be hilarious honestly. Be focused, principled, and great at work and then turn into some criminal after working hours? The truth is that it all flows together. I actually just had this conversation with your Mom today about co-building our family’s and marriage’s core values. In your typical Mom fashion, she scoffed at it but I’ll get her to come around eventually. How amazing would that be to have a Sears family core values that we share with each other and you? Every decision we make is guided by that. We would build our life around those core values, teach you and your siblings, etc.? I can’t think of a better vision of a way to teach you these lessons than by living them out in front of you every day of your life. We’ll get there and I’ll share them with you when ready.
Your Dad had a LONG and great chat last night with one of his best friends about you. It felt amazing to talk about you, share all the things about you that made you so amazing, and tell your story. I’m more resolute than ever to finish writing this book for you and for anyone else this could make an impact for that could be going through something similar. Your story will be heard and will make an impact in this world.
I played my first “Real” tennis match last night since the day before you were born. What a fun and crazy match. It was a full 3 set match against a great player and competitor. We had a battle royal. I was clearly out of tennis shape, but I had a blast. There were so many times that I thought about you and how blessed I am to be able to be outside playing a sport I love. I just wish more than anything I could share that with you someday. I was so looking forward to being a tennis Dad (assuming you wanted to play of course) and sharing that passion with you. We would have had so much fun.
Grandma Genie is back in town for your Mom’s surgery tomorrow…please watch over us all and take care of your Mother.
I love you.

Day 92: 6/14/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What’s the name of the woman that refuses to pay her bills? Burnadebt.
Daily Scripture Theme: Tell God How you feel. My Thoughts - Be honest and open with everything you do. Whether that be talking with God, your family, friends, coworkers, etc. The best relationships I’ve ever had were the ones that we actually shared our emotions, fears, goals, happiness, etc. You are doing yourself a disservice if you keep everything in and don’t get it out. People are there to help you.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart: “People have been so kind. I can see sadness in their eyes as they offer to help. There is nothing they can do, but they promise to keep us in their prayers. It helps to know that they care so much. Thank you for the blessing of friends, Lord.” My Thoughts - The overwhelming outpouring of love and support for our family was honestly so hard to deal with at first for me. Every day the mail came I would cringe and run away. I had to carve out hours a day to respond to text messages, email, Facebook, etc. It was so overwhelming. As time went on, I really had to remember the key is being open to receive. While giving is incredible and something I value, you have to be open to receiving as well. If you only give and not receive, you’re denying others of their joy to give. After a while, I become much happier knowing how loved Emilia (and our whole family) were and was incredibly grateful. It really helped me want to write this story for the world to have so we could continue to give back and keep the cycle repeating.
Man, we’ve had just some incredible weather the past few days. I see people everywhere walking around with their children in their strollers. I see Dad’s playing with their children at the park. Sometimes it really sucks knowing that I’ll never get to do that with you and that constant reminder hurts a lot. I’ve been running so much these past few months that I keep imagining training with you in a stroller while running down the street. It would have been a blast and something we could both look back at years down the road if you hopefully remembered.
Your Mom has her big surgery tomorrow. I’m honestly not afraid at all. We went through so much with you that hospitals and medicine no longer freak me out. As a kid, I used to literally have panic attacks whenever we had to go into the hospital to visit family. It was my least favorite place in the world. I hated the smell, the sanitized everything, the death all around me, etc. I would literally not touch anything and walk in the middle of the aisle as far away from everything as I could get. Somewhere along the way the past few months it started to feel like a home with all the time we spent there with you. Now I find myself longing to be there with you next to is in your isolate.
I’m exhausted today, I played pickle ball for 2 hours, landscaped for 4 more, and then ran 4 miles…my body feels broken and I have to get up at 4:30am to take your Mom in for her surgery. I NEED SLEEP.
I love you.

Day 93: 6/15/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: My wife said that quilts are better than duvets…I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that.
Daily Scripture Theme: We Want the Real Thing. My Thoughts - This is about not being afraid to be your true self with God and everyone else. Writing every day to you has really helped me to get out my thoughts and feelings in a constructive manner to both you and God. It feels great to intentionally and daily think and reflect. I often struggle to find a safe outlet and share my true thoughts with someone that is willing to listen to me ramble through what is going on in my head. This exercise has been great and something I hope to continue in some form or fashion throughout the rest of my life.
Empty Cradle, Full Hearts – “Yes, I am angry. How could you take my baby from me? You know how I loved her and longed for her.” My Thoughts - Sometimes I feel like everything I’ve been doing is all a ton of bullshit, and that I’m just making up shit to do to keep my mind off the realization that you are gone. It is really unfair. Our friends seem to all be having children at the same time. I’m so happy for them all, but it makes me sick knowing that they’ll get to have the great pregnancy and newborn experience that our family was robbed of. It really hurts sometimes. It is okay to say this stuff out loud to you and God. Be the real thing like the scripture theme today said. Sometimes the real thing is anger and misery.
I’m going to visit you tomorrow…it’s been too long and I miss you a lot. Time to bust out those photos and cry a ton remembering how amazing you were / are.
Your Mom had her surgery today to remove the tumor on her shin. Luckily it was a huge success and we didn’t have any issues. However, being back in the hospital for the first time brought back so many memories of our time together that I honestly didn’t know how to process it sometimes. As we were in the pre-op waiting room, it felt exactly like being in the ER that day that you decided to come early. Just your Mom and I with a bunch of doctors asking us questions in a small little room. Your Mom on a bed, and myself tucked into a small chair in the corner. It felt so eerily similar. When the doctor’s asked if we had any questions…I honestly just blanked. I couldn’t fathom what could go wrong and I honestly didn’t want to think about it. When you were having anything done, I asked about 5,000 questions. I couldn’t get enough…I had to know what you were about to experience and to try and protect you. This time felt way different.
They put an IV into your Mom’s hand, and her and the nurse talked about the pain she might experience. That brought back so many emotions about how many times they stuck you. You didn’t have a chance to voice your pain, but I wonder how much you felt of it. That must have been so hard for you. Sometimes it was hard to remember that you couldn’t speak and show your pain. You just endured and never quit. Even little trivial things like IV’s I’m sure were really painful and you never had a chance to tell us.
Your Mom went off into the operation room. There I was again, anxiously waiting in the consultation area for a surgeon to come out with the news. All I could think about was how much I wanted this over and to get the hell out of this place. Thank God the surgeon came out and said all went great with no complications. Sitting in post op with your Mom while she was recovering, the nurse put some monitors on for her pulse, blood pressure, and oxygen that was placed on her finger tip. A few times, it stopped working correctly and her oxygen looked like it plummeted down to the mid 80’s (which is where you were all the time). The alarms started going off, first the soft alarm, then the red alerts. It was like we were back in the NICU for a brief few moments. Luckily, I knew what was happening like a true ICU vet. Every time it went off though, it would take me right back to being next to you in your room. What a traumatic time in all of our lives. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to step foot into a hospital again without thinking of our time together in one way or another.
Thank God your Mom is going to be okay. I honestly can’t do life without you and her both. Thank you for watching over her.
I love you

Day 94: 6/16/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because they’d be called bagel if they flew over the bay...
Daily Scripture Theme: It is okay to be extravagant at times. My Thoughts - I’ve spoken a lot about being open to receive from others throughout the past few months. That was a bit of a breakthrough in my own head. Completing that cycle of giving is important for everyone. The one aspect that I hadn’t thought of until know is being a little extravagant to yourself. I always feel so guilty about buying myself anything. I don’t know why either? Sometimes you have to splurge on yourself and know it is okay. A few weeks ago, I bought to pairs of retro sneakers that held a lot of nostalgia for me as a child (the Air Penny 2 and Grant Hill 96’s). I honestly haven’t been this happy in a while with a purchase...I’m so glad I did it and it has brought me a lot of joy. I’d been thinking about buying these for years, but just couldn’t pull the trigger. Sometimes, little rewards like that are important and can be beneficial even if they are only material things. Giving and receiving doesn’t just have to be to others...it can be to yourself as well.
Empty Cradle, Full Hearts – “So few things remain to show she existed: her little hat, the shirt she wore so briefly, the “It’s a Girl” card with her name, birth date and writhe that was attached to her isolate, her tiny wristband, her footprints, and her birth certificate. They all fit into a single envelope, but signify the reality of our baby’s short life on this earth.” My Thoughts - This one hurts a lot…we actually have a TON of stuff that helps us to remember you that we collected during our time with you. The problem is that we have so many things and struggle / fight where and how to display it. For your Mother, she won’t let it move off the kitchen table (exactly where it went the day we came back from the NICU after losing you). She can’t bear the thought of moving all of your stuff to somewhere “final” in her words. For me, I struggle to see all the photos and videos of you as it triggers such traumatic feelings and reminds me so vividly how amazing you were AND that you are no longer with us. Your stuff and memories are caught in a weird limbo. We want it all around us, but it hurts seeing it.
Speaking of completing the cycle of giving, we HAVE to get out these nurse gifts by the end of this week. Beyond that, we really need to make it a goal to get out the thank you cards for all the condolences sent our way after we lost you. We have to complete that cycle of giving. It is so hard to do, but we have to close this chapter. Ironically, I think it took us like & months to send out thank you’d from our wedding...wow...your Mom and I can really procrastinate with the best of them. I hope you wouldn’t have inherited that flaw in our personalities.
How to respond to the question if you have children? This has come up a few times the past week for your Mother and I thought it was worth a discussion. I honestly don’t even know how I would want this handled at this point. That is such a basic and innocent question. I’ve probably been asked that about 100 times before you were born and it never even registered in my mind as a controversial topic. Every once in a while, I’d get a little frustrated that it was none of anyone’s business as I thought they were judging us if we didn’t have kids. Now, I want to tell everyone your story, but that is pretty heavy for such an innocent question. The answer is of course we do have children. However, we are once again trapped between 2 worlds of being a parent with a family and the actuality that we aren’t. This sucks. Basic stuff in life shouldn’t be this traumatic.
My therapist asked me last week about what I envisioned my life looking like when I was ready to resume working. I told her it is felt like an Atomic Bomb went off in my life and the past 2 months I’ve been staring at the rubble trying to make sense of it. I survived the blast, but the fallout was hard to process. I suppose that I have 3 choices to make after such an event. 1…do nothing and live in the mess, feel bad for myself, and never move. 2 - try to rebuild back what was there already as quick as possible to feel “normal” again. 3. Completely reimagine my life and how I want to live it, what’s important to me and my family, and then rebuild in that image. Of course, 1 is out of the question for me (and thank God). I can’t imagine what living that life would be like. I feel so bad for anyone that feels that is their only option. 2 seems to be the easiest solution and probably what most people do. Quickly try to remember what life was like before, and put all the pieces back in its place as best as possible that you can remember. This doesn’t require a lot of thinking, gets you to work right away, and gives immediate comfort. Option 3 is a little bit dicier. This requires a lot of thinking, refection, hurt, pain, happiness, imagination, etc. Sitting and staring at the fallout every day is depressing and can easily slide you into a number 1 scenario. It is also very dicey because you don’t want to look at what just happened to you as an “opportunity” as it certainly isn’t. If I had the choice of bomb or no bomb…. I would take having you in my life every day. At the same time, being able to choose with intention how you will rebuild is a powerful idea. We often don’t really have enough wisdom and self-understanding to build an intentional life from the start. I’m sure where we were before you were born was a mixture of luck, circumstances, self-growth, accident, and a little planning. That is how we created our universe before you. Now that this previous world was blown to pieces, I truly do have the ability to rebuild with a design in mind that I couldn’t have ever imagined before the blast. I think for me…the answer is crystal clear…I choose 3. If this had to happen to all of us, I’d rather at least have it make a true lasting impact on my life than not.
I love you.

Day 95: 6/17/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because they’d be called bagel if they flew over the bay...
Daily Scripture Theme: A guilty conscious is a miserable thing to live with. My Thoughts - Whoa…this lady just dropped a when I was young I robbed my employer, took off, and came clean later on in life before entering the ministry. That’s intense. Talk about white privilege lol. She straight up went to the people she robbed and apologized and “paid them back the money”. They just said…“thank you”. I’m guessing if that was a black dude or Hispanic man that wouldn’t have been the case. Either way, her point is valid. A guilty conscious sucks. I’ve personally never committed any felonies to fess up to like that, but I know that whenever I feel guilty about something it weighs on you like a thousand tons. Be vulnerable and share whether it be good or bad. Getting things out in the open and communicating are the only way to resolve them. Whether that be with God, the person you hurt, etc.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart - "She looked so vulnerable with all those tubes and wires connected to his frail body. I’ve read stories and seen pictures of sick babies like her, but the stories always had happy endings. There was always a miracle for those little fighters, and I believed that was how it would be for us too. I prayed that the medical machines and neonatal specialists would save our baby. Why didn’t they?” My Thoughts - This is such a tough one to hear and reflect on. From day 1, your Mom and I were RESOLUTE that you were coming home and going to be one of those babies that made it. We looked at your cousin Rocco that was born around the same age as you and saw a happy healthy 10-year-old. Looking at him gave us hope that could be you as well. We knew it was possible. As each day passed, we had more and more hope. Your Nurses and Doctors were incredible. Medical advances were the best in history at this point. Sadly, all of that at the end of the day didn’t matter. I still can’t quite figure out how we got to this position. You were so strong, we had everything going for us, and yet we still just became another statistic of a bad outcome. That is probably the hardest thing for me to still stomach today.
I’m thankful to live in a time to be able to visually re-live our experiences together forever. We have so much history to watch in such a small time. Affordable photography...I heard that in my enlightenment now book while hanging with you yesterday. It’s little things like that that people take for granted that we are living in the best time to be alive right now.
I went to visit you by myself for the first time yesterday. I REALLY enjoyed being able to talk to you one-on-one for the first time since the NICU. It felt like we were back together again, just you and I. As I was walking up to your grave, they were weirdly just finishing up installing your permanent headstone. It looks beautiful btw. I hope you like the “and though she be but little…she is fierce” quote we put on there. It truly sums up you in a sentence. You were so tiny and so strong at the same time.
After talking for a while together, I figured we could spend a little time listening to a book I was reading to pass some time. Ironically, it is a pretty heavy content book about the enlightenment in today’s world. I thought that might be a little too much for a baby to take. The truth is…that is probably what we would have been listening to in your nursery anyway. I would have made sure you heard all different kinds of literature, music, etc. I would want you to be as well balanced as possible as you aged. I can’t really imagine that time together was any different than time we’d be spending in real life. Maybe I’ll bring a kid’s book next time though just in case.
It really felt like we were actually together again yesterday. I really missed you. God, I hate not being able to see you.
I love you.

Day 96: 6/18/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day - I was going to tell a railway joke…but I lost my train of thought.
Daily Scripture Theme - Let me see self-control. My Thoughts - Great story about how learning to control your emotions at a young age (or any age for that matter) is incredibly empowering. I’ve spoken about control what you can control a LOT in these past few months of journaling. At the end of the day, the only thing you are in control of is how you respond to stimulus. Knowing that you can always be in control of one thing, your own mind, is incredibly empowering. Throughout this whole journey, it has been a test of self-control from the beginning. From the day you were born, to life in the NICU, to going through losing you, and finally to living life without you. It has been a daily test of stimuli to see how we can respond. I feel like these lessons learned over the past few months will have a lifelong lasting effect on myself and your Mother. Sadly, one of the things I wish I had as a child would have been lessons like this so it didn’t take me so long to figure this out on my own. I wish more than anything that I would have had the opportunity to help guide you through that learning and personal growth journey as well.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart - “Life has changed completely, but somehow it goes on. We are surviving. We don’t understand, but we plod along and living gets a little easier each day. God has not abandoned us; there are pockets of hopeful moments of happiness every now and then. Perhaps they will become more frequent.” My Thoughts - Not all of these are SUPER DEPRESSING :). Every once in a while, you find one that doesn’t make you want to cry. I feel very similar to this sentiment most days, these days. As a matter of fact, I’m starting to feel stronger than I ever did before any of all of this ever even happened. I’m happy because we got to meet you and the impact you’ve already had on my life. I’m optimistic about how I plan to live my life in your honor going forward for the rest of my days. I can’t wait to have more children just like you and have them change my life as well.
Lifetime Sentence - These past few months, I’ve often wondered how people that are in jail for life manage their emotions? For me, knowing that I was locked up and had no freedom every day forever seems like a daunting task. As I’ve been reflecting on our own life, it dawned on me the similarities between our 2 situations. The words, lifetime sentence, doesn’t have to be the negative connotation that comes to mind immediately when you say those words. To me, lifetime sentence, has taken on a new meaning. To me this now means that this is just another piece of my life that will stay with me for eternity. I’m sure if I told one of my friends with healthy children that they would lose a child…they’d have no idea how to process that (nor should they). I’m sure they would think very similarly to my thoughts about being locked up in jail every day and how miserable that sounds. Some people may even not feel like life is worth living going forward. However, I’ve discovered that if you stay focused on controlling what you can control, that you CAN find happiness and joy in probably just about any life situation. Everything we do, or have done to us, is ultimately a lifetime sentence. What’s done is done and we have to figure out how to make sense of what happened, learn lessons, and fold it into our lives going forward each and every day.
Emilia - no lie…I think I’ve read about 10 books (by choice) that I can think of off the top of my head over my ENTIRE life. I’ve actually always been a little ashamed of that. For someone that values learning and growing as much as me…those didn’t seem compatible. Don’t get me wrong, learning has always been a passion of mine. I read a lot of articles, listen to a lot of podcasts, watch documentaries, etc. However, reading books, in particular, has always seemed so boring and awful to me. At the beginning of this year, when setting my goals, I said that I wanted to read 1 book a month. That seemed like a crazy audacious goal for someone that has read 10 books by choice in a lifetime. As of yesterday, I just finished my 14th book of the year (in June) and I’m LOVING the experience. It is like binging on a Netflix series…except I can pick ANYTHING I want. There are so many books out there that it is unbelievable. I can’t believe it took me this long to convert. I’m learning so much, watching TV way less, and it is helping to spur on some very creative thinking and activities. Keep doing stuff consistently, day in and day out, and good things will happen. The compound effect is real and I’m a true believer. This is great lesson for you little one.
I love you.

Day 97: 6/19/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: I found out why nurses carry red crayons. It’s in case they have to draw blood.
Daily Scripture Theme: We are nothing without God. My Thoughts - “Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God”. I’ve thought a lot about this over the past few months. Our world is so complex. Human beings are so complex. Our minds are so complex. The intricacies and design of this world are so amazing that it makes me refuse to believe that man could have had anything to do with it at all. Everything is in such beautiful harmony. If it is not, we’ve been given the ability to reason and problem solve as well…how smart for God to put that in there. It is all so incredible that I’m ultimately led to believe that SOMETHING beyond what any human can fathom hand its hand in building this world we call home. Because of that, we are nothing without that SOMETHING. I will always be humbled and acknowledge that we are nothing without that something.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart - “I heard the birds today. They must have been singing every day for these past 2 months, but today I finally heard them. Maybe I am beginning to live again. I still feel pain and numbness, but I heard the birds today. Thank you, God, for their song." My Thoughts - 2 days in a row for a positive message…lol. This book was something I would joke about with friends over how depressing the messages were and how I couldn’t take reading them. To find 2 days in a row of positive messages is incredible. Maybe I’m just looking for positive messages at this point and it is a self-fulfilling prophecy? On to the reflection, I remember the first 2 days after we lost you so vividly. It was such a struggle to even get up to do anything (clean yourself, eat, anything). I distinctly remember walking outside each day those first few days. The sun was shining, the weather was perfect, I heard the birds chirping and it felt like you were with me. I would look over at the stone cherub, the one we had taken from your burial site and put out on our patio, and it would remind me of you. It was so motivating to feel and hear as I look back and reflect on those days and how far we’ve come. Don’t get me wrong, the rest of the day still SUCKED and sometimes they still do as well. However, I’ll never forget the small burst of energy nature, sun, and the birds gave me to help keep me going and give me the strength to help me take care of your Mother. I feel like that was you helping me. Thank you, sweet baby.
Journey Coming to an end: I was talking with my therapist today and it really feels like this whole journey, or chapter in my life, is beginning to an end. As your original due date approaches, it feels like a natural time to shift out of constant thought, reflection, prayer, and self healing to focus on applying those lessons learned in the world and making an impact. You deserve to have the world know your name and I will be honored to lead that charge. In looking back on these past few months, it's sometimes hard to fathom all that we’ve gone through together and see where we are today. From your birth, to daily life in the traumatic NICU, to your death, and then learning how to live again. It has been an incredible journey that will forever leave its mark on all of our lives. However, as that time comes closer and closer…I find myself growing more and more exhausted. I’ve put everything I’ve had into this journey and went at each chapter full steam ahead. Rest and recovery needs to happen now, but not before we get to that all important original due date of July 13th.
“Pain always leaves a gift”. I heard this quote today from Steve Harvey (the comedian), of all places. It spoke to me about all that has gone on these past 4 months. Not just our experiences in the NICUE, but Coronavirus and Quarantine, to Racial Riots and Protests, to whatever craziness is still to come. So much pain and suffering packed into such a short time period. However, pain always leaves a gift. We were gifted the joy of knowing parenthood for the first time and how AWESOME that was. I’ve been gifted a deeper knowledge and understanding of my life’s mission, my core values, and goals. The world has been gifted understanding and empathy for each other. All of this pain will not be in vain. Something great will come out of this.
I love you

Day 98: 6/20/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What do you do when you’re addicted to seaweed? Sea Kelp!
Daily Scripture Theme: It is what it is, so be happy anyway. My Thoughts - Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Our life is our life. We can’t change it, and I don’t know that I would want to change it. Life isn’t fair and everyone has challenges, trials, and hardship to endure. Progress and problem solving is the beauty of humanity. God has given us the ability to leverage it to overcome the bad. Learn, grow, apply…rinse and repeat. Focus on the progress of where you were and where you are going and life will be a great ride.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart: “I don’t know when things started to change, but gradually I found myself smiling, then laughing, then wanting to be with people instead of dreading it. The terrible pain has lessened to a dull ache. I still have days full of tears, but they are less frequent now. I can truthfully say that I have many days of happiness and joy.” My Thoughts - 3 days in a row of positive messages in this terrible book. I think I’m searching these out subconsciously at this point. Either way, this perfectly encapsulates where I’m at today. Progress…looking back on this whole process this week has shown me the incredible progress that has been made up to this point by our whole family. I’m so proud of us all…especially you.
Father’s Day is tomorrow…I have no idea how to even process this one yet. First thought is this SUCKS. Second thought, I get to celebrate it for the first time because you made me a Dad which is pretty awesome. 3rd thought, I can’t wait to have more kids. 4th thought, THIS SUCKS. 5th thought, I’m so exhausted and tired of having to rationalize and put a positive spin on what should be good and fun things in my head just to get through it. I’m sure I’ll have all kinds of things to say tomorrow about Father’s Day…this is all I have today.
I wonder what you would look like today in an alternate universe where you were in the NICU and progressing on a healthy path? Would the ostomy have been reversed by now? How big would you be now? Would we actually be able to hear you cry because the tubes would have been removed? What would kanagooing look like today? We would be finishing up your nursery. The nurses would be talking about the process on what to do to take you home. Your family might even be able to visit you finally as the pandemic lifted. It would have been so amazing. I truly wonder all the time if that alternate time line really exists somewhere.
It has been days since I walked into a room and saw your Mom uncontrollably sobbing. I can’t put into words how relieving that is to say out loud. I KNOW she still hurts constantly, but we are getting through this together. I’m so proud of her as well. You 2 are both the 2 strongest woman I’ve ever met…closely followed by Big Mama (Your Great Grandma) and you Grandmother (my Mom).
I love you.

Day 99: 6/21/20

I Love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg? Hop-in
Daily Scripture Theme: God Celebrates Your Progress: My Thoughts - “God’s celebrating you as a proud parent every step you make”. This daily scripture was about God celebrating our progress and encouraging us whenever we take a step forward. She likened it to a parent watching a child take their first steps…no one cares if they fall down again…we just celebrate the progress. On this Father’s Day, it is amazing to hear that the ultimate father may actually be pretty proud of ALL of us and what we’ve learned during this whole experience. Even though I may not get to actually be a practicing parent…I AM A DAD! I’ve learned a ton about how to be a Dad, and how to live my life with the lessons I’ve learned from fatherhood already. You have been the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and changed my life forever. Before you, I was just a selfish dude. I don’t know what I am yet now, but I know I’m certainly not that person anymore. At the end of the day, that is progress and I should celebrate it. We have so many other “progressive” experiences to celebrate as well over the past few months. I’ve often felt a little ashamed to feel “progress” through this whole process as it comes at the expense of losing my daughter. I’m not sure how to look at all of this yet, but this was a great reminder that it is okay to celebrate progress sometimes and God is celebrating with us all as well.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart - “They try to show how sorry they are. Some bring casseroles, others look at their shoes and mumble. “Let us know what we can do” they say and really mean it. But this death scares them and makes them uncomfortable. I feel sorry for their discomfort, but I am jealous because they get to go home and hug their children.” My Thoughts - I’m so jealous today. I’m normally never really a jealous person, but today feels a little different. Father’s Day is supposed to be a day for your kids to celebrate you for all you do. I don’t have any kids to do that for me in this world. People are going to send me nice messages today…but they get to go home and hang out with their kids while I go to the cemetery.
I woke up this morning to an alarm, that I didn’t set for 6:30am, which was playing the Sia song that we played to you every night in the NICU. It was the first time I’ve heard that song in weeks. It made me want to cry when I realized what was happening as I opened my eyes. I feel like that was a message from you. I have no idea how I accidentally set an alarm for a Sunday playing that song...it feels like that is something you did :). Thanks for that amazing gift and reminding me that you are alive in some universe somewhere and looking down on me.
Facebook sucks sometimes. Seeing all the posts of people celebrating their Dad’s is gut wrenching. I’m sure I’ll get that one day, but it won’t ever be from you. Sadly, I fear when I do get to celebrate with our children someday that you will be the only kid that I will actually be thinking about because we never really got a chance.
I find it really hard to celebrate my own Father on this day for some reason. I really can’t figure it out. A part of me wants my Dad to be there for me today, and not the other way around. It’s like a reverse Father’s Day because I don’t have a child to celebrate with. After I do my obligatory catch up with him…I get to go home to nothing and that hurts.
On the other hand, I also have a Dad to celebrate with in person. I need to make sure I cherish that as well. Fatherhood is pretty awesome as I’ve come to learn. It isn’t fair for me to take my pain out on him.
Your Mom got me this awesome gift, a Lovesac, for Father’s Day. A Lovesac is like a gigantic comfy beanbag chair (obviously you wouldn’t know what that is). I had been wanting one for a while so we could all hang out in it together and watch movies or just lounge around. I know she got it for future kids to hang out in it, for us to hold them in it, and for everyone to take naps in it. It was a really nice gesture, but it really sucks thinking about not being able to hang out with you and hold you while watching a show or something.
Off to visit with you at the cemetery. I’ve got a new book about building cultures to share that I hope you’ll enjoy. I’ll have plenty to say about our visit soon enough.
Busy day at the cemetery...it’s really hard to focus and have a conversation with you. Cars are driving by every few seconds. I feel like I’m on display visiting my daughter. It’s really hard to focus. As I look around, I see so many people visiting their fathers…which makes sense. I feel like I’m the only father here visiting their child. This is so backwards. Nothing about this seems right at all.
The chair I was sitting in broke.... this is almost comical. The peaceful awesome alone time we had last week is what I was hoping for today…not to be. I’ll just bring your siblings and Mom in the future and we can all talk about you and remember you together on this day. I’ll do a private visit the day before or something so we can talk just you and I.
After the whole day is complete, my vote is that Father’s Day officially sucks. This isn’t a holiday for Dad’s without children. This is a holiday for children with parents, children honoring their parents, or for Dad’s and Children to spend time together and have fun.
I love you.

Day 100: 6/21/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: why can’t you trust large trees? They’re usually the shadiest ones.
Daily Scripture Theme: Don’t let your emotions vote. My Thoughts - follow your principles and not your emotions. Emotions are influenced by outside environmental factors that we can’t control. Emotions are immature. As she says, “We don’t let kids vote because they don’t understand fully. Same with emotions.” Principles are guiding moral compasses. If you always follow your North Star (principles) than you are truly in control and not your emotions. Principles give you the ability to be happy when you’re not. Principles allow you to live your best life. I like to think of principles as the compass on a map. If you feel lost, look at the compass and it will turn you back in the right direction that you are desiring to go. Follow the compass.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart: “My baby was already yours, God. Why couldn’t she be mine for just a little while longer?” My Thoughts - Great question with no answer. There is truly no sane, rational thought that I could come up with where you are better off with God over us at this moment in time. There is also ZERO chance that any of us “deserved” this or something crazy like that. However, one important lesson I’ve learned over these past few months is that God's grand design is so intricately balanced and architected that we can’t possible as humans fathom how and why this all works. We can chip away at the mystery one day at a time. We can uncover underlying principles that we think God used to design this world, but we will never fully UNDERSTAND anything. That is our curse and our gift as humans. That doesn’t mean we should stop trying. To me, this just means that we also have to remember that we aren’t God as we pursue truth.
I’m still not sure how to process yesterday (Father’s Day). Am I a father? I don’t feel like one. I spent time with my Dad and we joked, debated, argued, talked about life, ate, etc. You and I didn’t do that. I stared at a piece of stone and talked to myself at a graveyard. I know that I WAS a father…nothing can change that. I don’t know if I still AM a father right now though.
What is the point of Father’s Day anyway? Is it for Dad’s to feel like parents and spend time with their kids? Is it for the rest of the world to honor “fatherhood” and the important role men play in actively raising our children for the future? Is it for kids to reflect on their Dad’s roles in their lives and say thank you? I’m sure it is all of above in some way. However, none of that pertains to me at all, which is why I don’t think I want to participate in Father’s Day anymore until any of those can be my reality. I don’t want people to go out of their way to send me a token message saying they are thinking of me. I don’t want your Mom to get me a gift to make me feel better. I don’t want people to send messages telling me they are proud of me. That isn’t Father’s Day…that is people feeling sorry for me that I can’t do any of the 3 things I listed above. Last Father’s Day, I also didn’t have any living children either at that time. No one said they were proud of me, sent me encouraging messages, etc. That’s because that day wasn’t about people like me at all. It’s not some birthday or holiday for people to try and make you feel good. If I can’t celebrate it with you…than I don’t want to celebrate it at all.
Writing in the mornings is so much easier than waiting until the nighttime. I think I’ve officially left my “Owl days” and I’m starting to trend more toward “Lark” or “3rd bird” status…Lol. I think that shift officially first starts taking place when you realize that you enjoy day drinking more than being out until 3am. That is when you officially know your “Owl” days are numbered. BTW…none of that pertains to you at all and we wouldn’t be having this conversation until you were at least heading off to college. I will provide you with no context here at all :). Just an interesting thought that popped in my head.
I love you.

Day 101: 6/23/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist…that kid didn’t help me at all.
Daily Scripture Theme: Stop Saying “that’s just the way I am”. My Thoughts – Today’s society seems to really value and over-emphasize the concept of being your “authentic self”. The “authentic self” concept is basically a philosophy of be you and have no shame about it. Ultimately, if you are always your own “authentic self” than you will live a happy and successful life. The truth to me is way deeper. In my opinion, understanding yourself and living in an authentic way is just the start of living a happy and successful life. You certainly need to know yourself and not be afraid to be yourself. That is fundamental and critical. Sadly, a lot of people really never even achieve this. I get why that has been so highly emphasized as of late because you HAVE to know yourself first to do anything else. However, only focusing on yourself is neglecting the other most important thing about being a human, and that is the importance of community, relationships, and the concept that we are all interconnected. When we only focus on ourselves, we are forgetting that we are all connected at the same time and missing out on the exponential growth and happiness that can occur when we all work together. So be you...but also listen, learn, help, give, build together, etc. At the end of the day, you can’t build something truly great without the help of others. Final thought - I’ve spent years thinking and being “my authentic self” and forgot about the fact that we are all connected together. The last few years, and in particular the last few months, have reminded me how truly selfish it is to live life in this way and I am choosing to pursue a higher calling to balance for the rest of my days. Balance of selfless and selfish. Balance of work and life. Balance of giving and receiving. Balance should be the next wave in human evolution.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart: “I don’t know when it happened, but at some point, I realized that thinking of the baby was no longer accompanied by that searing pain, or that dreadful weight, or that grapefruit-sized lump in my throat. I began to smile inside when I thought of her, happy in the knowledge of her eternal existence and the awareness that she is forever a part of my heart.” My Thoughts - I just miss you these days. I was telling your Mom this last night on our walk that, “Seeing people these days no longer hurts for me because I get to tell the story of my amazing daughter and how strong she was and how you are my hero.” I’m more motivated than ever to talk about you and make sure the world remembers your name.
Yesterday I realized just how far apart still, not necessarily in a bad way, that your Mom and I are in coming to terms with our reality and stepping into the next phase of our lives. We were taking our nightly walk and talking about seeing some close friends coming into town the next few days. She then proceeded to tell me about all the triggers she experiences seeing people still and how she is constantly fighting still all day long. Your Mom doesn’t often share her thoughts readily and openly; I was rather surprised by the anger and emotion I heard in her voice about what she is going through. I listened to her and all I could think is that there is so little that I can actually do to help her overall and just how far we have left to go in this grieving process. I thought we had been making some progress these past few weeks, but we still both have a LONG way to go. I still can’t get her to finish your memorial area in the house, clean off our kitchen table with all of your stuff where we left it after coming home from the NICU, put her maternity clothes away, send thank cards to people who helped us, or even send the nurses the gifts we bought them. All this has reminded me how much more I need to still focus on her and continue to patiently walk through this process with her. We aren’t at step 1 anymore at least, but we certainly are still just beginning the mountain climb. I need to remember this and adjust my mindset and actions.
We are getting so close to your due date…YOUR DUE DATE!!! What a crazy journey this has been. You technically, STILL, wouldn’t even be here yet in some normal alternate universe. What a weird and crazy world.
I find it funny looking back at some of the past daily entries. They started off as documenting what was going on all around me as I was observing our new world. They were fun sometimes, sometimes emotional, but mostly documenting what was going on with you and us in the NICU. There was also a lot more “entries” all day long because so much more was going on in life. Now I look at what they’ve become today and they are MUCH longer thoughts about a few bigger concepts and topics. They feel more therapeutic now versus trying to document the craziness of the world all around me back in the NICU. Early on with you…the inspiration to write was everywhere and constant. I often had so much to write that I needed to do it a few times a day. I often forgot to write stuff down all the time because there was so much happening. It’s interesting to look back on all of this and see where we started and where this is going.
I love you.

Day 102: 6/24/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia
Daily Scripture Theme: Eat for God’s Glory. My Thoughts - “Don’t view eating as a secular event that has nothing to do with God.” A little change of pace on this one, but a good reminder nonetheless. Balance is in everything we do. Eating, Exercise, Learning, Working, Thinking, Playing, Boredom, etc. I truly don’t think much about the food I eat other than if I can eat it, I’m a celiac, and will I be full after I eat it. Not appreciating where it comes from, how it was produced, or who made it is something I honestly have never really thought of. I know that eating a balanced diet is important and I do a pretty good job of sticking to it. Thinking of it in terms of overall balance and God’s role in what we eat really hasn’t been a thought until right now. What you eat is important. Thanks for the reminder.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart: “I am amazed by the number of women who quietly tell me of their own lost child. I never knew they, too, have shared this sadness. I have known some of these women all my life, and still I never knew. It is as if we are part of a secret sorority none of us knew existed. They give me hope and courage. They have each lived through this horror. I can too.” My Thoughts - I’ve been blown away by this as well. I feel like since the day we lost you that we’ve been inundated by stories of friends and family that have had still births, miscarriages, trouble getting pregnant, etc. Things that I’ve never had any idea about at all. Normally these things aren’t spoken about publicly. That probably is a problem that we should address as a society. Being vulnerable and sharing powerful experiences shouldn’t have to be hush-hush and talked about in secret. As we are learning, if you’ve ever lost a child and survived…you probably are one of the strongest people I’ll ever meet. There is a lot of wisdom and help that can be shared. I hope in some small way that writing this book is our way of sharing our vulnerability with the world.
I’m staring at your pictures on the wall of the office that I finally had the courage to put up yesterday. I saw the first picture we ever got of you, as you were wheeled away to the NICU, where you put your hand in the air just above all the plastic wrapping they had you in to keep you warm. Your little hand was and your tiny hat was the only thing visible to the world. It was remarkable, and an image that is burned into my mind forever. It was like you were telling us…I got this…no need to worry Mom and Dad. It was a beautiful site. Even though I think about it, I haven’t seen that picture in a while and now I’m starting to regret that as I’m writing this. Why would I not want to see those photos on the wall of you? I’ve constantly thought it was a trigger of the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me that I’d be afraid to look every day. I couldn’t bear to think of walking around our house and seeing images of such a traumatic event all over our walls. It has kept me for months from regularly looking at your photos. In my head, it is so hard to look these pictures and thinking, “There’s my sick daughter that was dying in the hospital.” As I look at it now, I think, “There’s the bravest person I know saying it’ll all be alright Mom and Dad!” What was I thinking keeping those out of sight for so long?
Speaking of your photos, your Mom and I had a huge fight again about them last night. As the fight started, your daily birth time alarm went off with your song playing and it stopped me for a second. I thought about you, how this is a sign that you wouldn’t want your parents fighting over these stupid things, etc. Thank you for doing that!!! Unfortunately, I heard your voice and couldn’t stop myself and still went ahead and kept on fighting with your Mom. This morning it feels pretty shameful. Not only did your Mom and I hurt each other’s feelings…I actively heard your message and choose to disregard it. I’m sorry to you as well. I guess this is the other side of being a parent. We are going to make mistakes and be stupid illogical humans sometimes. We just have to remember to reflect and share our thoughts with each other and try to be better the next time.
Some days you just don’t feel like writing or doing anything. Then you get up, you force yourself to start, and after it is all done you feel much better. I don’t understand why this always has to be so hard sometimes? Who doesn’t want to get their thoughts out of their mind and organized into someway that we can make sense of it in the future? Seems dumb to me now that I didn’t do this my entire life. Think of all the profound or stupid thoughts I’ve had in my mind that are now lost to the myself and the world. Seems kind of selfish.
I love you.

Day 103: 6/25/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: I would like to be a millionaire just like my Dad…He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
Daily Scripture Theme: Be kind and Encouraging. My Thoughts - The old “no assholes” rule. It is great to want to focus on your own growth, learning, better habits, understanding, etc. Don’t force that on others. It’s not your place to try and tell others how to live their lives. Be a great role model and help. If they want to learn more...they will ask. I’ve made this mistake a LOT in the past and continue to make this mistake to this day (a little less). I only want to help people, but I realized that is not the way to truly get people to change. People will change when ready. My job is to be a good person and run my own race until our races are ready to connect and run together (if ever).
Empty Cradle, Full Heart – “The nursery isn’t ready. The can of yellow paint is in the corner of the room. The bolts for the crib are still in their little plastic bag. The fish mobile is still in its box. I didn’t get it done in time, and now I have nothing but time. The baby is not coming home. She’s dead. Why didn’t I finish the nursery sooner? I don’t know what to do now.” My Thoughts - I can’t fully blame myself for this one even though I felt the same. You were born so early and we had NOTHING done...literally… NOTHING! No bags packed, no birthing classes, not hospital plan, no nursery made, etc. I can’t hold myself accountable for all of that. However, it doesn’t change the sentiment I feel every day when I walk into the office, where I’m writing this right now, and remember that it is supposed to be your nursery. It’s like it never even happened sometimes. This is your room...not mine. Your Mom and I comically fought over which room in the house to make your nursery. I didn’t want to give up my office, but I finally relented and was focused on changing the house around to give you that space. Looking back on it now it feels a bit ridiculous as I’d give my life for you...a stupid room is nothing.
Holy crap…103 straight days of writing and reflection…who am I?
Emilia, here’s a good lesson for today. When you do something wrong...just apologize without equivocation immediately. Don’t walk around knowing that you hurt someone and wait until they make the first move to apologize just because they hurt you as well. Just embrace it, acknowledge what you did, your role in the problem, and then be at peace. Don’t expect them to do the same in return. Ff they do...great. This is a lesson your Mother and I haven’t learned in our lives yet, and this is a key lesson you’d need to hold us accountable for as you grew up with us. Fun fact, your Mom and I are probably the 2 most stubborn people you will ever meet in this world. We are both very principled, smart, and are used to eventually getting our way. When we clash, the fallout can be ridiculous. We both know what to do and say to fix it the problem and move forward. Sadly, we typically run to our own corners and stay silent out of principle that the other should move first. Don’t be like us...learn from us and help us to improve at the same time.
I love you

Day 104: 6/26/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What do you do with an Elephant that has 3 balls? Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.
Daily Scripture Theme: Comfort and Encouragement. My Thoughts – “Go to God First.” That is her main message today. If we get upset, mad, frustrated, confused, etc…try turning to God first to calm your thoughts and find a balance before seeking further council. The message back may lead you to someone in your world that can help you or you may find your own answers from within. I like to think of God as your own internal compass. To me, turning to God is really looking to yourself and your core values first. Thinking and reflecting. Trying to make sense of it in your own mind and pausing before taking any action. God gave us the ability to be rational and logical. He also gave us the ability to experience emotions that are not rational or logical. When I find myself out of control with my emotions and needing guidance…look within first and seek your rational and logical mind and “God” may help you to find a better path forward.
Empty Cradle l, Full Heart - “What do you expect of me God? I can only handle so much. I am not strong enough for this. I do not know how to bear it.” My Thoughts - As I slowly start to resume “normal” activities with friends and family, I find myself asking this question more and more regularly on a smaller level. You are still on my mind in everything I do, everyone I see, etc. I was singing in the car on the way home from visiting a friend last night and I just kind of stopped all the sudden and had this overwhelming realization that I’m not happy right now without you. These little moments seem to happen more and more these days. They remind me that this is still REALLY hard, and I have a LONG way to go before I can figure out how to process all of this.
I may look alright, but I’m not alright yet! It’s hard to really describe how I’m feeling right now. It’s like I’m living 2 lives that haven’t figured out how to connect together. One is a grieving father that has experienced some crazy life experiences, and the other is just your Dad from the first 35 years of my life before March 15th. I’m doing more and more things these days that would be considered “normal” in my past life. The more I do, the more I feel like I’m regressing. I see you in everything I’m doing and I don’t really know how to process this. Am I happy, sad, depressed, angry, etc. No emotion in particular really jumps out to me as this is happening, but I know I can feel it. It is like this throughline of you in the back of my mind in every activity I’m doing. I was hanging out with my Godson yesterday and playing a basketball game with him. He was running around and having so much fun. I was having fun as well, but I also would start to think about you all the time while I was performing actions. It’s like my mind would go to another place in the middle of an activity and then come back in to reality or something. That has happened pretty regularly recently and I’m not sure how to process this. It really seems like hanging out with children triggers me the most. I’ll never get to play tennis with you like I was with Katie the other day or play basketball like I was with Archie yesterday, etc. It also happens whenever I’m with friends as well and they start to talk to me like “normal” Chris again. The truth is that I’m not normal Chris anymore. I just really haven’t figured out how to act yet in my new normal. Am I supposed to be a different person? I know in my mind I’m forever changed, but I’m not sure how that is supposed to come across to the world. Like I said, I may look alright…but I’m not alright.
I love you.

Day 105: 6/27/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Why did the man quit engineer school? He couldn’t stay on track.
Daily Scripture Theme: Cast your Care. My Thoughts - Give you fears and concerns to God. Fears and concerns are derived from a lack of control in my mind. When we can’t control what the outcome is, we naturally start to fret over what is to come or what has already happened. Having God there to support you and “cast your care” to is a great way to remind yourself to control your emotions…which is the only thing you truly have the ability to do at the end of the day. In the NICU, your Mother and I used this method every day with our writing and journaling. This prayer book was our reminder to talk to God, stay centered, and focus on the brutal facts that confronted us each minute and hour. It can get exhausting, but the minute you start to think about what is to come vs what is in front of you; that’s when you become paralyzed, scared, and a wreck. Cast your care and stay in the present. This scripture theme is a great reminder of that.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart: “We have so little time with the ones we love. We must make the most of this time together, and we must care for each other. In our mutual loss, may we find a closer bond to one another”. My Thoughts - Every day is magical and should be treated accordingly. There is certainly no longer room in my heart for feeling sorry for ourselves over our circumstances. I know that your Mom and I will choose this path going forward…there isn’t a doubt in my mind.
I’ve always kind of been scared by death. Not necessarily my own, but losing loved ones close to you, aving to adjust to life without them in it, and thinking how would I go on? I’ve lived a pretty blessed life and have avoided any deaths of individuals VERY close to me for the most part to date. Sure, I’ve lost cousins, grandparents, great grandparents, etc. Those all hurt and I grieved for them and my family at the time. However, I also realized that they had all lived a pretty full and blessed life for the most part up until their death. For me, death mainly followed the natural cycle of losing your elders, which made sense in my mind. However, in the back of my mind, I was always worried about have we all just been too lucky? Why has my family been spared from heartache that I’d seen my friends or co-workers go through? Thinking about that potential loss and how that would rock my world would provide a lot of anxiety when those thoughts entered my mind. When is it coming for us I’d think? Immediately I’d pretend I was jinxing myself and try to think about anything other than that. Then, a few years ago, we lost your Aunt Kristie. That was by far the closest person to me that I’ve ever lost at that point in my life. She was an amazing person. At one point in my life, she was a huge role model and caregiver for me and my sister. It hit me pretty hard and made me even more scared of losing even closer friends and family. I honestly didn’t know how to process your Great Aunt Kristie’s sudden passing, and I’m not sure I ever did. I’d have to think too much about what it all meant because she was just out of my day to day orbit enough where I wasn’t being FORCED to deal with the realities of death…so I just avoided it. I had my moments where I would break down thinking about her, but I didn’t really immerse myself in what this means to me for whatever reason. All of this set up brings me to you and the simple thing that I’ve learned about death…I’m not afraid anymore at all. I’ve seen the absolute worst thing that I’m ever going to encounter in my life (most likely), and had to confront all of these thoughts and emotions head on. There was no real escaping this one. It has changed my outlook on people’s lives so much. I look now at how blessed people are to live each day and the lives that they have lived up to this point. When you’ve been able to leave your imprint on this world in some way, shape, or form…you should feel blessed that you had the time to do so. Every damn day is a blessing and should be treated accordingly. Even though your 39 days were so short…each was truly a true blessing in my mind. If we all lived life that way, it would be pretty magical.
I love you

Day 106: 6/28/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Just read an interesting fact - Bruce Lee had a vegan brother name Broco Lee
Daily Scripture Theme: Don’t Fight Correction, Celebrate It: My Thoughts - over the past few years I’ve become much more disciplined and principled in the life I want to live, when we met you...everything changed. I’ve gained so much more clarity on what is important and the way I want to live my life. I also know what I don’t want in my life as well. These past few days, I’ve allowed myself to overindulge in food, drink, leisure, etc. and distract myself from my new calling and goals. In the past, that “relaxation” may have lasted a few days or weeks...I’m recognizing it more now quickly and making sure that I correct immediately. That is something that through God’s guidance and daily reflection would not have been a part of my past life. It is now, and it is to be celebrated vs to feel bad about it and keep spiraling off course.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart: “No one really knows how I feel. They think they do, and they try to understand. But there is only an emptiness filled with sadness. You know me, God. You made me, and you gave me this caring heart. Please ease my pain.” My Thoughts - Don’t try to empathize…PLEASE. You have no idea what my life is like. I don’t want you to explain how you overcame the loss of your (insert friend or relative here). Just listen if you want to be there for me. If not, don’t ask please!!! I have a lot to focus on right now without having to worry about how you feel about how I feel.
I went to a close friends' baby shower yesterday for one of the 3 other baby girls that would have been born within a few months of you. I’m not sure if we told you this story, but 4 of your Mom and Dad’s close friends were also all pregnant with their first babies at the same time as we were pregnant with you. You were supposed to be always be the first born, and they were all going to follow about a month or 2 later (in an alternate universe). It would have been so much fun to raise you all together. As time draws closer to your and their due dates, we are being bombarded with the reminder that this isn’t our reality any longer with these baby showers and impeding healthy baby girls coming. Your Mom wants nothing to do with it all of their baby showers and I can’t really blame her for that stance at all. It is so hard to stare at your friend’s pregnant wife and listen to them talk about life plans after their child is born without a care in the world other than enjoying the process. That is how I always envisioned our first pregnancy and child as well. However, in my mind, I know how amazing you were and what they are about to discover themselves and I want to be there for them for some reason. I feel like it is the duty of a parent to help other parents. I’m not jealous of their lives…I’m just truly happy for them and can’t wait for them to experience parenthood.
Connection - I was listening to my daily mentoring videos and he was going through the 6 keys ways to live to 110 years old. His last of the 6 was connection. He defined this as finding and sharing belongingness with the right group of like-minded people. Like- minded people is the key. I can without a doubt say that after this exhausting weekend of connection, that I am ready to connect with the world again. Your Mom and I both need it in our lives again. We need to be back and a part of our tribe. I also know now, that certain people are not in my connection plans for my new realities that I’m living. I can viscerally feel the difference after hanging out with someone if they leave me feeling energized or not these days. Life is too short to meander through it without direction, to complain about marriage, friends, family, and to not strive to be the best person that you can be, etc. The people that leave me not feeling a shared sense of direction or energy...I just don’t have time for it anymore and it would be disrespectful to your memory to do so. I owe it to you to use my precious time to live the best life I can that was so horribly taken from you (Living for 2).
Side note - I’m tired of hearing we didn’t know what to do so we did nothing. It really just pisses me off at this point. Clearly…they are out of my circle going forward. Thinking of yourself before thinking of our family shows me that you either don’t care about us, or that you are extremely selfish. Either way, those people have no place in our family’s life and our new realty. I’m happy to never have to see them again on purpose.
I love you

Day 107: 6/29/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: With great power comes…A huge electricity bill.
Daily Scripture Theme: Believing when your back is against the wall. My Thoughts - Never quit. Great reminder this morning of the Emilia Rule and #1 principle that guides my life today and forever. If you dedicate yourself to meaningful activities, purpose, and never quit…God will guide you to a victory time and time again when it seems like all the odds are against you. Right now, I have to “never quit” on our dream of parenthood. I have to “never quit” on my dream of running my own business. I have to “never quit” on my dream of being the best Dad and mentor to my children that I can be. Our backs may be against the wall with all of this, but if you believe you will get there, deal with the brutal facts as the come, keep God in your life…good things will happen. Ironically, this all sounds like a remarkably easy formula for success, but very few special people can stick to this plan and have the discipline to stay on track.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart: “I feel so helpless, Lord. I am used to being able to find solutions, to fix things, to make them better. I can’t fix this. I need you, God. What is my solution?” My Thoughts - After we first lost you, I remember sitting with your Mom all day long as her “tsunami waves of emotions” hit her. At first, I wanted to help her solve her emotions and feelings to find a way through, talk it out, and use reason and logic. I quickly realized how not helpful that ways and how little power or control I had in this situation. I’ve always been quick to jump in and find a solution, think of things differently, etc. After banging my head against the wall repeatedly with your Mom. I realized all I was doing was making things worse for her. I realized how far out of my league I was and how much I had to learn still. It was pretty humbling. Slowly I started not talking and not trying to solve things, writing and reflecting more, giving my thoughts to God, and asking for his assistance. Bottom line, there are no solutions here and never will be. This is a new life existence and I can choose to figure out how to live in that world or fight it. Fighting it doesn’t sound like a lot of fun.
The process of pregnancy, in my mind, was supposed to be carefree and easy. The woman complains about how miserable they feel and indulge in cravings. The guys bend over backwards to get the house ready and complain to friends about how bad they feel for their partners. That wasn’t our process. We were under stress from the moment your Mom found out she was pregnant. Multiple emergency room visits. All which culminated in your preterm birth and death of our most precious little baby. Why was this process that everyone else seems to so effortlessly enjoy so hard for all of us? What the hell did we do to deserve this? How can one of the most basic things in humanity be so complicated and different for so many people? I’ll never really understand that at all.
Your Mom went to visit you last night. When she got back, she said that grass was starting to grow over your gravesite. She said she broke down and started crying when she saw it because it reminded her that you’ve officially been buried there long enough for grass to begin to grow. As she was crying in my arms, I looked over at your photos we had put on the wall in the office / your nursery and I felt relief that I could see you in that moment. I was able to stare at your face and remember how amazing you are / were. You were freaking adorable as well. Man, I wish I would get to see what you looked like as you got older.

Day 108: 6/30/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Did you hear about the fire at the campground? It was in tents.
Daily Scripture Theme: Revelation Sets you Free. My Thoughts - Learn / Listen, Think, Reflect, Refine, Do...Repeat. God gave us the ability to better ourselves through learning, problem solving, rationality, self-control, etc. We owe it to God to use these gifts to the best of our abilities. Be careful to not preach to others though as you refine and perfect. It all starts with listening and learning first. This is a never-ending pursuit. You will not have all the answers no matter how long you try and seek them out. The fun is in the pursuit.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart: “It hurts to say, my child is dead. It doesn’t comfort or reassure me. It helps my wife to talk about our baby’s death, but it only brings me pain. I don’t want to talk about it - I can’t. But I haven’t forgotten anything.” My Thoughts - This is like how I feel about your photos and videos. It hurts so much to watch you kick and flail around in your isolate. All I can think is what I lost.
It’s your Grandpa’s birthday today!!! Your Dad is hand-making some pasta for the family tonight for some dinner. 2 things come to mind about this as it relates to you you. 1…would you be a celiac as well? I’ve always wondered. You’d probably eat gluten free because your Mom and I do. However, I hope you wouldn’t have been cursed with this. 2…would you like Italian or Mexican food better? I feel like Italian would win out here, but I personally love them both as well.
Disturbing News Yesterday. Your Mom and I went to go visit a “High Risk Pregnancy Doctor” to discuss our next pregnancies and put together a plan of action to do our best to avoid a similar outcome as your birth. While we were speaking about a plan, I quickly realized that your early birth could have been easily prevented from the sounds of it. By simply regularly monitoring your Mother’s cervix length…that would have prevented it. That’s it…nothing more to it than that. For the first time ever through this whole process…I was irate. There was nothing you, your Mom ,or I could have done. You don’t just go into labor spontaneously without a catastrophic event occurring (car wreck, drug use, etc). Your early delivery could have been detected if your Mom’s OBGYN was closely monitoring her cervix length and then acting accordingly if they saw any concerns. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IT’S THAT SIMPLE????? Why do we have to go to a “High Risk OB” for them to tell us that? Why in the hell do normal OB’s not monitor for these things to prevent this from occurring. I asked our new doctor that and she said “That’s a great question. Unfortunately, I don’t really have an answer for it other than it is rare (Only 10-14% of pregnancies apparently) so regular OB’s don’t monitor it”. How in the hell do we live in the USA, a place where healthcare is some of the best in the world, where 10-14% of all pregnancies could result in a pre-term birth and nobody wants to “monitor” this closely. This got me thinking…why is this the accepted norm at this point? The High-Risk OB made it sound like, “well we don’t really start to monitor closely until AFTER a bad outcome occurs”. Which is why we were in her office obviously. As I pondered why we accept this incredibly high risk, the only reason I can think of is because Insurance providers don’t want to pay for more regular ultrasounds to monitor this closely. When I thought of that…it made sense. Always follow the money. The ironic thing is, your stay in the NICU would have been $1.5 Million if you had stayed the entire time. I thought, Insurance companies wouldn’t want to risk that crazy bill right? Then I remembered that THEY DON’T PAY FOR THE NICU. Medicare (US Tax Payers) covered the cost of your stay. Literally, United Healthcare could care less whether you were born early or not because they weren’t footing the bill. So, the cost of those extra ultrasounds that could prevent 10-14% of preterm births are unnecessary in their eyes. That is disgusting to me. You are no longer here because an Insurance company wouldn’t pay for a few extra $200 ultrasound visits. Sadly, your Mom and I had no idea that we should even be asking for this because it isn’t discussed with first time parents. Her original OB just accepts that as a normal risk at this point apparently. We would gladly pay every dollar in our bank account to have you still here with us if we knew. There needs to be a law where first time pregnancies are required to be treating as “High Risk Pregnancies” no matter what. We should have been told that this might happen, insurance should cover it, and all first-time Mothers treated with extreme caution to avoid any avoidable tragedies in the future. I’m going to figure out a way to make this a reality in the future for all first-time Mothers. I never want to see another family go through this again if they don’t have to.
On the plus side of the visit to the high-risk OB…I’m not worried about the same thing happening to your future siblings. That is such a relief, but makes me sick to my stomach knowing that you aren’t here with us.
This war on “acceptable risk” for pre-term babies is definitely not over. This is the start of a passion project for years to come. I need to spend a lot more time researching and investigating. If my initial thoughts are correct and confirmed, I want to push for legislation to never have this happen again.
I love you.

Day 109: 7/1/2020

I Love you
Dad Joke of the Day: A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for? Plastic Explosives
Daily Scripture Theme: Be open and God will Teach You. My Thoughts - Bias is everywhere. It is engrained in all of us and in everything we do. I’m reading this new book about “Thinking Fast and Slow” which goes through a ton of phycological observations around bias we use every day to “think fast” and to guide our decision making through our unconscious actions. What we should do is stop and leverage our “thinking slow” brain to think and uses our more rational and logical brain to think through a better path. The reason I bring this up is because I’m learning so much about how our environment, past, symbols, etc informs our decision making unconsciously everyday AND how hard it is to recognize it and counteract it with our more rational brain. This is similar to this scripture reading where Nathaniel immediately judged Jesus as “not being a savior” because he was from Nazareth. It gave him an immediate bias to label Jesus as something and dismiss him. Luckily, he was open to think and use his “thinking slow” brain to counteract that thought and meet a man that would ultimately shape his life. We have to be willing to slow down and think a little everyday, or otherwise we’ll be guided and lead by our “intuition” which can easily be manipulated and is often wrong. This can certainly be exhausting, but we will be better for it in the long run.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart: “Yes, I am angry. How could you take my baby from me? You know how I loved her and longed for her.” My Thoughts - This one hits a little too close to home to me today. I’m still pretty furious about what we learned on Monday at the High Risk OBGYN’s office. This could have been prevented. It was the greed of insurance providers that put rules into place that took our daughter from us for a few extra thousand dollars of ultrasounds. I’m Angry…how did we miss this? I’m angry at myself for not reading more books like your Mom asked me to do so I could help ask more thoughtful questions. I’m angry that people we trusted, like our doctors, didn’t bring this up to us at any point throughout the pregnancy. I’m just angry that I learned that this didn’t have to happen. I know that I can’t change anything at this point, but it still hurts to know that something could have been done and wasn’t.
It’s JULY!!!! Your original birth month is here. So many thoughts and feelings surrounding this day and the next few weeks to come. Your Mom went home to visit your Grandma Genie in Texas and was crying to me on the phone today about how she wasn’t supposed to be flying at all right now. The next time she planned to be in Texas was to bring you down for family Christmas. Also, the last time your Mom and I were in Texas, you were with us still safe and sound in her belly last December. She shouldn’t be there right now. We should be stressed out about your arrival and frantically trying to get things done. This whole month is going to be very hard, but we’ll all get through this together.
I’ve decided to not officially return to work until my birthday Aug 3rd so we can finish the first draft of your book and mark an end to this first phase of our life without you in it. It’s only been a few months since you passed, but it is started to feel like a lifetime ago for some reason. It is getting harder and harder to remember you every day and that is scary to all of us. You are always in the back of my mind, but I’m starting to lose that image and recency of activities in the front of my mind. This has been the longest few months of my life. I still don’t know exactly what my life will look like once I emerge from my hiding, but I’m excited and terrified to start the next chapter of all of our lives going forward.
Life Sprinters vs. Marathoners - Your Mother and I were discussing this concept a few days ago and it’s been stuck in my head. The concept is describing people that are with you through everything (marathoners), and others that are there for only a short period of time throughout our life (sprinters). When you are thrown into a situation like we are currently, you quickly learn who is a marathoner and who is a sprinter in your life. It shines a blinding light on the all people for us to see. Marathoners run at us and try to do everything they can to support us. Sprinters disappear and then when you run into them they tell you that they just wanted to give you your space and didn’t know what to do to help. They say, we’re thinking of you and just wanted to let you know they are here if you need anything. That is just a selfish excuse to make them feel better about the situation. The truth is, they don’t care and just want to protect themselves from vulnerability. They don’t want to confront what is happening in our lives because it is hard and would require a lot of effort on their part. That’s totally okay and no judgement on my part. I’ve certainly been sprinters to certain people in my life as well. Sprinters can certainly serve an important role, but it’s on me to recognize a sprinter vs a marathoner and know when they’ve served their purpose and to move on when necessary.
I love you.

Day 110: 7/2/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Why did the Police Officer Stink? Because he was on duty.
Daily Scripture Theme: You don’t have to fear. My Thoughts - Give God your fears so they don’t hold you back from living. What am I truly afraid of right now? I’m afraid of having another child and something tragic happening again. I’m afraid of going back to work and putting myself into something that I don’t really care about and wasting more precious time. I’m afraid that I don’t even know how to work anymore after all this time off. I’m afraid that my business will be a failure. I’m afraid that my wife will never be happy again since we lost you. These fears aren’t going to go away, but with time they will be eased once I start working on all of these things. Giving them to God will help me to get started on the tasks at hand vs being paralyzed and stuck in the same spot.
Empty Cradle, Full Heart: I think it is time to take a break from the Empty Cradle, Full Heart book. It has served its purpose over the past month + since I started reading it regularly. At first, I was super scared to open it up because all the quotes and passages were so raw, real, and emotional. It transports you back to the moments right after all this happened. It made me HAVE to think about your actual death. That hurt and was helpful at the same time. I’m no longer shocked and want to cry every time I read a passage like I first was when I we were sent that book. That tells me that this is no longer adding the value that it once was to my healing process. It is time for a new tradition to emerge the last few days of daily entries. I’m not totally sure what that is, but I think it should be something positive and uplifting.
I’m starting to feel a little lost Emilia. All this learning, thinking, writing, and reflecting is making me feel stuck. I’m not sure what I’m working toward or for anymore. I need to go and visit with you again, have a talk, and regather my thoughts on what is important in life again.
I also think I want to go and visit the NICU and your Nurses here soon as well. They were some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met at the worst times of my life. I don’t want to lose that connection to them and yourself. Felicia and I have to finish the book, their gifts, and the thank you cards for everyone that helped us through this whole process.
I’ve been wanting to write this for the past few days, but I wasn’t really sure where to fit this in so I’m just going to go for it. In sticking with the Atomic Blast theme, I wanted to take it back to those first few moments and days after the Blast hit and we realized we survived. The moment we knew you were gone you’d think would be filled with chaos, sadness, despair, etc. Oddly, the moment after our blast hit…I felt relief. Relief for your pain, relief from this whole process of being in the NICU, relief for your Mother and our family. I felt calm, still, and at peace. It was really the next few days that the paralyzation, despair, inaction, questioning, anger, etc all started to set in. Those first few moments after, I think we all realized that a HUGE chapter had just ended in our lives and that didn’t feel all that bad. The first few days and weeks of staring out over the destruction are so overwhelming and hard to even put into words. It’s like nothing really matters at all and never really did. Your body is physically here, but your mind is blank and somewhere else. We just stop moving and sit in the destruction and rubble. I wonder how many people that have gone though similar experiences are still sitting in that rubble today and never go out of it? I don’t blame them one bit if that is case. What do you do when you realize that your whole world just got shattered into a million pieces? It is hard for a person to even fathom that and see anything but sadness and hopelessness. You have to question your whole existence and be willing to be brutally honest about your life, where you were, where you are currently, and where you want to go. That is not easy.
I love you

Day 111: 7/3/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Why don’t melons get married? They Cantaloupe.
Daily Scripture Theme: Seeing Yourself Properly. My Thoughts: "Who are we in Christ?” That is the question she poses for us to consider. You aren’t just you, your actions should be reflected by who we want to be in Christ. Use that as our anchoring in life and how we want to live. Living in Christ to me means giving more than we take. Spreading whatever talents and gifts God has given to us with as many people as we can. To never stop learning and improving. To better ourselves every day to make our disbursement of our talents more impactful. Remembering our “Why” in each and everything we do. When we are anchored in “Christ” and the ideas of humanism, charity, love, etc…that is a powerful ally to help us on our mission. Side note - I still find it so hard to not challenge the words “God” and “Christ” when I’m reading scriptures and interpretations. I know we have to put some name to the feelings and teachings to make it easier to understand; however, I struggle with defining this so easily by a single word. I realize that makes it easier for the masses to consume the message, but it still bothers me sometimes. It makes me feel like someone (at some point in time) thought we all were not smart enough to realize that there is a deeper meaning to the words “God” and they would have to dumb it down for us so we can understand.
The Universe Message - “Actually, if it was any easier, it wouldn’t be worth it. You’ll See”. My Thoughts - This has to all be worth something and I can’t wait to figure it out. The “cost” of losing you is immense. It is literally the most expensive thing I’ve ever owned and lost. If regressing to the mean implies that it is HIGHLY unlikely that things can get much worse…I’m anxiously awaiting to see the good luck that comes this family’s way.
My sister gave me a new book to read called “Option B” by Sheryl Sandberg. It’s about a woman that lost her husband suddenly and whole life got thrown upside down. I’m only a chapter in and I think I’m really going to like this one. This is my first “grief” book I’ve picked up. Your Mom has bought and read so many already. Me... I’ve stuck to business and phycology books (my safe space) during these past few months. The good news is that she co-wrote this with one of my favorite phycologists, Adam Grant, so it’s a good mix of all worlds for me. This is definitely out of character for me, but I’m looking forward to trying.
Some concepts in the first few chapters that I can’t wait to write more about…hearing "I can’t imagine” from everyone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Post traumatic Growth and PRE-Traumatic Growth. Misery’s shadow- the fact that you don’t just suffer, but that you have to think about the fact you are suffering. Regression to the mean… suffering, aging, sickness, and loss are inevitable. Our child dies a second time when no one speaks their name. The mum effect...pretending it didn’t happen. WE WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOU!!! So much more to come I’m sure.
Let’s start today with the concept of Regression to the Mean. This will be a fun take on 2 books I’m reading currently together (Thinking, Fast and Slow and Option B). Regression to the mean is the phenomenon that arises if a random variable is extreme on its first or first few measurements but closer to the mean or average on future measurements. Losing you is an EXTREME event. I often wonder how many people actually lose children at such a young age. I struggle to even want to find the answer because I don’t really want to know how unlucky we truly were. In Option B, Sheryl talks about Buddhist’s culture of acknowledging that sickness and loss are enviable. It will happen to all of us at some point in life. This is the law of entropy. When we combine those 2 elements together, it gives me some hope to know that I’m going to experience loss and it can’t ALWAYS be as extreme as what happened to you in your short life and death. Eventually, your Mom and I will regress back to the mean which means we are due for some extreme good luck. I know this really means nothing in the grand scheme of things as I don’t really want to learn these lessons. However, it is helpful for my brain to remember that laws of life exist AND we can’t do ANYTHING to stop them. Once we accept that, it provides a little bit of comfort and relief. Also, if I’m being brutally honest, my life had been pretty damn good up until the day we lost you and I was bound to regress to the mean of both sides of the spectrum. That was the universe checking me hard. I don’t think any of us deserved THAT…but lesson learned from both sides of the equation.
I love you

Day 112: 7/4/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Just saw 2 birds stuck together on a branch of a tree…a pair of Velcrows obviously.
Daily Scripture Theme: Confrontation can be loving. My Thoughts - I think it may be time for your Mother and I to have a confrontation of sorts. We need to get back on the same page. It feels like we are drifting into different paths and neither of us wants that. I’ll try to set up some time to have a productive conversation when she comes home. I need to take some action before we both feel more lost. We have to be in this together.
The Universe Message: "The more you find good in another, the more you will find good in yourself.” My Thoughts - I need to specifically remember this one about your Mom. She is amazing and brings out the best in me always. While we need to have a “talk”; it doesn’t have to be a battle as she is an amazing person that is hurting really bad right now.
Happy 4th of July. I wish you could be with me hanging out at the lake house. You would have had so much fun down there, and I would have been a nervous wreck around you and the water. I would never let anything happen to Daddy’s little girl.
Speaking of the 4th. With all the rockets and fireworks exploding everywhere, I wonder what you would have thought of them? For some reason, I feel like you wouldn’t care either way at all. After all you endured in the NICU and always just kept on rocking and rolling…I can’t imagine a bunch of booms would have even woken you up from a nap. I was always pretty terrified of fireworks as a young kid until I magically wasn’t anymore. I honestly don’t really remember when that change even happened. I remember watching the big fireworks downtown and that anticipation of the next big boom after you heard it shot out the cannon. The anticipation was always the worst part for me. Ironically, I’m still incredibly impatient so that makes sense.
I miss your Mom a lot. I’ve already lost you and I can’t bare the thoughts of losing your Mom as well from this tragedy. Your Mom is really hurting and went home to Texas try and “get away” for a few days so she can be around people who will comfort her all day. It feels like she is slowly slipping away from me. Every time we talk about ANYTHING…she starts crying it seems. Something will trigger her about you and she will just go blank and stop talking or start crying. I immediately know what I did and it is about you. Just talking about your cousin Katie, some family event, hanging by the pool, ANYTHING...she’ll find a way to trigger a bad thought. Then…BOOM…I’ve made her feel like crap. I honestly don’t know what to do? She won’t come with me to anything really that isn’t just us two. It just feels like she is stuck in quicksand and is slowly slipping away. I’m starting to get a little afraid for the first time that our marriage may be in trouble. I don’t think we are there YET…but it feels like it is on that path.
Speaking of your Mom. When she is away from me; I’m a mess of a human being. She makes me a better person. She’s pretty awesome and you would have been best friends. This whole week without her has been miserable for me. I physically feel like a different person. I’ve been angry, sad, depressed, etc. She is my emotional rock and without her it feels like I quickly fall into a pit of destruction. I hate life without her and you. It’s miserable enough without you. I have no idea how I’d do it without her.
Final thought on your Mom tonight. I’m really getting tired of answering the question…”Where’s Felicia?”. Every time I answer, "you know.” They always go, “we get it, she needs time to heal”. They have no idea. Not only am I tired of answering it in general; I’m tired of her not being with me as I try to brave the world of people and get back to a more normal existence. She is my running mate, my rock, the person who can protect me when I get overwhelmed. Without her, I start to feel like a jerk when I can’t handle it all myself and I end up not saying or doing the right thing. It’s like a double whammy at this point. I feel like I let the people down I’m around, and I’m alone at the same time.

Day 113: 7/5/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: The term Dad bod is offensive. I prefer father figure.
Daily Scripture Theme: Confidence leads to Reward. My Thoughts - “If you believe that you are doing what God wants you to do…then just do it”. What a great reminder today. I’ve been losing some confidence these past few months of waiting and healing. I’ve wondered what all this is for and if I was doing the right things with my life? However, I believe that God WANTS me to write this book to spread the message of your story to the world. This is the most important thing for me in the world right now. Just stick to the plan and it will all work out.
The Universe Message: If you only knew how many miracles you’ve already preformed, nothing would ever again overwhelm you, frighten you, or seem impossible. My Thoughts - Geez…I really need these positive thoughts. So much negativity in my head the past week. It is so nice to think about things like how far we’ve all come in life, build our reserve of resilience for the future, etc. God know we’ll need it eventually at some point. Keep them coming Universe. Thank you
"So…do you have any kids?”…I get this question pretty regularly these days it seems. It happens a lot when I’m playing somebody new in Tennis especially. I feel like your Mom and I have always gotten this question a lot in the past given that we’ve been married for 8 years and are now in our mid-30’s. It only seemed natural for people to ask. I never thought twice about these words before we had you to be honest. I know some of my friends may get offended by the question in general as it is every person’s right to have and or not have children. It can be a deeply personal question that is thrown around pretty cavalierly. However, these days, whenever I get this question I freeze up. My mind goes blank and I have no idea what to say. The first few times I tried to respond I said something like, “Yes and no. I have a daughter actually, but she isn’t alive anymore. She was born super prematurely and lived for 39 days in the NICU until a tragedy happened and we lost her. It’s been a pretty traumatic few months and we miss her a ton.” Basically…WAY to descriptive in my opinion for someone you are just really meeting for the first time. That would be followed up by them looking so awkward and visibly embarrassed that they had just nonchalantly asked this question. They would then immediately feel bad about asking, tell me how sorry they were, and things would just get more awkward. It’s like my mind would just go blank when they asked. I would start spewing words because I had no idea what to say myself. Such an innocent question normally that is anything but innocent for our family these days. As time has gone on and I’ve gotten this question a handful of times now, my answer has turned into “Yes, I have a daughter, but unfortunately she tragically passed away.” It seems that has worked way better for all of us involved. If they want to know more…they can ask. If not…they quickly say I’m so sorry and we move on.
This week just sucked. THANK GOD YOUR MOM IS COMING HOME TOMORROW. I’m so miserable without her. A week away has felt like an eternity. I don’t think I’ve ever really realized how much I need her. I even made your Great Grandma upset at me somehow. I’m like her golden child, and I don’t think she’s EVER been angry at me in 35 years. You know I’m a little off when I’m upsetting her. I hate feeling like this.
Hot tip for you little one…if you read a lot of new things, you don’t need to tell people what you learned all the time. Let it naturally come through normal conversation in time. Even if you are armed with more knowledge…not everyone wants to hear it.
I’m exhausted.
PS - Hamilton sucks. Way overhyped and Juan Manuel Miranda, the dude who plays Alexander Hamilton, was the worst performer by far in the show. I’m sure if I saw this in-person that I’d be blown away. On TV, it was just a story about some boring old white dudes from the 1700’s done to a rap. The King of England character was pretty hilarious at least. Rant over.
I love you.

Day 114: 7/6/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Did you hear about the mathematician that hated negative numbers? He’d stop at nothing to stay away from them.
Daily Scripture Theme: There is always a way. My Thoughts: Man…I do love the universe when it sends me the messages that feel tailor made for me on a day like today. This is the Emilia Rule plain and simple…never quit. All the reading and studying I’ve done over the years literally amounts to this one fundamental rule. Keep doing stuff, never quit, and you will have success. The more you do, eventually something good will happen. This is basically Malcolm Gladwell’s “Outliers” and his 10,000-hour rule. Adam Grant’s “Originals” and findings that the key to success is the sheer volume of things you produce. Daniel Kahneman’s “Thinking Fast and Slow” law of small numbers (the larger the sample size the more accurate the results). The “Go Giver’s” law of if you want more success…find more people to serve. Ben Horowitz’s “The Hard Things About Hard Things” thoughts around CEO’s that have succeeded say it is because they never quit. I can go on and on. This is such a fundamental element of life and probably the most important thing. The more you do stuff, the more likely you are to EVENTUALLY get great some great outcomes. It is so hard to keep with stuff in which you don’t see the rewards immediately, or even over a few years. However, it is a FACT that the more you do, the better you will get in anything. Eventually some luck will occur and you will have a breakthrough. Then everyone will say how amazing you are and how you came out of nowhere, etc. The truth is that you have been practicing, reading, studying, thinking, doing, trying, and refining for years and finally achieved something people noticed. That is really all there is to it.
The Universe Message – “Thoughts become things…choose the good ones.” My Thoughts - You have the control each and every day to wake up and think happy thoughts or dark thoughts. The key is…it is your CHOICE. Your environment doesn’t dictate your mood. Some remarkable people living in concentration camps were probably happier than most people will ever be in their lives because they weren’t victims of their environments. NO ONE can control your thoughts but you. That is God’s ultimate gift to us. Use that power for good and not evil.
Your Mom and I are going to visit you today. I’m picking her up from the airport and we are stopping immediately to see you. I’ll grab some flowers, bring our new chairs that we bought, and come hang out with you for a while. It’s been too long.
Writing and reflecting everyday first thing in the morning really does have a great impact on my day. This past week, I’ve felt like hot garbage the whole time. I’ve been missing you a ton. Missing your Mom while she was away. Thinking I’m a bad person and letting everyone around me down. Letting my thoughts get the best of me, etc. Sitting down for 30 minutes to think about some positive messages, reflect on my own thoughts, etc re-energizes me every time. I think that we can easily get stuck in the same thought loop over time which gets so hard to break (that’s probably what depression really is). The stress and anxiety builds and compounds on itself. Then, before you know it, you are having a full on break down. This is the best way I’ve found to intentionally break that negativity loop. Start your day off right with some positive messages and get your brain thinking with some good and intentional thoughts. For years, I’ve spent my mornings listening to podcasts, inspirational messages, etc and that has helped to calm my mind for that time period that I was listening. However, I never took it a step further and started to actively reflect on what it means to me in the moment and write it out. That has been game changing for me through this whole process. I think in the future that I will always try to keep this daily habit in some form or another.
WE HAVE TO FINISH YOUR NURSES GIFTS…TODAY!!! We need to close that chapter and then we need to go visit all of them to say thank you again in person. I really miss them. They were becoming like family. They saw us all at our most emotional times in our lives. Then…poof…they are gone. I want to make sure that we keep that connection going forward. They were amazing people.
“I can’t imagine”. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this statement from people we’ve encountered since this whole thing started back in March. They can’t imagine…well WE can’t imagine either. The only difference is that we have to live it and they can’t even bring themselves to think or reflect for 5-10 minutes to “imagine” what we are going through. What happened was so extreme and awful that 99% of the world doesn’t even want to spend 10 minutes to imagine how much our lives suck and what we lost. In all fairness, I used to say the same things because it is true. Who wants to imagine the WORST thing that has ever happened in your life up to that point? Why would you willingly subject yourself to that? Well…there is a light at the end of the tunnel for me, as for the rest of my life, I won’t have to imagine anything when tragedies strike anymore…I KNOW. Tragedies, while awful, don’t have to define your existence. Extremes are rare. The lessons learned in extremes are also rare. Knowledge is power. Combining all that together, we all just become more knowledgeable than 99% of this world the past few months. Everything has some silver lining at the end of the day I suppose.
I love you.

Day 115: 7/7/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: What is a highlighters favorite Twister Position? Knee on yellow.
Daily Scripture Theme: Never Give Up on Those You Love. My Thoughts - Great timing again. The past week, while your Mother was out of town and we were both “separated” for a short time, it really felt like this may be the very beginning of those dreaded early stages of when couples who lose children slowly start to drift a part. I was frustrated by constantly having to go to events with friends and family without her and feeling left on my own island to deal with realities of our new life alone. She was frustrated by just wanting to be left alone to cry and how she feels like I’m adding to her misery. It just felt like we were starting to drift in separate paths and we were moving in the exact opposite direction. I was honestly scared, and it made me really angry all week. I didn’t want to slowly watch the most important relationship in my life wither and die. Yesterday, I started to look at some pictures of our life together through the years and it reminded me who your Mom and I are together as a couple, how amazing she is, and how much more we still have left to do together. My attitude seemed to change almost instantly after that. I’m never going to give up on her. You don’t give up on those you love no matter how hard things get. It’s the ultimate Emilia Rule. Like it or not, we are in this together forever. We have no choice but to figure this out. Fun story (joking), I learned this lesson really early one with one of my best friends that had fallen into a crippling drug addiction that was spiraling his life out of control. He had been abandoned by his family, all of our other friends, and basically written off as someone who was destined to destroy themselves and their life. However, something in me told me to never quit on him and be that person that tries to help him rediscover himself. I brought him into my home, gave him somewhere to stay, food to eat, a car to drive, time to heal, a friend to talk to, etc. After a few months, he was starting to become himself again…12 years later he is still clean and back to being mostly the person that we all knew and loved before his terrible addiction took hold. This was an important lesson to learn for myself at such a young age. Don’t ever give up on the people we love and that matter to us. Besides you…your Mom is #2 on that list forever and ever.
The Universe Message - “Want to know a secret? Everything in your life is a symbol. A reflection. A Clue. A Reminder. Of what you understand, and of what you don’t, made manifest. Look to the beauty for truth. And to what hurts, for its beauty.” My Thoughts - Think, reflect, and observe the world. When we sit back to observe, listen, and watch… sometimes we find the answers we are looking for. They may not be right the first time, but just keep thinking and eventually you will find the answers you seek with the help of God, the Universe, Nature, etc.
I swear, a few days of positive messages can really have a dramatic impact. I feel better than ever and like all of this is starting to make some sort of sense. All the work I’ve been doing is beginning to have a benefit, and I feel ready to make an impact on this world again. It’s not lost on me that all of this was built on destruction, but sometimes the most amazing worlds are built on destruction. Hell, our own country was built of war, slavery, racism, etc. It is a said origin story that should never be forgotten but that shouldn’t take away from what was built on top of it either.
Before I picked up your Mom from the airport yesterday, I made sure to pack 2 chairs, went to the grocery store to grab some flowers, and brought her a favorite drink she loves. My plan was to immediately go to the cemetery to be together as a family. So I picked her up, and we went straight to you to bring you some flowers and have some family time. I’m really glad we did that. As we were sitting there, it felt different than the past few times we had gone to see you. I didn’t feel lost this time. Every other time I’ve gone to visit you it was because I felt a little lost. This time, I felt at peace and was happy that we were all together. I don’t think I had a sad thought while being there at all. It just felt like our family was catching up and almost “normal”.
Only a few more days until your due date…so many emotions to work through. I can’t believe how much time has passed since we lost you. So many more thoughts to come in the next few days.
I love you

Day 116: 7/8/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: How do you get a country girl’s attention? A Tractor
Daily Scripture Theme: You were made for something more. My Thoughts - "Don’t be an Eagle stuck in a Chicken Cage.” This is a great reminder for me that you need to pursue your dreams and never get down when others try to tell you that you are a chicken. For years, I’ve been trying to leave my corporate life and start my own business. I’ve invested tons of time, money, effort, thought, reading, learning, and doing into that process. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to break through yet and exit the corporate world on the terms I was seeking. Just yesterday, I received some crappy news from an investment firm that I’ve been in discussion with for 6 months that they are declining to fund my venture. I thought this was finally the solution…I thought I had finally found the match I was looking for and vice versa. Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be. Luckily, over the years, I’ve learned a very important lesson and that is NEVER GIVE UP!!! I’ve since dubbed this the "Emilia Rule” in my personal and professional life. Watching you every day never quit in the NICU really brought it all home for me about what life is about. When you are dealt some terrible circumstances, embrace it and keep fighting. Eventually you will get to the outcome you seek (one way or another). Each time I’ve “failed”, it has forced me to look deeper in myself, better understand my mission, clearly articulate the vision more, etc. I’m getting closer and closer each time and I know that if I never give up…eventually something great will happen.
The Universe Message: "The older the soul, the softer the glance, the quicker the smile and the sooner to say “I love you.” My Thoughts - Wisdom. It can only come with time and experience. Sadly, I’ve been “blessed” with a lot of experiences recently that normal people my age aren’t supposed to understand. That allows me to understand and appreciate this message more and more everyday. I find myself quicker and quicker these days of processing the “negative” emotions in my mind that I experience and jump way faster to a smile, understanding, and appreciation for what this world offers. When we are young, I feel like we mainly focus on processing thoughts, emotions, and experiences with our “Intuitions” which can only be guided by the experiences and patterns our brain has seen in the past. As we getting older, more wise, and learn more etc…I think our intuitions change as we explore more and more thoughts and experiences over time. These inevitably lead us to the conclusion that life is all about human connection, making an impact on the world, helping each other, seeing each other be successful, sharing knowledge and experience, and smiling. I’m learning this more and more every day and can’t wait to learn more as time goes on. Life is too short for hate, anger, sadness, bitterness, destruction, etc.
Emilia, you’d be so proud of me I think. Yesterday, your Mom was having another breakdown and I handled it about 75% correctly this time (I think). Still a long way to go, but I’ve made a TON of progress in my comforting, listening, and understanding skills. I’ve spent my whole life avoiding these lessons and actively NOT trying to acquire these skills. It has been incredibly hard to break bad habits and will still be going forward. However, the more I practice, the better I become, and the more I can help your Mother grieve during this process. For the first time, I feel like I didn't make things worse and she actually spoke unprompted for 10-15 minutes without me trying to find a way to get her thoughts out of her. Of course, I made a mistake at one point, but I quickly counteracted it with my new learnings so it didn’t derail the progress. It felt really good to be of actual service to your Mother. I’m finally starting to figure this all out.
I love you

Day 117: 7/9/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Today I saw a very small man climbing down a prison wall. That’s a little condescending.
Daily Scripture Theme: The Right Perspective on Fear. My Thoughts - “God makes us stronger and stronger as we go through things”. She likens doing things we are afraid of to exercise. The first few times you try anything…it is going to hurt, be painful, and you won’t be good. Keep at it. Embrace the fear and thank God for giving you the opportunity to take it on. There are so many things that I’ve been afraid of in my life. Every single time that happens I just start somewhere, eventually the desire to not suck kicks in, and I run at it full steam ahead. The hardest part is literally starting anything. The next hardest part, for me, is not stopping. I’ve had a “goal” of running a 6-minute mile for 2 years. I wrote it down and thought about it for 2 years. I train every day. I run all the time. I’m in the best shape of my life…and I know I can do it. However, I literally haven’t even actually “Tried” to run a 6 minute mile once in 2 years. I think I could literally master this one in a week if I actually tried to focus on it. For some reason, I’ve been afraid to actually take it on and make it official. I think this next week I’m going to try and see what I can do officially.
The Universe Message: "Best I can figure, the reason some get down and out, lose motivation, and watch too much TV is that they’ve somehow forgotten just how fast things can change, and they’ve yet to discover just how good they can get. Even YOU are going to be surprised." My Thoughts - I really needed this message today. Sometimes it feels like you are stuck in limbo on a project forever and then all the sudden it starts to come around and you look back and realize…what was I waiting on all this time. It really can change so quickly. Sadly, when we get stuck it can feel like an eternity and eventually makes us want to quit and move on. Keep going and fighting and eventually good things will happen. It has to…the law of large numbers. The more you do…the more likely an extreme outcome has to happen.
Only 4 more days left. I remember when I looked at that stupid Daddy app your Mom had me download the day you were born and it said 119 days until due date (July 13th). I thought to myself, holy shit, 119 days of all THIS. “This” meaning being the NICU, running back and forth from the hospital, life and death situations daily, coronavirus raging all around us, etc. Every time that daily reminder popped up about the remaining days to your original due date for the first few weeks, it would give me anxiety thinking about the mountain we still had to climb together to get you out of here and home to us. Eventually I just deleted the app and focused on each day with you and I haven’t really looked at it since. However, as we are at day 117…it is starting to hit home that the original insurmountable 119 days is actually almost up. We’ve fought, scratched, and clawed every step of the way up this mountain the whole time. The worst part is that you aren’t here with us to get to the top and come home. I never imagined these last few days before July 13th I’d be doing what I’m doing right now and writing about our time without you and “our recovery” from losing you. This was never the plan. I was so RESOLUTE that you were coming home to us that this thought never even crossed my mind. As we get closer and closer to that mountain top we first saw on March 15th, I don’t really know how to process what has happened and how to feel about this whole journey. I’m sure I’ll have a ton of thoughts to come, but as for right now, I really have no idea how to feel about this whole thing.
I’m so ready for this whole process to be over. I’m ready to start to really get to work on this book for you so we can get your story out to the world. It’s the last mile of the marathon and I can see the finish line, but I’m just so tired. I’m out of ideas to write about. I’m out of deep insights to share with you. Nothing monumental is happening each and every day anymore. We are just living our new “normal” lives and I’m exhausted from writing every day. These journals started as a way to document what I was seeing in the NICU for you to read through someday. They became a way for me to process my emotions after you passed away. Now they feel like a job that I have to do every day. I used to write for maybe 20-30 minutes a day. I feel like it is 1:30 everyday now. Each entry gets longer and longer. They also seem to get less and less valuable for the audience I want to see this. Maybe this is really the next chapter…boring old normal life again without you. All the inspiration (happiness, joy, sadness, pain, anxiety, etc) that you brought is just nothing now. That might be the worst of all. The most inspirational thing in my life is gone and I’m back to blah.
I love you

Day 118: 7/10/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: How did Egyptians select the next pharaoh? It was a pyramid scheme.
Daily Scripture Theme: God is with you. My Thoughts – “God gives you the strength and courage you need to fight through your struggles and tackle your biggest fears and challenges.” I’m really torn on this message. I think God provides us the opportunity and the ability to understand ourselves, learn, and improve to fight and be courageous. Just saying that God GIVES us that ability could be misconstrued so dramatically that people are blindly willing to fight wars, kill others, etc. all in God’s name because he gives them courage to fight and be brave. I don’t disagree with the message that God is with us. He is with us to help us discover ourselves, but it is our own thinking and learning that will bring us to the decisions to be brave and courageous and not blindly following someone else.
The Universe Message: "Whether it’s praise, love, criticism, money, time, space, power, punishment, sorrow, laughter, care, pain, or pleasure…the more you give, the more you will receive.” My Thoughts: Since we met and lost you, I feel like I’ve experienced every possible human emotion in a very short time span. Every time my negative thoughts have had an extended stay…the rest of me has felt like overall crap. Whenever I focus on learning, growing, positive messages, listening, understanding, etc…my mind, body, and universe feel in harmony. Without a doubt, I will stay focused on this path as much as possible. If I feel myself slipping, I will set some daily reminders like writing and reflecting to quickly counteract hopefully. I’d rather put more of this positivity into the universe than negativity.
3 Days to Go!!! - This is so bittersweet to me. This should be some exciting times for our family. They only thing I’m really excited about it wrapping up this project at this point.
Remembering Self vs. Experiencing Self. I recently came across this concept of our 2 selves, our remembering self and our experiencing self. The studies concluded that our experiencing self is pretty indifferent in the moment to what is actually going on in our reality. What we REMEMBER, the story we tell ourselves, is actually the most important things for our minds. We love to tell stories as humans…it helps us to make sense of what happened to us. As it turns out, when we are remembering, we really only tend to focus on Beginnings, Peaks, and Endings of everything we experience. Duration really doesn’t seem to matter much, and time apparently really has no impact. Endings in particular are critical to how we judge an experience apparently. If it is a positive ending, then we typically remember the whole experience in a much more positive light. This made me think of our time together and how our time ended together in particular. In retrospect, I’m so grateful for the shared experience we all had when you passed away. We had 5 amazing days together as a family where we finally got to all physically be together, got to cherish you, talk to you, talk about you, hold your hand, baptize you, read to you, etc. All of this culminated in a miraculous final 7 plus hours where you and your Mom held each other while you slowly passed away. It was one of the most amazing and emotional experiences of my life. Something I will never forget. I’m so grateful that we got to share those moments together. It really does help my remembering self to look back at our incredibly traumatic experience a little more favorably. It helps me to remember that while your time with us was so short, it doesn’t mean that you didn’t leave a forever positive lasting memory in our minds. I love telling this story to people because it is a powerful, positive, and happy ending to a story that was so sad and traumatic for all of us. When I think back on my experiencing self in the NICU and how that truly was, it was full of anxiety, scariness, questions, worry, fear, panic, boredom, tiredness, etc. That was the day-to-day true experience that we all lived through. However, I don’t remember those things at all. I remember being so excited you were born and thriving, getting to see you every day, talking to your nurses and meeting our new medical family, learning about neonatal care, watching you grow, and then getting to say a beautiful goodbye on our terms. Just the Beginning, the Peaks, and the ending.
I love you

Day 119: 7/11/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: My Wife Emailed Me our wedding photos, but I can’t seem to open any of the files. I always have trouble with emotional attachments.
Daily Scripture Theme: You were created for Adventure. My Thoughts - I am a giver. I’m opened for God to send me wherever he sees fit. I’m ready for our next adventure. Whether that be writing this book, having more children, starting a new business, etc. I’m fully ready, confident, and here to serve. I can’t wait to see what the future holds.
The Universe Message: "The more good you find in another, the more good you will find in yourself.” My Thoughts - This is so true. Lately, I’ve been finding on my daily runs through the neighborhood that I’m waving and truly acknowledging everyone I see and meet (not just that polite nod or something). I mean EVERYONE…it has been weird. I’m stopping to talk to my neighbors when I see them and introduce myself. Same thing with people I encounter in my day-to-day life like at the grocery store, meeting a new person for a tennis match, etc. It’s so not like me, but has been pretty rewarding for all involved, I think. Just seeing people for people, letting them talk and listening, and truly caring about others has made a remarkable difference in my feelings toward the world and myself. Sadly, the inverse can be totally true as well unfortunately. The worse you see in everyone, the more you feel miserable yourself. Your mind is really powerful…use it for good.
I can’t wait to get to writing on your first section of the book once this process is complete. By the end of this month, I want to have a first rough draft of the book completed. I’m so excited about this next chapter to come and getting your story out to the world.
Baby wrangler…please help your mother stay chill about having another child and give her patience through this process. She’s all in on having another sibling for you and that is exciting. The problem is I fear is that she is SOLELY focused on this right now and is not doing it 100% for the right reasons. She loved you so much that she is now putting a ton of pressure on herself to get pregnant as quickly as possible and it is stressing her out a lot. I don’t want her to want another child as a way to heal herself and fill a missing part of her. I want her to want another child to ADD to her life and re-found strength. This all needs to be natural and a PART of the healing process…NOT the whole healing process. Please watch over her, help us, and protect your siblings as we go through this process. I know you won’t let us down. We love you so much.
I’ve always been so amazed at the father’s I’ve seen in my life that appears to just do it all right. They are spiritual, successful in business, in shape, great family person, respectful of everyone they meet, amazing mentors to their children, patient and kind, etc. I’ve always seen them and thought I have no idea how they keep it all together and how in the hell am I going to do this once we have our own child. The truth is that I’ve always wanted children but was never really in a rush to have them because I was worried that I didn’t know myself good enough yet to be fully selfless and devote my life to them. Even after waiting until my mid-thirties to have you…I still didn’t really feel “READY” per se. I thought I’ll do what I always do and figure it out as it comes and adjust my life accordingly. That plan has always seemed to work out well for me in the past, but I knew that I wasn’t going to be one of “those dads” that I referred to in the beginning of this reflection. I was okay with that. Maybe someday I’d get there but it was a far off and distant dream of 10-15 years down the road at the earliest. And then I met you and we went through this whole process together. I’ve sped my life up by 10-15 years in the past 4 months it feels like. I feel like a whole new person. I feel like my personal self is in total harmony. I’ve learned a way to live my life that is sustainable and has a purpose for all aspects truly founded in principles and values I hope to bring to the world. I feel like I’m really ready to be “that Dad” for your future siblings. I owe that all to you. My beautiful first born baby girl. You’ve changed my life in more ways than I could ever put into words. While I wish I was able to show you in person, I know that you will be with me every step of the journey to come until we can see each other again someday. They say that your life truly changes when you become a parent. I can unequivocally say that I’m finally becoming that person I’ve always hoped to be, and I owe that all to you. I love you so much.
I love you.

Day 120: 7/12/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: I was going to tell you a chemistry joke…But I didn’t think I would get a reaction.
Daily Scripture Theme: The Stepping Stones to Your Success. My Thoughts - This passage was about failure and how you have to fail before you can succeed. For years I’ve always said the words that I like to FAIL FAST as a bit of a mantra. Meaning, try something new and if it is going to fail, figure it out and move on to the next idea as quickly as you can. Recently, I’ve been convinced that this mantra needs to really be LEARN fast and not FAIL fast. Every time we fail at something, we learn an extremely valuable lesson (good or bad). Those lessons are then applied to the next test, the one after that, etc. The ONLY way to truly get where we want to get is to learn as fast as we can until we hit that breakthrough we seek. If we look at everything as a learning event and combine that with the NEVER QUIT (Emilia Rule) then eventually you will do something amazing and it will compound on itself in the long run. So basically, start and try something new, keeping learning, and never quit…you will eventually figure out what God has put us on this Earth to do.
The Universe Message: "What if everything was not only working out just fine, but today, as things are, you’re actually way ahead of plan?”. My Thoughts - Lol. We are so short sided sometimes as people and forget to take in the whole big picture. The last few years doesn’t make up our entire life or set a precursor for what is to come. It is a funny trick our mind plays on us as a bit of a recency bias. If I stop to think about how far I’ve come in life, all the things I’ve accomplished, how happy I and in my marriage, and excited about what is to come. I start to realize I’ve lived a pretty amazing and blessed life. I’ve seen areas of the world I’ve never dreamed, achieved successes I my life that I wished for when I was younger, etc. I’m pretty blessed and I can’t wait to see what the future holds. Your mom, you, and I still have a LONG journey ahead of us with many wonderful events and things to see and do together. Sometimes, as Ferris Bueller (God I wish you could have seen this movie) would say…"Life moves pretty fast, If you don’t stop to look around once in a while you could miss it."
1 more day to go…just 1,000 bittersweet thoughts all through my head. On Mach 15th, tomorrow was etched in all of our minds as the ending to the amazing and awful experience where we got to bring you home. Even though our journey started off in a crazy place…it would have a happy ending. July 13th was like the top of Mount Everest off in the distance. It was the final tape of the marathon. We weren’t supposed to think about it ever. Remember that is the goal, but keep that far off in the distance as it would be too overwhelming and distracting for us all as we needed to focus on the harsh day 2 day truths in front of us. Well here we are, we have almost finished the race and I have no idea what to make of any of this anymore. Still have no idea what all this was about. I’m not sure if I will ever truly know. I was watching my stupid favorite trashy TV show that I love (Below Deck…which you would have loved as well I think), and one of the deck hands was talking about his 10 year anniversary of sobriety. He went into more detail about his story and said that he actually started that journey in rehab with his mother. Then he started crying as he talked about how he had to leave her behind to stay sober and she ultimate passed away from her addictions. He then said, I have to keep going for her…she gives me the power to move forward in my journey and to stay sober. He didn’t say it but I could hear it in his voice. His Mom’s death turned into his why and completely changed his life. 10 years later it still hurts enough to cry on television but that “power” as he put it was still burned into his brain and he will never forget it. Sadly, that is how I feel our journey is wrapping up as. Your mom and I are leaving this without you physically here with us but we are also forever changed because of you at the same time.
You grandma and aunt are in town to be here with your Mom as we come closer toward to your original due date. I keep hearing your mom and her family talk about you as if you are still here with us and musing about how you would have been in the future. It is all done with love, joy, and happiness. It truly brings a smile to my face to hear as your mom isn’t sad while talking about you. It feels good to hear your name and people talking about you just like any other child. I’m thankful for that and for your Mom’s brief reprieve from sadness.
I love you.

Day 121: 7/13/20

I love you
Dad Joke of the Day: Just read a book about the history of glue…I couldn’t put it down.
Daily Scripture Theme: You’re Not Stuck, You’re Going Through. My Thoughts - Going “THROUGH” something means that we are in the process of learning and growing. Going through something could be a good or bad event. It is ultimately up to you if you want to go through it by processing it, growing from it, and applying it to your life going forward. That is what going through means. Not every will find meaning in their journey’s unless they focus on it. Unfortunately for us, we have been going “through” a difficult event these past few months where a LOT of growth has happened for us all. I’ve been going through a ton with this process and I’m blessed to have been given this time by my employer to fully immerse myself in the process. I’ve never learned more, felt more, balanced more, tried harder, thought more, loved more, etc than I have these past few months. While I’m no where near through this journey and still have a long way to go, I feel like the deeper meaning is starting to take hold in all of us that will empower us all as we go through the rest of our lives. Would I trade these learning and new found growth for you…in a heartbeat. Sadly, this is all that I have left of you ins the growth, faith, strength, and knowledge gained during this time. I’ll treasure that for ever because if I don’t…it is like I’ll have lost you twice.
The Universe Message: "No one in your shoes could have done better than you’ve done, with where you began, what you had, and all you’ve been through. No One”. My Thoughts - This has been a long journey, a tiring journey, and a challenging journey. I’m truly grateful that God gave this burden to myself and Felicia and not someone else. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. As I write this, I had to stop and go help your mother as she was loudly sobbing across the house and needed comforting. This is hard and no one should have to go through this process. It is brutal, painful, lonely, etc. However, as I’ve learned, extreme’s do happen unfortunately and are a part of life. Because that is a fact that can’t change, someone has to go through this. If it had to be someone, I’m glad God choose this incredibly strong and resilient family. You were the strongest person I’ve ever met, closely followed by your mother, and then maybe a distant 3rd for myself. This strong family of lions will not be broken by this…I swear it. If someone has to go through crap like this, then let it be us.
We are finally here. …July 13th. A date that will forever be burned into my mind. It was supposed to be the best day of our lives when we find out you were coming last November. Sadly, it is whatever this is.
Yesterday, I’m not sure what happened, but I went out for a normal run 3-5 miles but just felt compelled to keep going. It was such a beautiful and a perfect day for a long run. Before I knew it, I was 6 miles in and getting closer and closer to Riley’s Hospital for Children (where you lived all your days) and decided it would be a nice moment to run by your old room. As I started to turn toward the main entrance and got closer and closer, my breathing started to get really heavy and fast. I started to run a little faster. Then I started to talk to you in my head. I realized I was doing this to show off for you a little. To show you how strong your Dad has become and to give you a peace of mind that this won’t break me and you don’t need to worry. It was pretty emotional for me as I looked up and could see that 4th floor window of your room that I spent so much time looking out. Your home for the 39 days you were with us. As I made a loop around the hospital, I thought to myself that I’m just going to finish out a half marathon today no matter what. So that is what I did, 13.1 miles later, I got back to our house and was exhausted. I’ve never run anywhere close to that far in my life before (9.5 miles was my previous longest run). I thought it was pretty representative of this whole process overall and how far I’d come. I’ve always been “in shape” but never anything like that. Plus…I’ve always been a sprinter as well. I loved playing sports all the time. I love competition and getting quick results. I’m impatient and get frustrated by a lack of quick feedback on performance so I can improve. If you knew me before this whole process, running a mini marathon was the last thing you would think I would have done and I wouldn’t even have contemplated it. I would laugh at your Mom when she would ask me if I wanted to do the next one with her. I wasn’t (and still not) a “marathon” runner. That is your mother and you. You 2 can endure the pain, the suffering, the boredom, etc of a meaningless run for distance. I was the dude on the sidelines drinking an Aperol spritz (literally) and cheering her on as she went out and did her thing. You have to have a particular mindset to be a marathon runner and that wasn’t me at all and will probably never be me even if I run a marathon someday. The longest I had ever run in my life before we had you was probably 4 miles if I had to guess. I enjoy a quick and fast 2 mile run and get on with my day. But there I was, finishing up 13.1 miles on a beautiful Sunday in July for no reason at all. It wasn’t even a real “race” or something. It was literally just me, you, and an audio book out running around Indianapolis. That run about sums up the changes in me through this process and how you have pushed me to another level to be the best person I can be. Did I do it for you? Did I do it for me? The truth is…I don’t know, but I JUST WISH YOU WERE HERE TO SEE IT AND BE A PART OF IT.
What was this journey all about? I can say with certainty that I have no idea.
Today, as we were visiting your gravesite, a woman around your mother’s age pulled up on the other side of the infant circle, presumably to visit her own child. Your Mom and I had driven separately, and I needed to head back home as your Grandparents (my parents) were coming over for dinner to join us all to talk about you. Your mom, her sister, and her mom all stayed behind for a few more minutes to say goodbye. As I left, your mother was still sobbing, and your grandma was consoling her on the ground next to your headstone. Later that night, your Mom shared with me a story about the other woman that I saw on the other side of the circle as I was leaving. Apparently, she saw your Mom crying and felt compelled to come over to introduce herself and sit with your Mom and her family. It turns out that she was there to visit her son that she lost a little over a year before you passed away. She just wanted to let your Mom know that she was there for her and could tell what she was going through. She shared that she actually just recently gave birth a few months ago to a healthy child that she called her (Rainbow Baby). Your Mom and her exchanged numbers and they have been texting back and forth already. 2 things come to mind in this story. 1 - no one really has any idea what we are going through unless they have experienced this kind of loss themselves. When you get a chance to encounter someone in this tragic club…it is your duty to try and help them out, acknowledge their pain, and offer to be there to listen if they need it. I’m grateful that this nice woman stepped up and selflessly gave her time to try and help your mother. I could tell it really helped her and she was truly touched when she was telling me the story later when she got home. I just finished reading a book called Give and Take by Adam Grant today as well. It was all about the importance of being a giver and the positive impacts it can have on your life and the lives of others you encounter. At one part in the book, he talks about uncommon connections and how they can bring people closer to each other. The losing a child club is about as uncommon of a connection as you can ever find. For that reason, I vow to always give selflessly to this community for the rest of my life. That’s what you would want, that is what you deserve, and that is why I’m writing this book. I want to help as many people as I can that are going through the pain and loss we are fighting through today. If our words and experiences can help one person or couple…it will all be worth it. 2 - there is light at the end of the tunnel. This is the first time I’ve heard the words “Rainbow Child” but I get the concept. The fact that this lady and her husband were able to battle through this dark chapter in their life and can still experience joy and happiness of a healthy child gives me hope that we can do this as well. We are so excited and ready to welcome another amazing brother or sister to join you and this family. We can use all the help we can get from the “baby wrangler” we’ve heard so much about from Margo. After all, the NEVER QUIT rule is named the "Emilia Rule” for a reason. You wouldn’t give up…and we certainly won’t either.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH